On nurturing an intimate connexion with an AS partner

[Guest guest]

I've bought a few books on NT/AS relationships, some helpful, some less so.

Recently I have come across a few passages from one of my books which have been

really helpful.

This is from " Connecting With Your Asperger Partner: Negotiating the Maze of

Intimacy " , by Louise Weston.

p. 148 (Chapter 12: Connecting Intimately)

" Connecting intimately is unique to the human race. According to Maslow's

'Hierarchy of Needs', to connect intimately one must feel physically and

emotionally safe (see Chapter 10). Do you desperately need to be understood and

long for affection, closeness and quality time? This chapter explores the issues

surrounding emotional and sexual intimacy, offering strategies to help you and

your partner feel emotionally safe.

*Emotional and physical safety*

If a person doesn't feel safe, it's unlikely that they will desire intimacy of

any kind. An environment free from verbal, physical, emotional and sexual abuse

is imperative. With regards to emotional safety, Aspies feel safe when their

'comforting routines' are maIntained or encouraged, while most NTs experience

emotional safety when quality time is shared with their partner. One Aspie

shared his thoughts: 'The NT wants to emotionally connect with the Aspie,

whereas the Aspie needs to feel emotionally safe before they connect' (Anon

Aspie 2009). "

This made a lot of sense to me. My AS boyfriend and I often get in a vicious

cycle: we haven't been close in a while so I get anxious and sad, which in turn

makes him feel unsafe because I become irritable and I complain and nag, making

him want to run away from me, etc. Things get worse because we both feel at the

end of our ropes. He would need for me to nurture a calm and lighthearted

atmosphere in order to give me the affection I need, and I would need his

affection in order to act in a calm and lighthearted manner.

I realized that it would be more productive for me to give things a push myself,

or at least discuss this situation outright with my boyfriend. Before a weekend

camping trip, I was afraid that we would spend the whole weekend stressing out

and not connecting. I approached him and made a pact: I promised to be relaxed

and not to nag, and he promised to try to surprise me with affection here and

there.

Reading this paragraph also made me curious as to what exactly is Maslow's

'Hierarchy of Needs' and how to make my AS partner feel safe, in order to

nurture the loving atmosphere that we both want in the end. I went back in the

book and found the following information.

p. 135 (Chapter 10: Regaining Your Identity)

" The Aspie's Needs

*Safety needs*

Everyone has a basic requirement to feel that the world is predictable,

organized and stable. Safety needs are met through feeling secure, emotionally

and physically.

Listen to two Aspies' perspectives:

---

STORY A

I feel safe when things are predictable and stable. \ like relationships where

the other person is consistent and stable. (Anon 2008)

---

STORY B

My environmental routine needs to be stable at al\ times for me to stay in green

zone. If you encourage me to do my Special Interest when my environmental

routine is not exactly the same as it normally is, I can easily go into orange

or red zone. Irritations and meltdowns could happen frequently if a change in my

routine or my family's routine occurs.

Environmental routine means everyone and everything in the family and household

has to stay the same. If the household routine becomes · disrupted, it really

upsets me. An example is when my wife was on leave · from work, she wasn't using

the bathroom at exactly the same time as usual. This disrupted the order of my

routine.

Television shows have to be on at exactly the same time. I become really annoyed

when my favourite show is moved to a different time because sport has replaced

it. Watching that programme is part of my routine that I enjoy immensely.

My rigid routine makes me feel happy, safe, on familiar ground and secure.

Everything needs to be in its right place and working well. Family members need

to be consistent in what they do. Environmental routine · is equally as

important as enjoying and concentrating on my Special Interest. (Anon 2009)

---

Isn't it reasonable to deduce from these statements that Aspies may not always

have their safety needs met due to the many, unpredictable sItuatIons in

everyday life? This must be extremely stressful for them.

Even sensory issues that you take for granted are difficult for your partner.

Some Aspies are perpetually worried and harassed due to life's unpredictability.

Just coping with everyday issues is a challenge for them. They have a lot of

difficulty feeling comfortable in their environment. It needs to be organized

and controlled, for example, the temperature has to be perfect and their

personal items may have to be arranged in a certain way. For these reasons, it's

helpful if you can empathize with your partner and what they are going through.

If an Aspie finds it difficult to be at peace, is it any wonder they don't feel

safe? If their level of anxiety decreases, they might move on to the next level,

which is love and belonging. They can regress at any time and move between the

levels in Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Needs'. If the Aspie doesn't feel emotionally

safe, they may have difficulty expressing and feeling comfortable with love and

belonging.

