Re: Should I tell my husband that I believe he has Aspergers?

[Guest guest]

Hi Leigh Ann: I hate to come out and say that your therapist is " wrong " , but I think your husband should be told.  My opinion, in the long and short of it, is that an NT + AS relationship works best for BOTH parties when BOTH parties are working on overcoming obstacles TOGETHER.  While certainly some good CAN come from you working on yourself, a successful relationship requires patience and understanding on both parties' parts.  That's been my personal experience as well.  The AS diagnosis was a huge moment in my relationship- we were able to step back and say " AHA! " .  I feel like it took a lot of the " pressure " off of our shoulders and allowed us to look at our issues in a completely different light.

 Just my 2cp :)Terri

 

A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because I was depressed and very unhappy with my marriage. My husband went to a therapy session a couple of times, after which the therapist told me she believed he has Aspergers. I began reading about the condition and it was a huge revelation to me. It was my husband. Knowing this has helped me so much to understand him. My therapist believes that my husband should not be told that I believe he has Aspergers, that I should just be very patient and understanding of him. She believes that I should just work on myself, which I have been doing for the past 2 years. He is 63 years old and we have been married 32 years and have two children. The therapist says he would be blown away by a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am 7 years younger than he is and we both are healthy. Even though I no longer am depressed and we are getting along better, I feel like we could have a better marriage if we were both working on understanding each other. I long to have a closer connection with my husband and I don't feel like he understands where I am coming from at all. I have read two books by Maxine Aston, and she recommends that both partners know the diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding this information from him. I would like to hear what others think about me gently letting him know what I believe.

[Guest guest]

Hi, I've never posted here. We had a

similar thing happen to us in that a therapist asked me into

looking to see if my husband could possibly have aspergers. He

does indeed have many of the characteristic traits. I started

reading many books so I could learn how to better communicate, and

one night he asked me what I was reading. My husband has not yet

accepted the idea yet and it is just not a subject we can even

talk about without him having hurt feelings. This all started in

February and we can just now have relatively civil conversations

with each other. I have no other motive to "fix" him, "cure" him

or make a remediation plan, I just want to communicate well as a

family. It's been very intense and painful at our home. So, all

that to say, please consider your talk with your husband very

carefully.

Just my opinion.

Thanks,

Ruth

A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because

I was depressed and very unhappy with my marriage. My

husband went to a therapy session a couple of times, after

which the therapist told me she believed he has Aspergers.

I began reading about the condition and it was a huge

revelation to me. It was my husband. Knowing this has

helped me so much to understand him. My therapist believes

that my husband should not be told that I believe he has

Aspergers, that I should just be very patient and

understanding of him. She believes that I should just work

on myself, which I have been doing for the past 2 years.

He is 63 years old and we have been married 32 years and

have two children. The therapist says he would be blown

away by a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am 7 years

younger than he is and we both are healthy. Even though I

no longer am depressed and we are getting along better, I

feel like we could have a better marriage if we were both

working on understanding each other. I long to have a

closer connection with my husband and I don't feel like he

understands where I am coming from at all. I have read two

books by Maxine Aston, and she recommends that both

partners know the diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding this

information from him. I would like to hear what others

think about me gently letting him know what I believe.

No virus

found in this message.

Checked by AVG - www.avg.com

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08/03/12

[Guest guest]

Leigh Ann,I think not only would you be doing your husband a disservice by keeping him out of the loop, but yourself, as well. I am in a very similar situation, 56 NT, and he's 62 AS, and new to this group. We've spent thousands of dollars on therapists over a 20 year period, only to have a diagnosis just months ago. I have strongly suspected for 10 years this was the root of our challenge as a couple, but now that it's been confirmed, we both feel a huge sense of relief. Now we know just what we're working with, and beginning to educate ourselves about how best to move forward. It feels like a new beginning. I do believe your husband, and you as a couple, can only benefit in sharing that knowledge and a commitment to work together.Best,Michele

A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because I was depressed and very unhappy with my marriage. My husband went to a therapy session a couple of times, after which the therapist told me she believed he has Aspergers. I began reading about the condition and it was a huge revelation to me. It was my husband. Knowing this has helped me so much to understand him. My therapist believes that my husband should not be told that I believe he has Aspergers, that I should just be very patient and understanding of him. She believes that I should just work on myself, which I have been doing for the past 2 years. He is 63 years old and we have been married 32 years and have two children. The therapist says he would be blown away by a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am 7 years younger than he is and we both are healthy. Even though I no longer am depressed and we are getting along better, I feel like we could have a better marriage if we were both working on

understanding each other. I long to have a closer connection with my husband and I don't feel like he understands where I am coming from at all. I have read two books by Maxine Aston, and she recommends that both partners know the diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding this information from him. I would like to hear what others think about me gently letting him know what I believe.

