I think my diagnosis just saved my relationship

[Guest guest]

Yesterday my psychiatrist confirmed my therapist's diagnosis of Asperger's. She also added a diagnosis of ADHD. Again, this makes sense in hindsight, but totally blew my mind at the time. I thought surely I'd had my allotment of paradigm shifting revelations. But I was wrong. 

Tonight my partner told me that for the past few months, she'd been considering what she needed to do to live the best life she could, and that it could involve leaving me. She has a long list of things that were broken in our relationship, as she saw it. Turns out every item so far was, or was caused by, being autistic or ADHD. 

My diagnosis came down right in the middle of this. This ramped the stress up even more for her and made things worse. I knew she was having difficulty with my diagnosis, but I didn't understand her bad reaction and distant behavior because she had been keeping all this to herself. 

So I gave her space while I read up on autism, trying to understand how I work. Tonight she told me things that had to change for the relationship to continue. If I hadn't gotten my diagnosis just over a month ago, if I hadn't read so many books on how to deal with it and learn and cope, this would have been the death knell of our relationship of 9 years. 

Instead, I was able to deal with the situation. I was able to ask for the breaks I needed so I didn't get overly stressed and go mute. I took notes so my memory issues wouldn't mess everything up. Using everything I read, I was able to slowly, painfully, translate her needs and concerns into aspie-friendly language I understood, and clear steps I can take to meet them. All of her points were valid. Some of them, I had already started working on. 

If I hadn't gotten this diagnosis, if I hadn't had a month of reading and therapy and insight, the happiest part of my life would be coming to an end. Instead, we're fixing it together. I cannot express how thankful I am to Fate, the Universe, or whatever powers that be. And to think the diagnosis started with what I thought was a goofy online quiz. 

I know it's going to be hard work, but I think we can do it. Now I'm just tired and emotionally wrung out. I just had to share this with someone before passing out. 

Thanks, 

[Guest guest]

wrote:

>

> Yesterday my psychiatrist confirmed my therapist's diagnosis of

> Asperger's. She also added a diagnosis of ADHD. Again, this makes sense

> in hindsight, but totally blew my mind at the time. I thought surely I'd

> had my allotment of paradigm shifting revelations. But I was wrong.

>

> Tonight my partner told me that for the past few months, she'd been

> considering what she needed to do to live the best life she could, and

> that it could involve leaving me. She has a long list of things that

> were broken in our relationship, as she saw it. Turns out every item so

> far was, or was caused by, being autistic or ADHD.

>

> My diagnosis came down right in the middle of this. This ramped the

> stress up even more for her and made things worse. I knew she was having

> difficulty with my diagnosis, but I didn't understand her bad reaction

> and distant behavior because she had been keeping all this to herself.

It might help you both to try kicking the stigmatizing idea of

" diagnosis " . There's nothing " wrong " or sick going on with you.

You're different; nothing worse. Well okay, ... your cognitive

'style' and some of your behaviors are a bit incompatible with those of

the dominant NT population.

But you have *lots* of company. Consider the numbers: 1 in 100 (about

1% or even higher) of all humankind is like you and me. Think really

hard on that! An interesting likelihood may occur to you after

pondering awhile.

To ease your own relationship forward...

Consider that you're simply in a cross-cultural or even inter-racial

partnership. The things that need doing to make *those* pairings work

successfully are very similar to - or even the same as - what can make

AS/NT partnerships work.

>

> So I gave her space while I read up on autism, trying to understand how

> I work.

Smart! Good thinking. On t'other hand, don't believe *everything* you

read or hear. Some of it's just wrong.

>

> Tonight she told me things that had to change for the relationship to

> continue. If I hadn't gotten my diagnosis just over a month ago, if I

> hadn't read so many books on how to deal with it and learn and cope,

> this would have been the death knell of our relationship of 9 years.

Not unlike my and my wife's experience.

>

> Instead, I was able to deal with the situation. I was able to ask for

> the breaks I needed so I didn't get overly stressed and go mute. I took

> notes so my memory issues wouldn't mess everything up. Using everything

> I read, I was able to slowly, painfully, translate her needs and

> concerns into aspie-friendly language I understood, and clear steps I

> can take to meet them. All of her points were valid. Some of them, I had

> already started working on.

It seems the both of you are doing all the right things. Dig in for the

long haul though - 'cause changing your life patterns won't be a piece

of cake. It will be easy to back-slide, for both of you; you *must*

fight the tendency.

Along with everything else, somewhere in there you both must work on

re-building mutual *trust* and reciprocal *loyalty*.

Nonetheless, it all *can* be done!

>

> If I hadn't gotten this diagnosis, if I hadn't had a month of reading

> and therapy and insight, the happiest part of my life would be coming to

> an end. Instead, we're fixing it together. I cannot express how thankful

> I am to Fate, the Universe, or whatever powers that be. And to think the

> diagnosis started with what I thought was a goofy online quiz.

Yes -- *together* is the key.

>

> I know it's going to be hard work, but I think we can do it.

You *can* do it! We did. ...*Stopped* the marital death-spiral.

Climbed back up to a better, happier and loving-again place for us

both. Maybe it was easier for us than for some - we had never lost the

mutual Trust and Loyalty that are so critical in marriage.

>

> Now I'm just tired and emotionally wrung out. I just had to share this

> with someone before passing out.

-Bill ...AS, ...retired geneticist, ...45 years married.

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

Congratulations and kudos to you . I'm new in this group but just wanted to say that I'm right where your partner is with the diagnosis. My husband finally accepted that he is AS this July and now I am more in love with him than ever. Our past makes more sense, our trouble spots are more clear and I feel so protective of him. We've been married 11 years, have a child together and we nearly divorced 3 years ago. Out of love for each other and love for our child we pushed through somehow and now life is better than ever. Best of luck to you and your partner as you explore this new phase/level of your relationship. I know we are!

Best, Carla.http://about.me/carlagolden