*Love and belonging*

Many Aspies have felt estranged at times, especially during childhood, as a

result of rejection, criticism and bullying. Self-protection against alienation

becomes a daily goal, as does fitting in and making friends.

How do Aspies fulfil their love and belonging needs, when most have few, if any,

friends? Struggling with relationship difficulties may lead to further

insecunnes and a possible absence of love and belonging. In " Communicating in

the 21st Century " , Eunson describes love and belonging needs as social needs,

requiring the company of other people.

A basic human instinct is to feel that you belong and are accepted by a family

or a group of people who share common goals or ideas. The fact is that we all

need to feel connected to others. Even though many Aspies enjoy spending lengthy

periods of time alone, it doesn't mean that they don't have any love and

belonging needs. ActJally, quite the opposite is true. Listen to one female

Aspie's view:

---

For Aspies, belonging and feeling accepted is as important (if not more

important) than it is for NTs. Also, love is a necessity for many Aspies. We

just have a slightly different take on what it might look like. (Anon 2009)

---

*Self-esteem*

The next level, of esteem and status, is unattainable if the Aspie hasn't

fulfilled their 'love and belonging' needs. Feelings ofloneliness can lead to

anxiety and depression. If anxiety and depression continue, suggest they seek

help from their doctor. Through encouraging the development of your partner's

positive attributes and involvement in the Special Interest, their self-esteem

is likely to increase.

NTs should be careful not to judge Aspies. One Aspie said, 'I'll never be good

enough. I never get it right' (Anon 2009). Aspies can't be expected to progress

through the stages of Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Needs' if they're being discouraged

at each level. It's akin to climbing a ladder and being constantly pulled down

to the rung below each time you start to climb. Frustration ensues as the Aspie

believes they will never make it . to the top, to reach self-actualization. They

still have a need to belong and feel worthwhile. This can be achieved by the NT

giving the Aspie frequent praise when it is due and encouraging their Special

Interest.

*Self-actualization*

The Aspie achieves self-actualization through engaging in their Special Interest

which makes them feel emotionally safe. If love and belonging ani self-esteem

needs haven't been met, your partner may not be able to fully reach

self-actualization. Is it any wonder they want to engage frequently in their

Special Interest? This makes them feel extremely happy I, and at peace.

SPECIAL INTEREST STORIES

---

A female Aspie shared her story:

For the Aspie, a sense of self is very often derived from the relationship with

their special interest. Most humans derive a sense of self from their

relationships with others, as well as other factors, such as career, hobbies,

etc. For us, the focus can be a little more singular and systematic. If the

Aspie is allowed to derive their sense of self from their special interest, they

can achieve some happiness and fulfilment in a world that makes little or even

no sense to them. It's helpful if the NT partner tries to understand that the

Aspie needs the special interest, like any human needs to breathe. If this can

be factored in and understood within the parameters of the relationship, it can

be enriching for all involved.

The AS/NT relationship is certainly different to the norm. However, it can be

wonderful and exciting, all the same. Most often, the key to a meaningful life

is inextricably linked in with my special interest. I bond with my painting, as

I express myself most fully, through it. In actual fact, the special interest

allows me the expression of emotional range and subtlety - the very things we

often can't achieve in relationships with other people 'in the moment'. The

special interest is where the fullest manifestation of self can be actualized

and experienced, Most certainly in my case, best outcomes in terms of quality of

life can be achieved when I'm encouraged to develop my interest as my vocation

and career. The special interest fuses with me. It allows for a complete and

relaxed sense of who I am. (Anon 2009)

---

A male Aspie shared:

Self-actualization is achieved through my Special Interest. As well as feeling

inspired, a deep sense of personal satisfaction, achievement and self-worth is

experienced through my Special Interest. I feel emotionally safe when doing my

project, because I'm in my comfort zone. (Anon 2009)

--- "

There, this was a bit long, but it helped me understand how to help my partner

reach the level of calm and comfort at which I am most likely to connect with

him emotionally and enjoy the good moments. And there are good moments.

When they happen, we laugh, we hug, we squeal like happy kittens and we

genuinely know why we are together. When the anxiety takes over sometimes I

don't know why I stay anymore. I'm sure most of you have been there, it's a

dark, terrible place and it seems to have no way out. But this book is helping

me find a way to pull us back together when this happens, and this I appreciate

immensely. No digging forever to try to find the REASONS of why we react this

way to each other; instead, it offers me tricks and tips and solutions and

suggestions as to WHAT TO DO when it happens, in order to catch us when we're

spinning out of control and reestablish some sense of happiness with concrete

actions.

