AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

January 11, 2008

Hello Emma (I think?)

Your Grams and my Mom could be the evil twins separated at birth, this week

anyway. I completely understand what you are going through. I have had a very

bad week with my mom.

We just bought a house solely with her in mind where she has a wonderful

large bedroom, living room and wonderfully sunny warm fully equipped bathroom.

ly it is by far the best housing she has ever had in her whole life. All

of the stuff she complained about when she lived in her previous apt. has been

remedied. Being alone, not having her own laundry facilities, not being

able to get out of the house, blah bah blah. She now has everything including my

husband and I daily and all she does is complain. It is not only just

complaining but completely nasty and abusive. She even bit me this week!

Like your Grams she will not bathe (for weeks), or wash her hair (for

months), hardly eats a thing, complains about not having any cookies or candy,

refuses to go anyplace with us, will not do laundry, will not let me do her

laundry, or vacuum her area. She is completely able bodied, she could be doing

some things yet she tells me I am crazy when I tell her she hasn't washed her

hair in two months or that her living room needs vacuuming. Her bad behavior

coupled with her basic lifelong negative personality are just too much at

times.

The general public, including Dr's etc don't get it. They always think there

is some simple solution. They just don't know what it is like unless they

have experienced it first hand. I myself have a hard time understanding it. I

keep thinking in terms of problem solving like " I know, I can hire a cleaning

lady for her and while the cleaning lady is here I can take her out to the

hairdresser for a wash! " NOT! She would NEVER cooperate with that plan. She

makes it impossible to solve anything. This is the way she has always been, make

everything hard and miserable, don't accept any help and then get resentful

about everything. I can't even hand her her meds without getting the evil eye.

Never a thank you. I try to explain to her that she can trust me to be her

ears, eyes and memory. She seems to hate me for it. You are not alone.

So I fully understand your frustration and need to vent just as all of us on

this group do. Hang in there. You will know when you can no longer do it. I

don't know your whole situation but maybe your mom can be convinced to help.

How old are you? Does your grams have any other children in the area? (Here I

go with the problem solving.) Seems you mentioned she had money enough to

hire some outside help. Just know that you are doing the best you can. You have

to give yourself some strokes cuz you are not going to get them from your

grams. You are wonderful to take on the task. Make it your mantra girl and when

you get to the end of your rope hang on for dear life!

& mom Ginny 84 yrs

I

**************Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape.

http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?NCID=aolcmp00300000002489

January 11, 2008

Carol this is really for you (and everyone else who likes to be in the Venter's

Club ;-) !!)

I AM SO SO SICK OF BEING TOLD HOW MEAN AND HORRIBLE I AM JUST FOR TRYING TO

HELP! Grandma is still barely eating (today she's had 1/4 of a blueberry

muffin, 2 bites of

meatloaf, 3 bites of mashed sweet potato) and she's more and more mean and

grumpy by

the minute. Her moron doctor just tells me to talk her into eating more. AS IF

I HADN'T

TRIED THAT! Obviously we've exhausted all other ideas or we wouldn't be trying

to get

MEDICAL advice! I'm surrounded by crazy people and idiots. I cook tasty food,

I clean the

house, I endure excruciating back pain when helping her up and down, I am sweet

as

honey with a smile on my face (and believe me thats work cuz my normal demeanor

is

more on the smart-assed and sarcastic side) no matter what she says to me, and

NOTHING

is ever good enough! I'm just so frustrated today! She hasn't showered since

Tuesday and

quite frankly she stinks and when I tried to get her to shower (or at the very

least put on

some clean clothes) I once again got told how pushy and obnoxious I am and what

an

awful person I am for pushing MY wishes on her. It really is a good thing that

I AM such a

good hearted person with GADS of self restraint because at the moment I can

clearly see

where elder abuse comes from. If my back wasn't hurting so badly I'd be

throwing things

and punching walls right now. MY doctor tells me I need to relax. OH, REALLY?

Gee, why

didn't I think of that? As it is I think one of those jumbo sized bottles of

red wine needs to

be in my future. I actually WISH that some of grandma's dementia would rub off

on me at

the moment. Maybe if I were a little bit less in touch with reality I'd be

better humored

about all of this...

And so once again I am feeling angry and hateful and you all are taking the

brunt of

it...THANK YOU!

Emma

PS Carol I know what you mean about the cyber gremlins eating your emails. I

make a

copy of mine every time before I hit send so that if they do I can try

again...it helps a little

to keep me from throwing the computer across the room. Cuz if I did it might

wake

Grandma up and I just can't deal with THAT again. ;-)

January 11, 2008

i hear you, emma, it is the WORST to be told how you are being " pushy " or bossy

or controlling when allllll you are doing is trying to be caring.

thinking of you, doll.

anna

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Carol this is really for you (and everyone else who likes to be in

the Venter's Club ;-) !!)