[Guest guest]

I think whether your husband is told depends on him.

Some people welcome the diagnosis: Ah! So that's why I always felt different!

Others ignore it: OK, I'm Aspie, but I'm the same as I always was and always

will be, so it doesn't make a difference.

Still others get very sad: Oh, I guess I'm damaged. I'll never be any good with

this hanging over me

or angry: What do you mean, Aspie? I've done well in my life. Aspies are all

<fill in negative insult here>, how dare you compare me to them!

I'll assume your therapist is competent and thinks your husband would react

badly to the diagnosis. You can ask her why she recommends not telling him, and

see if her reason makes sense.

In the mean time, keep reading. Your behavior to him will change a bit, and his

reaction will change too.

--Liz

>

>

> Hi Leigh Ann:

>

> I hate to come out and say that your therapist is " wrong " , but I think your

husband should be told. My opinion, in the long and short of it, is that an NT

+ AS relationship works best for BOTH parties when BOTH parties are working on

overcoming obstacles TOGETHER. While certainly some good CAN come from you

working on yourself, a successful relationship requires patience and

understanding on both parties' parts. That's been my personal experience as

well. The AS diagnosis was a huge moment in my relationship- we were able to

step back and say " AHA! " . I feel like it took a lot of the " pressure " off of

our shoulders and allowed us to look at our issues in a completely different

light.

>

> Just my 2cp

>

> Terri

>

>

>

> A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because I was depressed and

very unhappy with my marriage. My husband went to a therapy session a couple of

times, after which the therapist told me she believed he has Aspergers. I began

reading about the condition and it was a huge revelation to me. It was my

husband. Knowing this has helped me so much to understand him. My therapist

believes that my husband should not be told that I believe he has Aspergers,

that I should just be very patient and understanding of him. She believes that I

should just work on myself, which I have been doing for the past 2 years. He is

63 years old and we have been married 32 years and have two children. The

therapist says he would be blown away by a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am

7 years younger than he is and we both are healthy. Even though I no longer am

depressed and we are getting along better, I feel like we could have a better

marriage if we were both working on understanding each other. I long to have a

closer connection with my husband and I don't feel like he understands where I

am coming from at all. I have read two books by Maxine Aston, and she recommends

that both partners know the diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding this information

from him. I would like to hear what others think about me gently letting him

know what I believe.

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Leigh Ann,

It is up to every individual whether they wish to be dx'd. I don't think anyone

here who doesn't know your husband can make this call. Since your therapist,

who has met him, advises against it, and since there has been no official

diagnosis requested or given, it seems that your therapist is wise -- don't tell

him, and work on yourself. You are not being deceitful not telling someone your

belief about something that you may not even be right about. And even if you

are, if he isn't going to be interested in learning about Aspergers then it

could do more harm than good to have your opinion known. It may just come off

sounding like you are " blaming " him for things not being any different or better

between you and that you have now set up " two camps " . You can instead work on

behaviors: " when you do x, it makes me feel y... " and go from there. Really

there isn't any need to have a dx or your beliefs discussed to make your

relationship better.

I was (and remain) convinced that my former spouse has AS as well as OCD; I said

nothing until he himself brought up that he thought he might be OCD, at which

point I used his apparent self-reflection as an intro to telling him I thought

it might be or also be AS. But ultimately he had little interest in learning

about AS and zero interest in a diagnosis, anyway.

Should I tell my husband that I believe he has

Aspergers?

 

A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because I was depressed and

very unhappy with my marriage. My husband went to a therapy session a couple of

times, after which the therapist told me she believed he has Aspergers. I began

reading about the condition and it was a huge revelation to me. It was my

husband. Knowing this has helped me so much to understand him. My therapist

believes that my husband should not be told that I believe he has Aspergers,

that I should just be very patient and understanding of him. She believes that I

should just work on myself, which I have been doing for the past 2 years. He is

63 years old and we have been married 32 years and have two children. The

therapist says he would be blown away by a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am

7 years younger than he is and we both are healthy. Even though I no longer am

depressed and we are getting along better, I feel like we could have a better

marriage if we were both working on understanding each other. I long to have a

closer connection with my husband and I don't feel like he understands where I

am coming from at all. I have read two books by Maxine Aston, and she recommends

that both partners know the diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding this information

from him. I would like to hear what others think about me gently letting him

know what I believe.

