Guest guest Posted August 2, 2012 Report Share Posted August 2, 2012 .So pleased that you are having some practical outcomes from your pursuit for diagnosis. Along with everyone on this List, I’m sure, I can wish you all the very best. You have some difficult jobs ahead to do the necessary repair work. Just one thing that interested me in your report,... you say that the ‘happiest part of my life would be coming to an end.’ Now does that mean that you were not in any sort of dire distress up till now, and were somewhat oblivious of the pains of your partner? Was it perhaps something of what they used to term a ‘fool’s paradise?’ was your partner’s non-communication giving you the impression that all was fine? Again, all the very best. Keep in mind that there are certainly some among us here who did manage to turn their lives around and have relationship success. You can be the next one. Cheers, Ron. From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of Sent: Thursday, 2 August 2012 5:11 PMTo: Aspires ListserveSubject: I think my diagnosis just saved my relationship Yesterday my psychiatrist confirmed my therapist's diagnosis of Asperger's. She also added a diagnosis of ADHD. Again, this makes sense in hindsight, but totally blew my mind at the time. I thought surely I'd had my allotment of paradigm shifting revelations. But I was wrong. Tonight my partner told me that for the past few months, she'd been considering what she needed to do to live the best life she could, and that it could involve leaving me. She has a long list of things that were broken in our relationship, as she saw it. Turns out every item so far was, or was caused by, being autistic or ADHD. My diagnosis came down right in the middle of this. This ramped the stress up even more for her and made things worse. I knew she was having difficulty with my diagnosis, but I didn't understand her bad reaction and distant behavior because she had been keeping all this to herself. So I gave her space while I read up on autism, trying to understand how I work. Tonight she told me things that had to change for the relationship to continue. If I hadn't gotten my diagnosis just over a month ago, if I hadn't read so many books on how to deal with it and learn and cope, this would have been the death knell of our relationship of 9 years. Instead, I was able to deal with the situation. I was able to ask for the breaks I needed so I didn't get overly stressed and go mute. I took notes so my memory issues wouldn't mess everything up. Using everything I read, I was able to slowly, painfully, translate her needs and concerns into aspie-friendly language I understood, and clear steps I can take to meet them. All of her points were valid. Some of them, I had already started working on. If I hadn't gotten this diagnosis, if I hadn't had a month of reading and therapy and insight, the happiest part of my life would be coming to an end. Instead, we're fixing it together. I cannot express how thankful I am to Fate, the Universe, or whatever powers that be. And to think the diagnosis started with what I thought was a goofy online quiz. I know it's going to be hard work, but I think we can do it. Now I'm just tired and emotionally wrung out. I just had to share this with someone before passing out. Thanks, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2012 Report Share Posted August 2, 2012 Thanks Ron, You pretty much nailed it. I assumed my partner would tell me if there were a problem, so I was fairly ignorant of these issues. I could tell she was depressed sometimes, but when I asked she always said she was just down. I have a mood disorder myself, so just being down seemed legit. There was definitely a communication problem in both directions. We did have couples counseling a few years back, but I was undiagnosed at the time and our therapist didn't spot it. She wound up focusing on my partner as the cause of our problems, which is probably where some of her communication issues stemmed from. If the problems were in her head, she didn't want to talk to me about them and bring me down, or something. Thanks, .So pleased that you are having some practical outcomes from your pursuit for diagnosis. Along with everyone on this List, I’m sure, I can wish you all the very best. You have some difficult jobs ahead to do the necessary repair work. Just one thing that interested me in your report,... you say that the ‘happiest part of my life would be coming to an end.’ Now does that mean that you were not in any sort of dire distress up till now, and were somewhat oblivious of the pains of your partner? Was it perhaps something of what they used to term a ‘fool’s paradise?’ was your partner’s non-communication giving you the impression that all was fine? Again, all the very best. Keep in mind that there are certainly some among us here who did manage to turn their lives around and have relationship success. You can be the next one. Cheers, Ron. From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of Sent: Thursday, 2 August 2012 5:11 PMTo: Aspires ListserveSubject: I think my diagnosis just saved my relationship Yesterday my psychiatrist confirmed my therapist's diagnosis of Asperger's. She also added a diagnosis of ADHD. Again, this makes sense in hindsight, but totally blew my mind at the time. I thought surely I'd had my allotment of paradigm shifting revelations. But I was wrong. Tonight my partner told me that for the past few months, she'd been considering what she needed to do to live the best life she could, and that it could involve leaving me. She has a long list of things that were broken in our relationship, as she saw it. Turns out every item so far was, or was caused by, being autistic or ADHD. My diagnosis came down right in the middle of this. This ramped the stress up even more for her and made things worse. I knew she was having difficulty with my diagnosis, but I didn't understand her bad reaction and distant behavior because she had been keeping all this to herself. So I gave her space while I read up on autism, trying to