I hope this helps someone!

[Guest guest]

Thanks! I have not read that book, but it does sound helpful.

Some of these strategies have worked well for me. I've been encouraging my AS boyfriend with his special interest in the piano. (He hadn't played for 15 years because he did not have access to a piano, but I went out and bought one even though I can't play.) He loves the new piano and I love hearing him play. It has brought us closer together.

Annette

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Wed, August 1, 2012 5:21:24 PMSubject: On nurturing an intimate connexion with an AS partner

I've bought a few books on NT/AS relationships, some helpful, some less so. Recently I have come across a few passages from one of my books which have been really helpful.This is from "Connecting With Your Asperger Partner: Negotiating the Maze of Intimacy", by Louise Weston.p. 148 (Chapter 12: Connecting Intimately)"Connecting intimately is unique to the human race. According to Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Needs', to connect intimately one must feel physically and emotionally safe (see Chapter 10). Do you desperately need to be understood and long for affection, closeness and quality time? This chapter explores the issues surrounding emotional and sexual intimacy, offering strategies to help you and your partner feel emotionally safe.*Emotional and physical safety*If a person doesn't feel safe, it's unlikely that they will desire intimacy of any kind. An environment free from verbal, physical, emotional and sexual

abuse is imperative. With regards to emotional safety, Aspies feel safe when their 'comforting routines' are maIntained or encouraged, while most NTs experience emotional safety when quality time is shared with their partner. One Aspie shared his thoughts: 'The NT wants to emotionally connect with the Aspie, whereas the Aspie needs to feel emotionally safe before they connect' (Anon Aspie 2009)."This made a lot of sense to me. My AS boyfriend and I often get in a vicious cycle: we haven't been close in a while so I get anxious and sad, which in turn makes him feel unsafe because I become irritable and I complain and nag, making him want to run away from me, etc. Things get worse because we both feel at the end of our ropes. He would need for me to nurture a calm and lighthearted atmosphere in order to give me the affection I need, and I would need his affection in order to act in a calm and lighthearted manner.I realized that it would be

more productive for me to give things a push myself, or at least discuss this situation outright with my boyfriend. Before a weekend camping trip, I was afraid that we would spend the whole weekend stressing out and not connecting. I approached him and made a pact: I promised to be relaxed and not to nag, and he promised to try to surprise me with affection here and there.Reading this paragraph also made me curious as to what exactly is Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Needs' and how to make my AS partner feel safe, in order to nurture the loving atmosphere that we both want in the end. I went back in the book and found the following information.p. 135 (Chapter 10: Regaining Your Identity)"The Aspie's Needs*Safety needs*Everyone has a basic requirement to feel that the world is predictable, organized and stable. Safety needs are met through feeling secure, emotionally and physically.Listen to two Aspies'

perspectives:---STORY AI feel safe when things are predictable and stable. \ like relationships where the other person is consistent and stable. (Anon 2008)---STORY BMy environmental routine needs to be stable at al\ times for me to stay in green zone. If you encourage me to do my Special Interest when my environmental routine is not exactly the same as it normally is, I can easily go into orange or red zone. Irritations and meltdowns could happen frequently if a change in my routine or my family's routine occurs.Environmental routine means everyone and everything in the family and household has to stay the same. If the household routine becomes · disrupted, it really upsets me. An example is when my wife was on leave · from work, she wasn't using the bathroom at exactly the same time as usual. This disrupted the order of my routine.Television shows have to be on at exactly the same time. I become

really annoyed when my favourite show is moved to a different time because sport has replaced it. Watching that programme is part of my routine that I enjoy immensely.My rigid routine makes me feel happy, safe, on familiar ground and secure. Everything needs to be in its right place and working well. Family members need to be consistent in what they do. Environmental routine · is equally as important as enjoying and concentrating on my Special Interest. (Anon 2009)---Isn't it reasonable to deduce from these statements that Aspies may not always have their safety needs met due to the many, unpredictable sItuatIons in everyday life? This must be extremely stressful for them.Even sensory issues that you take for granted are difficult for your partner. Some Aspies are perpetually worried and harassed due to life's unpredictability. Just coping with everyday issues is a challenge for them. They have a lot of difficulty feeling

comfortable in their environment. It needs to be organized and controlled, for example, the temperature has to be perfect and their personal items may have to be arranged in a certain way. For these reasons, it's helpful if you can empathize with your partner and what they are going through.If an Aspie finds it difficult to be at peace, is it any wonder they don't feel safe? If their level of anxiety decreases, they might move on to the next level, which is love and belonging. They can regress at any time and move between the levels in Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Needs'. If the Aspie doesn't feel emotionally safe, they may have difficulty expressing and feeling comfortable with love and belonging.*Love and belonging*Many Aspies have felt estranged at times, especially during childhood, as a result of rejection, criticism and bullying. Self-protection against alienation becomes a daily goal, as does fitting in and making