[Guest guest]

Hello Leigh Ann,

If you are feeling deceitful and believe that your marriage would benefit from

having this information out in the open, I think you should probably follow your

gut feeling and slowly start steering towards the direction of letting him know.

I think you should probably share this with your therapist. If she isn't closed

minded and totalitarian, she will recognize your need and possibly help you in

your endeavour to bring this to your husband's attention.

If she remains adamant that he should not be informed, remember that no two

Aspies are alike. Perhaps she understands something about your husband that

makes her believe he would react negatively - I hear this is sometimes the case,

sometimes a diagnosis makes things worse instead of better, this depends on the

individual. But in this case I would recommend getting a second opinion, finding

another therapist and maybe introducing your husband to this new person and

seeing what they think about it.

Personally, I also believe a relationship's success cannot rest solely on one

person's work and commitment. One way or another, I think your husband should

probably be told, or at least told enough that he will start working on his side

of things.

If you decide to go ahead and let him know, my only piece of advice is: DO IT

SLOWLY. Aspies in general tend to process information very slowly, and if my

boyfriend is any representative at all, they distrust pre-formed opinions. You

may feel like everything you've read ressembles your husband so much that you

are sure he is an Aspie, but he hasn't seen the evidence yet and he may need to

come to this conclusion himself or hear a professional say it.

My own boyfriend isn't very self-aware and even though the description of your

average Aspie describes him to a T, he often says that descriptions of

personality disorders or psychological conditions are like horoscopes, and that

one can read a description of themselves in pretty much anything if they really

want to. (Nevermind the fact that nobody could ever recognize him in the

description of, say, Borderline Personality Disorder, but whatever.)

My point is, it's sometimes difficult to get Aspies to " buy " into the diagnosis.

They are sometimes skeptical and this is normal - wouldn't you be if your spouse

popped up and said " I believe you have this psychological condition and should

get with the program " ?

So in short, my advice would be: Don't spring this onto him, and don't tell him

you believe he is an Aspie. Lead the horse to water. Over time, find a reason to

discuss Autism and Asperger's, I don't know, talk about a friend's friend who

has an Aspie or Autistic child, watch a documentary with him, something. Let him

make the connexion with himself first, don't try to explicitly convince him at

first. He may need a while to process this information, especially since it may

be linked to a lifetime of anxiety and incomprehension, some heavy emotional

stuff, etc.

I hope this helps!

M.

>

> A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because I was depressed and

very unhappy with my marriage. My husband went to a therapy session a couple of

times, after which the therapist told me she believed he has Aspergers. I began

reading about the condition and it was a huge revelation to me. It was my

husband. Knowing this has helped me so much to understand him. My therapist

believes that my husband should not be told that I believe he has Aspergers,

that I should just be very patient and understanding of him. She believes that

I should just work on myself, which I have been doing for the past 2 years. He

is 63 years old and we have been married 32 years and have two children. The

therapist says he would be blown away by a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am

7 years younger than he is and we both are healthy. Even though I no longer am

depressed and we are getting along better, I feel like we could have a better

marriage if we were both working on understanding each other. I long to have a

closer connection with my husband and I don't feel like he understands where I

am coming from at all. I have read two books by Maxine Aston, and she recommends

that both partners know the diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding this information

from him. I would like to hear what others think about me gently letting him

know what I believe.

>

[Guest guest]

leigh_ann55 wrote:

> A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because I was

> depressed and very unhappy with my marriage.

That was *me* - a few *decades* ago - but for sure *I* am the AS half of

our marriage.

> My husband went to a

> therapy session a couple of times, after which the therapist told me

> she believed he has Aspergers. I began reading about the condition

> and it was a huge revelation to me. It was my husband. Knowing this

> has helped me so much to understand him.

That was my wife, almost exactly ten years ago. She kept her mouth shut.

All things considered, she needn't have.

> My therapist believes that

> my husband should not be told that I believe he has Aspergers, that I

> should just be very patient and understanding of him. She believes

> that I should just work on myself, which I have been doing for the

> past 2 years. He is 63 years old and we have been married 32 years

> and have two children.

You could at least hold your counsel for awhile. Nothing hurt by

waiting for a better time?

There's a lot to be said for and against both sides of the issue.

I believe you must decide on the basis of the TRUST each of you has

placed in the other. How much? How firmly held?

Only you can determine what's right for you --- it's not a rule-based

decision. Shouldn't be.