I AM SO SO SICK OF BEING TOLD HOW MEAN AND HORRIBLE I AM JUST FOR TRYING TO

HELP! Grandma is still barely eating (today she's had 1/4 of a blueberry

muffin, 2 bites of

meatloaf, 3 bites of mashed sweet potato) and she's more and more mean and

grumpy by

the minute. Her moron doctor just tells me to talk her into eating more. AS IF

I HADN'T

TRIED THAT! Obviously we've exhausted all other ideas or we wouldn't be trying

to get

MEDICAL advice! I'm surrounded by crazy people and idiots. I cook tasty food,

I clean the

house, I endure excruciating back pain when helping her up and down, I am sweet

as

honey with a smile on my face (and believe me thats work cuz my normal demeanor

is

more on the smart-assed and sarcastic side) no matter what she says to me, and

NOTHING

is ever good enough! I'm just so frustrated today! She hasn't showered since

Tuesday and

quite frankly she stinks and when I tried to get her to shower (or at the very

least put on

some clean clothes) I once again got told how pushy and obnoxious I am and what

an

awful person I am for pushing MY wishes on her. It really is a good thing that

I AM such a

good hearted person with GADS of self restraint because at the moment I can

clearly see

where elder abuse comes from. If my back wasn't hurting so badly I'd be

throwing things

and punching walls right now. MY doctor tells me I need to relax. OH, REALLY?

Gee, why

didn't I think of that? As it is I think one of those jumbo sized bottles of

red wine needs to

be in my future. I actually WISH that some of grandma's dementia would rub off

on me at

the moment. Maybe if I were a little bit less in touch with reality I'd be

better humored

about all of this...

And so once again I am feeling angry and hateful and you all are taking the

brunt of

it...THANK YOU!

Emma

PS Carol I know what you mean about the cyber gremlins eating your emails. I

make a

copy of mine every time before I hit send so that if they do I can try

again...it helps a little

to keep me from throwing the computer across the room. Cuz if I did it might

wake

Grandma up and I just can't deal with THAT again. ;-)

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

January 11, 2008

Emma,

I so understand. My mom is always telling me I am hateful, pushy and love

being in control. No I don't love being in control. Lately I just want to run

away. A little bit ago she took a hot pocket out of the freezer and started to

eat it. I just mentioned that it might taste better if she put it in the

microwave for a few minutes. She just got mad, yelled at me and started

crying. This is my normal day lately. The other thing she has been doing is

packing and repacking her room. She swears we are moving, have moved or are

living on a train. I loved the poem that Carol wrote, I so live that way. When

I come home from work, she is with my husband while I am gone for about 3 hours

in the morning I never know what mood she is going to be in or if I am her

sister or her daughter. The are working on redoing some of her meds which is

scary. She has been tested for uti and is ok. She has just been very confused

lately. I normally just want to scream, but like you

smile and talk sweet. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Well, I guess

I have babbled on long enough. Thanks for listening. Have a great night.

etta

emsyfay wrote:

Carol this is really for you (and everyone else who likes to be in the

Venter's Club ;-) !!)

I AM SO SO SICK OF BEING TOLD HOW MEAN AND HORRIBLE I AM JUST FOR TRYING TO

HELP! Grandma is still barely eating (today she's had 1/4 of a blueberry muffin,

2 bites of

meatloaf, 3 bites of mashed sweet potato) and she's more and more mean and

grumpy by

the minute. Her moron doctor just tells me to talk her into eating more. AS IF I

HADN'T

TRIED THAT! Obviously we've exhausted all other ideas or we wouldn't be trying

to get

MEDICAL advice! I'm surrounded by crazy people and idiots. I cook tasty food, I

clean the

house, I endure excruciating back pain when helping her up and down, I am sweet

as

honey with a smile on my face (and believe me thats work cuz my normal demeanor

is

more on the smart-assed and sarcastic side) no matter what she says to me, and

NOTHING

is ever good enough! I'm just so frustrated today! She hasn't showered since

Tuesday and

quite frankly she stinks and when I tried to get her to shower (or at the very

least put on

some clean clothes) I once again got told how pushy and obnoxious I am and what

an

awful person I am for pushing MY wishes on her. It really is a good thing that I

AM such a

good hearted person with GADS of self restraint because at the moment I can

clearly see

where elder abuse comes from. If my back wasn't hurting so badly I'd be throwing

things

and punching walls right now. MY doctor tells me I need to relax. OH, REALLY?