understand how I work. Tonight she told me things that had to change for the relationship to continue. If I hadn't gotten my diagnosis just over a month ago, if I hadn't read so many books on how to deal with it and learn and cope, this would have been the death knell of our relationship of 9 years. Instead, I was able to deal with the situation. I was able to ask for the breaks I needed so I didn't get overly stressed and go mute. I took notes so my memory issues wouldn't mess everything up. Using everything I read, I was able to slowly, painfully, translate her needs and concerns into aspie-friendly language I understood, and clear steps I can take to meet them. All of her points were valid. Some of them, I had already started working on. If I hadn't gotten this diagnosis, if I hadn't had a month of reading and therapy and insight, the happiest part of my life would be coming to an end. Instead, we're fixing it together. I cannot express how thankful I am to Fate, the Universe, or whatever powers that be. And to think the diagnosis started with what I thought was a goofy online quiz. I know it's going to be hard work, but I think we can do it. Now I'm just tired and emotionally wrung out. I just had to share this with someone before passing out. Thanks, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2012 Report Share Posted August 24, 2012 Hi Becky..welcome back to Aspires.. glad you and Jon are able to communicate better. I remember when you would post on here how difficult it was to communicate with him. > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > .**** > > > > > > So pleased that you are having some practical outcomes from your pursuit > > > for diagnosis. Along with everyone on this List, I'm sure, I can wish > > > you all the very best. You have some difficult jobs ahead to do the > > > necessary repair work.**** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > Just one thing that interested me in your report,... you say that the > > > `happiest part of my life would be coming to an end.' Now does that mean > > > that you were not in any sort of dire distress up till now, and were > > > somewhat oblivious of the pains of your partner? Was it perhaps > > > something of what they used to term a `fool's paradise?' was your > > > partner's non-communication giving you the impression that all was fine?** > > > ** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > Again, all the very best. Keep in mind that there are certainly some > > > among us here who did manage to turn their lives around and have > > > relationship success. You can be the next one.**** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > Cheers, **** > > > > > > Ron.**** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > *From:* aspires-relationships [mailto: > > > aspires-relationships ] *On Behalf Of * > > > *Sent:* Thursday, 2 August 2012 5:11 PM > > > *To:* Aspires Listserve > > > *Subject:* I think my diagnosis just saved my > > > relationship**** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > **** > > > > > > Yesterday my psychiatrist confirmed my therapist's diagnosis of > > > Asperger's. She also added a diagnosis of ADHD. Again, this makes sense in > > > hindsight, but totally blew my mind at the time. I thought surely I'd had > > > my allotment of paradigm shifting revelations. But I was wrong. **** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > Tonight my partner told me that for the past few months, she'd been > > > considering what she needed to do to live the best life she could, and that > > > it could involve leaving me. She has a long list of things that were broken > > > in our relationship, as she saw it. Turns out every item so far was, or was > > > caused by, being autistic or ADHD. **** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > My diagnosis came down right in the middle of this. This ramped the stress > > > up even more for her and made things worse. I knew she was having > > > difficulty with my diagnosis, but I didn't understand her bad reaction and > > > distant behavior because she had been keeping all this to herself. **** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > So I gave her space while I read up on autism, trying to understand how I > > > work. **** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > Tonight she told me things that had to change for the relationship to > > > continue. If I hadn't gotten my diagnosis just over a month ago, if I > > > hadn't read so many books on how to deal with it and learn and cope, this > > > would have been the death knell of our relationship of 9 years. **** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > Instead, I was able to deal with the situation. I was able to ask for the > > > breaks I needed so I didn't get overly stressed and go mute. I took notes > > > so my memory issues wouldn't mess everything up. Using everything I read, I > > > was able to slowly, painfully, translate her needs and concerns into > > > aspie-friendly language I understood, and clear steps I can take to meet > > > them. All of her points were valid. Some of them, I had already started > > > working on. **** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > If I hadn't gotten this diagnosis, if I hadn't had a month of reading and > > > therapy and insight, the happiest part of my life would be coming to an > > > end. Instead, we're fixing it together. I cannot express how thankful I am > > > to Fate, the Universe, or whatever powers that be. And to think the > > > diagnosis started with what I thought was a goofy online quiz. **** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > I know it's going to be hard work, but I think we can do it. **** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > Now I'm just tired and emotionally wrung out. I just had to share this > > > with someone before passing out. **** > > > > > > ** ** > > > > > > Thanks, **** > > > > > > **** > > > > > > **** > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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