friends.How do Aspies fulfil their love and belonging needs, when most have few, if any, friends? Struggling with relationship difficulties may lead to further insecunnes and a possible absence of love and belonging. In "Communicating in the 21st Century", Eunson describes love and belonging needs as social needs, requiring the company of other people.A basic human instinct is to feel that you belong and are accepted by a family or a group of people who share common goals or ideas. The fact is that we all need to feel connected to others. Even though many Aspies enjoy spending lengthy periods of time alone, it doesn't mean that they don't have any love and belonging needs. ActJally, quite the opposite is true. Listen to one female Aspie's view:---For Aspies, belonging and feeling accepted is as important (if not more important) than it is for NTs. Also, love is a necessity for many Aspies. We just have a slightly different

take on what it might look like. (Anon 2009)---*Self-esteem*The next level, of esteem and status, is unattainable if the Aspie hasn't fulfilled their 'love and belonging' needs. Feelings ofloneliness can lead to anxiety and depression. If anxiety and depression continue, suggest they seek help from their doctor. Through encouraging the development of your partner's positive attributes and involvement in the Special Interest, their self-esteem is likely to increase.NTs should be careful not to judge Aspies. One Aspie said, 'I'll never be good enough. I never get it right' (Anon 2009). Aspies can't be expected to progress through the stages of Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Needs' if they're being discouraged at each level. It's akin to climbing a ladder and being constantly pulled down to the rung below each time you start to climb. Frustration ensues as the Aspie believes they will never make it . to the top, to reach

self-actualization. They still have a need to belong and feel worthwhile. This can be achieved by the NT giving the Aspie frequent praise when it is due and encouraging their Special Interest.*Self-actualization*The Aspie achieves self-actualization through engaging in their Special Interest which makes them feel emotionally safe. If love and belonging ani self-esteem needs haven't been met, your partner may not be able to fully reach self-actualization. Is it any wonder they want to engage frequently in their Special Interest? This makes them feel extremely happy I, and at peace.SPECIAL INTEREST STORIES---A female Aspie shared her story:For the Aspie, a sense of self is very often derived from the relationship with their special interest. Most humans derive a sense of self from their relationships with others, as well as other factors, such as career, hobbies, etc. For us, the focus can be a little more

singular and systematic. If the Aspie is allowed to derive their sense of self from their special interest, they can achieve some happiness and fulfilment in a world that makes little or even no sense to them. It's helpful if the NT partner tries to understand that the Aspie needs the special interest, like any human needs to breathe. If this can be factored in and understood within the parameters of the relationship, it can be enriching for all involved.The AS/NT relationship is certainly different to the norm. However, it can be wonderful and exciting, all the same. Most often, the key to a meaningful life is inextricably linked in with my special interest. I bond with my painting, as I express myself most fully, through it. In actual fact, the special interest allows me the expression of emotional range and subtlety - the very things we often can't achieve in relationships with other people 'in the moment'. The special interest is where the

fullest manifestation of self can be actualized and experienced, Most certainly in my case, best outcomes in terms of quality of life can be achieved when I'm encouraged to develop my interest as my vocation and career. The special interest fuses with me. It allows for a complete and relaxed sense of who I am. (Anon 2009)---A male Aspie shared:Self-actualization is achieved through my Special Interest. As well as feeling inspired, a deep sense of personal satisfaction, achievement and self-worth is experienced through my Special Interest. I feel emotionally safe when doing my project, because I'm in my comfort zone. (Anon 2009)---"There, this was a bit long, but it helped me understand how to help my partner reach the level of calm and comfort at which I am most likely to connect with him emotionally and enjoy the good moments. And there are good moments.When they happen, we laugh, we hug, we squeal like happy kittens

and we genuinely know why we are together. When the anxiety takes over sometimes I don't know why I stay anymore. I'm sure most of you have been there, it's a dark, terrible place and it seems to have no way out. But this book is helping me find a way to pull us back together when this happens, and this I appreciate immensely. No digging forever to try to find the REASONS of why we react this way to each other; instead, it offers me tricks and tips and solutions and suggestions as to WHAT TO DO when it happens, in order to catch us when we're spinning out of control and reestablish some sense of happiness with concrete actions.I hope this helps someone!