> The therapist says he would be blown away by

> a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am 7 years younger than he is

> and we both are healthy. Even though I no longer am depressed and we

> are getting along better, I feel like we could have a better marriage

> if we were both working on understanding each other. I long to have a

> closer connection with my husband and I don't feel like he

> understands where I am coming from at all. I have read two books by

> Maxine Aston, and she recommends that both partners know the

> diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding this information from him. I

> would like to hear what others think about me gently letting him know

> what I believe.

I'm 80, she's 70 - married 45 years. I've three adult children from an

earlier 10-year marriage; she has none.

On *my* initiative, I learned *for sure* that I was Aspergian six years

ago. ...Though I'd suspected something along those lines for decades:

" ...since I was three " .

I shared that with my wife, of course. Then we compared notes.

What had been an increasingly rocky marriage in downward

death-spiral turned right around. Fast; under one year. Now we have

(again) as good (and happy) a marriage as anyone's -- *better* than many

we know well. It's been six years, and keeps getting better.

There's a lot more I could add. Too much. Feel free to ask questions

off-list if you want.

-Bill ...AS, retired geneticist

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

Hi there. I'm not a therapist, and I'm not your husband. But I am an aspie who was diagnosed as an adult. I can tell you what I would think. If I'd suffered through 60+ years of being an aspie in a mostly NT world, and at some point found out that someone had been keeping that knowledge from me, I would feel betrayed beyond  repair. Getting my diagnosis at 33 did completely blow me away. I was honestly useless for a month. But it was completely worth it. I was suddenly handed the answer to all the questions that had been plaguing me my entire life. Knowing I'm not insane, and not the cruel person I'd been accused of being, was such a relief. If my partner had given me that knowledge instead of my finding it on my own, it would have been the best gift she had ever given me. And concealing it could have been the biggest betrayal. 

So I suggest telling him. Choose a good time if you can, when he can have a month or three to absorb this. It will be huge. But hiding it isn't fair to him. That's what I would want in his place. 

Cheers, 

 

A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because I was depressed and very unhappy with my marriage. My husband went to a therapy session a couple of times, after which the therapist told me she believed he has Aspergers. I began reading about the condition and it was a huge revelation to me. It was my husband. Knowing this has helped me so much to understand him. My therapist believes that my husband should not be told that I believe he has Aspergers, that I should just be very patient and understanding of him. She believes that I should just work on myself, which I have been doing for the past 2 years. He is 63 years old and we have been married 32 years and have two children. The therapist says he would be blown away by a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am 7 years younger than he is and we both are healthy. Even though I no longer am depressed and we are getting along better, I feel like we could have a better marriage if we were both working on understanding each other. I long to have a closer connection with my husband and I don't feel like he understands where I am coming from at all. I have read two books by Maxine Aston, and she recommends that both partners know the diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding this information from him. I would like to hear what others think about me gently letting him know what I believe.

[Guest guest]

I'd like to add a little something to the conversation. Many of the messages

here, in fact most of them, base their answer on what the potentially AS

husband's needs are. Whether he should be told, needs to be told, wants to be

told...

Nobody has considered how Leigh Ann is feeling in their answer.

I'd just like to say: if this secret is poisoning her, if knowing this and

having to hide it from the person she shares her everyday life with is hurting

her, this should count for something.

Of course the husband should be considered but he is not the only one this

affects.

Leigh Ann, of course use your head, but listen to your heart as well. You have

to take care of yourself in this, too. Your feelings are valid, and important to

consider. You deserve to be happy

M. xx

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because I was depressed

> > and very unhappy with my marriage. My husband went to a therapy session a

> > couple of times, after which the therapist told me she believed he has

> > Aspergers. I began reading about the condition and it was a huge revelation

> > to me. It was my husband. Knowing this has helped me so much to understand

> > him. My therapist believes that my husband should not be told that I

> > believe he has Aspergers, that I should just be very patient and

> > understanding of him. She believes that I should just work on myself, which

> > I have been doing for the past 2 years. He is 63 years old and we have been

> > married 32 years and have two children. The therapist says he would be

> > blown away by a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am 7 years younger than

> > he is and we both are healthy. Even though I no longer am depressed and we

> > are getting along better, I feel like we could have a better marriage if we

> > were both working on understanding each other. I long to have a closer

> > connection with my husband and I don't feel like he understands where I am

> > coming from at all. I have read two books by Maxine Aston, and she

> > recommends that both partners know the diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding

> > this information from him. I would like to hear what others think about me

> > gently letting him know what I believe.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This is my first posting on this list.