Gee, why

didn't I think of that? As it is I think one of those jumbo sized bottles of red

wine needs to

be in my future. I actually WISH that some of grandma's dementia would rub off

on me at

the moment. Maybe if I were a little bit less in touch with reality I'd be

better humored

about all of this...

And so once again I am feeling angry and hateful and you all are taking the

brunt of

it...THANK YOU!

Emma

PS Carol I know what you mean about the cyber gremlins eating your emails. I

make a

copy of mine every time before I hit send so that if they do I can try

again...it helps a little

to keep me from throwing the computer across the room. Cuz if I did it might

wake

Grandma up and I just can't deal with THAT again. ;-)

---------------------------------

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

January 11, 2008

,

WOW! Sounds like you even have it a bit worse than me, at least in the attitude

department! The longest grandma has gone without washing so far is only about 5

days!

I'm 27 now and have been living with the grandparents since I was 25. We have

hired

about as much help as my mom is willing to shell out grandma's money for. We

have an

overnight aid 5 nights a week starting this week and she also comes on saturdays

so I can

have one day a week to sleep in. Grandma has 3 kids in the area but I have to

harass them

into visiting even once a month and then they are no help they are just here.

They are

uncomfortable with the fact that grandma is a COMPLETELY different person than

she used

to be and don't know how to act. Doesn't seem to matter that I tell them to

just be

normal. Its just beyond me sometimes how they think I should have no problem

handling

this but they just stare stupidly when they visit and things need to get done or

say, " Um, I

think mom needs your help with ________. " As thought they have no arms and legs

and

can't do it themselves.

Emma

>

> Hello Emma (I think?)

>

> Your Grams and my Mom could be the evil twins separated at birth, this week

> anyway. I completely understand what you are going through. I have had a very

> bad week with my mom.

>

> We just bought a house solely with her in mind where she has a wonderful

> large bedroom, living room and wonderfully sunny warm fully equipped bathroom.

> ly it is by far the best housing she has ever had in her whole life. All

> of the stuff she complained about when she lived in her previous apt. has

been

> remedied. Being alone, not having her own laundry facilities, not being

> able to get out of the house, blah bah blah. She now has everything including

my

> husband and I daily and all she does is complain. It is not only just

> complaining but completely nasty and abusive. She even bit me this week!

>

> Like your Grams she will not bathe (for weeks), or wash her hair (for

> months), hardly eats a thing, complains about not having any cookies or

candy,

> refuses to go anyplace with us, will not do laundry, will not let me do her

> laundry, or vacuum her area. She is completely able bodied, she could be

doing

> some things yet she tells me I am crazy when I tell her she hasn't washed her

> hair in two months or that her living room needs vacuuming. Her bad behavior

> coupled with her basic lifelong negative personality are just too much at

> times.

>

> The general public, including Dr's etc don't get it. They always think there

> is some simple solution. They just don't know what it is like unless they

> have experienced it first hand. I myself have a hard time understanding it. I

> keep thinking in terms of problem solving like " I know, I can hire a cleaning

> lady for her and while the cleaning lady is here I can take her out to the

> hairdresser for a wash! " NOT! She would NEVER cooperate with that plan. She

> makes it impossible to solve anything. This is the way she has always been,

make

> everything hard and miserable, don't accept any help and then get resentful

> about everything. I can't even hand her her meds without getting the evil eye.

> Never a thank you. I try to explain to her that she can trust me to be her

> ears, eyes and memory. She seems to hate me for it. You are not alone.

>

> So I fully understand your frustration and need to vent just as all of us on

> this group do. Hang in there. You will know when you can no longer do it. I

> don't know your whole situation but maybe your mom can be convinced to help.

> How old are you? Does your grams have any other children in the area? (Here

I

> go with the problem solving.) Seems you mentioned she had money enough to

> hire some outside help. Just know that you are doing the best you can. You

have

> to give yourself some strokes cuz you are not going to get them from your

> grams. You are wonderful to take on the task. Make it your mantra girl and

when

> you get to the end of your rope hang on for dear life!

>

> & mom Ginny 84 yrs

>

> I

>

> **************Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape.

> http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?NCID=aolcmp00300000002489

>

January 11, 2008

They always take their frustrations out on the

caregiver, the one who is doing the most for them, and

it is very aggravating. It sounds easy to say to let

it go, but it is very hard to not take personally.

And, when they tell you not to get stressed, that in

itself is stressful. How can you not get stressed?

