Re: Group Letter

[Guest guest]

Lynn,

Personally, I think you need to do what is right for

you. Sounds like your mom really doesn't know who you

are anymore, so really what damage do you think you

will inflict on her if you go? You can always send

cards, which the staff can read for her or come back

and visit when the opportunity arises. It's not like

you are dumping her into a home just to get out of

town. She is already being taken care of very well by

the staff at her B & C home. If you weigh out waiting

and watching her slow decline against missing the

rapid development of your grandkids, I don't see the

problem. Those kids will be grown before you know it,

and you can't get those years back. Don't let guilt

make the decision for you. You've done what you could.

Make whatever arrangements need to be made and GO.

lisa

Engles

SEIU-UHW Shop Steward

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[Guest guest]

Lynn - it sounds like you're at the end of your rope. Instead of

having your mom go to your brother in CA, which sounds like he may

not be of any help anyway, why not have your mom stay put where she

is. She's already familiar with the place and with the caregivers. It

would make matters worse for her to move at this point (IMO).

You have to do what's right for you & your family in your

situation.

Here's something that you should read:

I Promised Her I'd Never Put Her in a Nursing Home

(Source: SaWorship) - When a parent asks never to be placed in a

nursing home, children will often make that promise never realizing

the enormity of what they may be promising. When " The Promise " is

made, the children are younger and stronger, their parents are

healthy and of sound mind. In this article, Starr Calo-oy very

sensitively and very eloquently goes thru the processes of promising,

guilt and the reality of loving care.

http://www.saworship.com/article-page.php?ID=2984 & Page=women.php

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I need to tell you what I did the other day because I CAN!!

> Dave(husband) and I have been talking about not waiting for my

mom to expire to move to New Hampshire. I've been thinking of moving

her to northern Calif. and have my brother have to deal with life

with LBD for a while. He knows nothing of this for I only talk to him

when I have to. I thought it would be best if I got all my ducks in a

row first. To move her to New Hampshire, would be hard and the

expense would be over 8,000 a month. So, this is what I did:

> I went to see her the other day and she was in her wheelchair.

They just finished feeding her lunch and I took her to her private

room and closed the door. I was so frustrated, angry at her for

making me promise that I would stay till the end. I started talking

about us moving when we became grandparents. I was crying and

expressed my anger to her. I told her I was mad at her for making me

stay here. I showed her pictures of our kids and grandkids and said

it was her fault that we aren't with them. I told her she can stay

where she is, go stay somewhere in the bay area and her son can

manage her. He has only been in her life when he needs money or a car

form her. She did the best she could to raise us but she was not

there for me when I needed a parent to protect me. So, she wasn't

there for me but now I have to be here for her! At the cost of my

life. We are missing out on the best years watching our children and

grandchildren. I know it's there lives but when it comes

> to parties,birthdays,sickness,etc. we are ALONE here. I couldn't

tell if she understood much of what I was saying. Once in a while

she would frown,or look around the room. When I asked her if she

wanted to go up to my brothers, she gave me a little baby size nod.

Then, when I asked her something else to nod to, she was in lewyland.

> All this to say, today she wasn't eating any food. She has

stopped eating before, then started to eat again. MY QUESTION I

guess is does this sound familiar? Am I a terrible daughter for doing

that to my poor mom who is not with it.

> Mom is on VITAS. 84yrs. and was told 3 years ago, she wouldn't

last 6 month and here we are.

> I am seing someone and on meds but it's still my mom and I have

responsibilities. HELP

> I have seen her a couple times since, and she seems to be

unaffective by what I said to her. I still tell her I LOVE HER. Do

you think that's why she isn't eating. Maybe in her way, she

understood my anger and sadness.

> Thanks for listening,

> Lynn S.