I always felt that I was " different " from others and when my daughter-in-law

told me that my symptoms sounded like Aspergers(our grandson has many problems

and during her many visits to professionals, she was able to suggest an AS

diagnosis) I went to a psychiatrist last year and he concurred that I am AS.

I'm older by 16 years than your husband and can tell you I was relieved to know

the underlying reasons for some of my actions.

I think that you should talk to him and suggest that perhaps there is an medical

explanation that can explain why he does certain things.

I have found that there is very little information and limited professional

resources for us " older " AS's.

Anyway, this is my personal opinion and I wish the best.

>

> A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because I was depressed and

very unhappy with my marriage. My husband went to a therapy session a couple of

times, after which the therapist told me she believed he has Aspergers. I began

reading about the condition and it was a huge revelation to me. It was my

husband. Knowing this has helped me so much to understand him. My therapist

believes that my husband should not be told that I believe he has Aspergers,

that I should just be very patient and understanding of him. She believes that

I should just work on myself, which I have been doing for the past 2 years. He

is 63 years old and we have been married 32 years and have two children. The

therapist says he would be blown away by a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am

7 years younger than he is and we both are healthy. Even though I no longer am

depressed and we are getting along better, I feel like we could have a better

marriage if we were both working on understanding each other. I long to have a

closer connection with my husband and I don't feel like he understands where I

am coming from at all. I have read two books by Maxine Aston, and she recommends

that both partners know the diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding this information

from him. I would like to hear what others think about me gently letting him

know what I believe.

>

[Guest guest]

I am both a therapist and a special education teacher. I have a son with

Aspergers that has never been officially diagnosed because by the time that

diagnosis was suggested he was so tired of being taken to professionals to see

how to help him that he was closed to anything. He was 16 at the time, and I was

just coming back into the field of special education after 25 years out of

teaching. We felt like all the professionals made him feel broken, but we did

talk to him about the possibility of him having AS and he was rather closed to

the idea, so we decided not to pursue it further at that time. He is now 22 and

has had a lot of difficulty in his relationships. At some point I will probably

talk to him about it, but it has to be the right time and it will need to be

approached very gingerly so he does not feel like I am telling him he is broken.

As a special education teacher of 18-21 year olds I talk to all of my students

about the importance of knowing about their disability/themselves so that they

can advocate for themselves and so they can receive other services if

appropriate. So that is my special education hat speaking.

As an ex-therapist who was in the field for 20 years I am opposed to any

therapist " telling " a client what they should or should not do. A therapist

should help a client explore their own options and be prepared for all of the

possibilities. So perhaps she can help you prepare for all the ways a person

can react to such news. What if he does feel that you are being critical and

blaming; what would he do in that situation, and how will you deal with that ?

How might he react while he is processing this information? How does he deal

with new information about himself? Also, explore why you want to tell him of

your suspicion and make sure your desire to tell him is for good intentions and

that there is not another underlying issue. If so, then look at how he best

receives information. Does he need to read information or are short discussions

better? When my son was still living at home and we wanted him to be open to

something we would sometimes bring a subject up and later find a magazine

article that we would leave open on the bathroom floor. He would invariably read

the article. Sometimes we would tell him a story about an article we read or

heard about on NPR so it was not so close to him.

Your therapist has met your husband but you have lived with him for many years.

You know him best. Do YOU think he would like to have this information or would

he be offended and hurt.? Is he likely to be offended and defensive but able to

let go of those feelings later? Or will he hold a grudge forever? Has he

talked about feeling bad about the difficulties he has had with people, or that

he did not have friends as a child? This decision is not black and white, as all

people with AS are not alike. Explore your decision based on what you know about

your husband, and do not base it on him being too old and " him being blown

away. " If your therapist can't help you find your own answer you might want to

find someone who can. It can be very difficult to go against a therapist's

recommendation, but whatever you do, it needs to be YOUR decision, not what your

therapist thinks.

Good luck.

Judi

[Guest guest]

hi, i read the dialogues but don't feel i have much to offer usually.

however i am 65 yrs. old & received a dx of PDD-NOS & ADHD at 63. the neuro psychologist said she thought of adding Anxiety Disorder(duh).

speaking for myself as far as the dx goes.............oh what a relief it is.

i was a Psychiatric Technician for 38 years in state hospitals & i have to say my brain does not get/understand much of what goes on in therapy to this day.

i read as much as possible about the spectrum. i feel i am ttrying to catch up & that is o.k. as i have spent much of life trying to catch up or on :-) jerry bourne