I found when my husband went to the NH that he took

his angry behavior and frustrations out on them and

was much better to me, so that theory pretty much

rings true. It doesn't help you much now, but if you

can just keep remembering that it's not you they are

so angry with, it's the disease, their feelings, etc.,

and they take it out on whomever is closest to them.

June

--- " beachwritergirl@... "

wrote:

> i hear you, emma, it is the WORST to be told how you

> are being " pushy " or bossy or controlling when

> allllll you are doing is trying to be caring.

>

> thinking of you, doll.

> anna

>

> AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

>

> Carol this is really for you (and

> everyone else who likes to be in the Venter's Club

> ;-) !!)

>

> I AM SO SO SICK OF BEING TOLD HOW MEAN AND HORRIBLE

> I AM JUST FOR TRYING TO

>

> HELP! Grandma is still barely eating (today she's

> had 1/4 of a blueberry muffin, 2 bites of

>

> meatloaf, 3 bites of mashed sweet potato) and she's

> more and more mean and grumpy by

>

> the minute. Her moron doctor just tells me to talk

> her into eating more. AS IF I HADN'T

>

> TRIED THAT! Obviously we've exhausted all other

> ideas or we wouldn't be trying to get

>

> MEDICAL advice! I'm surrounded by crazy people and

> idiots. I cook tasty food, I clean the

>

> house, I endure excruciating back pain when helping

> her up and down, I am sweet as

>

> honey with a smile on my face (and believe me thats

> work cuz my normal demeanor is

>

> more on the smart-assed and sarcastic side) no

> matter what she says to me, and NOTHING

>

> is ever good enough! I'm just so frustrated today!

> She hasn't showered since Tuesday and

>

> quite frankly she stinks and when I tried to get her

> to shower (or at the very least put on

>

> some clean clothes) I once again got told how pushy

> and obnoxious I am and what an

>

> awful person I am for pushing MY wishes on her. It

> really is a good thing that I AM such a

>

> good hearted person with GADS of self restraint

> because at the moment I can clearly see

>

> where elder abuse comes from. If my back wasn't

> hurting so badly I'd be throwing things

>

> and punching walls right now. MY doctor tells me I

> need to relax. OH, REALLY? Gee, why

>

> didn't I think of that? As it is I think one of

> those jumbo sized bottles of red wine needs to

>

> be in my future. I actually WISH that some of

> grandma's dementia would rub off on me at

>

> the moment. Maybe if I were a little bit less in

> touch with reality I'd be better humored

>

> about all of this...

>

> And so once again I am feeling angry and hateful and

> you all are taking the brunt of

>

> it...THANK YOU!

>

> Emma

>

> PS Carol I know what you mean about the cyber

> gremlins eating your emails. I make a

>

> copy of mine every time before I hit send so that if

> they do I can try again...it helps a little

>

> to keep me from throwing the computer across the

> room. Cuz if I did it might wake

>

> Grandma up and I just can't deal with THAT again.

> ;-)

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Be a better friend, newshound, and

know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

January 11, 2008

That is true with me too June, Jim ended up in a nh when I could no longer

tolerate his aggressiveness, since he has been in the nh, he no longer is

aggressive with me and I have him home for the weekends and everything runs

smoothly............Jan

June Christensen wrote: They always take their

frustrations out on the

caregiver, the one who is doing the most for them, and

it is very aggravating. It sounds easy to say to let

it go, but it is very hard to not take personally.

And, when they tell you not to get stressed, that in

itself is stressful. How can you not get stressed?

I found when my husband went to the NH that he took

his angry behavior and frustrations out on them and

was much better to me, so that theory pretty much

rings true. It doesn't help you much now, but if you

can just keep remembering that it's not you they are

so angry with, it's the disease, their feelings, etc.,

and they take it out on whomever is closest to them.

June

--- " beachwritergirl@... "

wrote:

> i hear you, emma, it is the WORST to be told how you

> are being " pushy " or bossy or controlling when

> allllll you are doing is trying to be caring.

>

> thinking of you, doll.

> anna

>

> AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

>

> Carol this is really for you (and

> everyone else who likes to be in the Venter's Club

> ;-) !!)

>

> I AM SO SO SICK OF BEING TOLD HOW MEAN AND HORRIBLE

> I AM JUST FOR TRYING TO

>

> HELP! Grandma is still barely eating (today she's

> had 1/4 of a blueberry muffin, 2 bites of

>

> meatloaf, 3 bites of mashed sweet potato) and she's

> more and more mean and grumpy by

>

> the minute. Her moron doctor just tells me to talk

> her into eating more. AS IF I HADN'T

>

> TRIED THAT! Obviously we've exhausted all other

> ideas or we wouldn't be trying to get

>

> MEDICAL advice! I'm surrounded by crazy people and

> idiots. I cook tasty food, I clean the

>

> house, I endure excruciating back pain when helping

> her up and down, I am sweet as

>

> honey with a smile on my face (and believe me thats

> work cuz my normal demeanor is

>

> more on the smart-assed and sarcastic side) no

> matter what she says to me, and NOTHING

>

> is ever good enough! I'm just so frustrated today!

