RE: connexion with an AS partner

[Guest guest]

‘theunspecial’, Hi,Yes what you quote here is very familiar to me. Again, let’s remind ourselves that all Aspies are just not the same. But in my experience, there are a lot of us who go through these inner conditions, and recognizing the fact can be very helpful. I’ve quoted this case before, but it is very appropriate. In her book ‘Loving Mr Spock’, Barbara s tells how when she asked her AS boyfriend ‘Danny’, just what he means by the word Love, he had to think for a spell, before replying: “I feel safe”. In other words, love for him was first and foremost connected with a state of his own mind, and not a feeling or response about the other party in the relationship. I would totally concur with Danny’s assessment. It has always been true in my own life, throughout three marriages etc. In my own book, I have one essay on the same topic that I label ‘Love as a basis or result’. Naturally this bears a bit of a sad or shocking message to the average NT. No unconditional love here of course. The spontaneity of course tends to be lacking, because within the Aspie there is always the process going on that waits for the comfort/safety factor to be present before he can be genuinely loving in any way. Keep in mind too, that the Aspie, having lived a life of fabricating or acting ‘as if’ through his relationships, may well be choosing to behave in politically acceptable ways in order to be acceptable. For the perceptive or intuitive NT partner, naturally, the responses and approaches of such an Aspie may well be unconvincing and thus unsatisfying. A principle that I think bears some validity within some Aspie/NT marriages is that if you want to know truly what the AS individual thinks and feels, hear exactly what he says in the spontaneous and unguarded moment, when with no pressures (or realization that he is being interrogated) he speaks his mind at the first time. You do better to listen to what he comes out with then, rather than to find out what he may say after a discussion or when he has been pleaded with or intensely questioned. Take good note of what he says then, and best if you don’t do the normal NT thing, and come to conclusions after, based on what he DOES. Cheers,Ron. This is from " Connecting With Your Asperger Partner: Negotiating the Maze of Intimacy " , by Louise Weston.p. 148 (Chapter 12: Connecting Intimately) " Connecting intimately is unique to the human race. According to Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Needs', to connect intimately one must feel physically and emotionally safe (see Chapter 10). Do you desperately need to be understood and long for affection, closeness and quality time? This chapter explores the issues surrounding emotional and sexual intimacy, offering strategies to help you and your partner feel emotionally safe.*Emotional and physical safety*If a person doesn't feel safe, it's unlikely that they will desire intimacy of any kind. An environment free from verbal, physical, emotional and sexual abuse is imperative. With regards to emotional safety, Aspies feel safe when their 'comforting routines' are maIntained or encouraged, while most NTs experience emotional safety when quality time is shared with their partner. One Aspie shared his thoughts: 'The NT wants to emotionally connect with the Aspie, whereas the Aspie needs to feel emotionally safe before they connect' (Anon Aspie 2009). " This made a lot of sense to me. My AS boyfriend and I often get in a vicious cycle: we haven't been close in a while so I get anxious and sad, which in turn makes him feel unsafe because I become irritable and I complain and nag, making him want to run away from me, etc. Things get worse because we both feel at the end of our ropes. He would need for me to nurture a calm and lighthearted atmosphere in order to give me the affection I need, and I would need his affection in order to act in a calm and lighthearted manner.I realized that it would be more productive for me to give things a push myself, or at least discuss this situation outright with my boyfriend. Before a weekend camping trip, I was afraid that we would spend the whole weekend stressing out and not connecting. I approached him and made a pact: I promised to be relaxed and not to nag, and he promised to try to surprise me with affection here and there.Reading this paragraph also made me curious as to what exactly is Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Needs' and how to make my AS partner feel safe, in order to nurture the loving atmosphere that we both want in the end. I went back in the book and found the following information.