> She hasn't showered since Tuesday and

>

> quite frankly she stinks and when I tried to get her

> to shower (or at the very least put on

>

> some clean clothes) I once again got told how pushy

> and obnoxious I am and what an

>

> awful person I am for pushing MY wishes on her. It

> really is a good thing that I AM such a

>

> good hearted person with GADS of self restraint

> because at the moment I can clearly see

>

> where elder abuse comes from. If my back wasn't

> hurting so badly I'd be throwing things

>

> and punching walls right now. MY doctor tells me I

> need to relax. OH, REALLY? Gee, why

>

> didn't I think of that? As it is I think one of

> those jumbo sized bottles of red wine needs to

>

> be in my future. I actually WISH that some of

> grandma's dementia would rub off on me at

>

> the moment. Maybe if I were a little bit less in

> touch with reality I'd be better humored

>

> about all of this...

>

> And so once again I am feeling angry and hateful and

> you all are taking the brunt of

>

> it...THANK YOU!

>

> Emma

>

> PS Carol I know what you mean about the cyber

> gremlins eating your emails. I make a

>

> copy of mine every time before I hit send so that if

> they do I can try again...it helps a little

>

> to keep me from throwing the computer across the

> room. Cuz if I did it might wake

>

> Grandma up and I just can't deal with THAT again.

> ;-)

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Be a better friend, newshound, and

know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

Welcome to LBDcaregivers.

January 11, 2008

Janet

When my mother's Aunt lived with my folks... she got very aggressive. She pretty

much chased my dad out of his own living room. With 20/20 hindsight, I believe

my great Aunt had Lewy . Symptoms were so similar to what mom developed years

later.

After years of care giving at home, when mom finally had to put her Aunt in the

nursing home... she got " sweeter " to mom again.

Dann

Janet Colello wrote: That

is true with me too June, Jim ended up in a nh when I could no longer tolerate

his aggressiveness, since he has been in the nh, he no longer is aggressive with

me and I have him home for the weekends and everything runs

smoothly............Jan

June Christensen wrote: They always take their

frustrations out on the

caregiver, the one who is doing the most for them, and

it is very aggravating. It sounds easy to say to let

it go, but it is very hard to not take personally.

And, when they tell you not to get stressed, that in

itself is stressful. How can you not get stressed?

I found when my husband went to the NH that he took

his angry behavior and frustrations out on them and

was much better to me, so that theory pretty much

rings true. It doesn't help you much now, but if you

can just keep remembering that it's not you they are

so angry with, it's the disease, their feelings, etc.,

and they take it out on whomever is closest to them.

June

--- " beachwritergirl@... "

wrote:

> i hear you, emma, it is the WORST to be told how you

> are being " pushy " or bossy or controlling when

> allllll you are doing is trying to be caring.

>

> thinking of you, doll.

> anna

>

> AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

>

> Carol this is really for you (and

> everyone else who likes to be in the Venter's Club

> ;-) !!)

>

> I AM SO SO SICK OF BEING TOLD HOW MEAN AND HORRIBLE

> I AM JUST FOR TRYING TO

>

> HELP! Grandma is still barely eating (today she's

> had 1/4 of a blueberry muffin, 2 bites of

>

> meatloaf, 3 bites of mashed sweet potato) and she's

> more and more mean and grumpy by

>

> the minute. Her moron doctor just tells me to talk

> her into eating more. AS IF I HADN'T

>

> TRIED THAT! Obviously we've exhausted all other

> ideas or we wouldn't be trying to get

>

> MEDICAL advice! I'm surrounded by crazy people and

> idiots. I cook tasty food, I clean the

>

> house, I endure excruciating back pain when helping

> her up and down, I am sweet as

>

> honey with a smile on my face (and believe me thats

> work cuz my normal demeanor is

>

> more on the smart-assed and sarcastic side) no

> matter what she says to me, and NOTHING

>

> is ever good enough! I'm just so frustrated today!

> She hasn't showered since Tuesday and

>

> quite frankly she stinks and when I tried to get her

> to shower (or at the very least put on

>

> some clean clothes) I once again got told how pushy

> and obnoxious I am and what an

>

> awful person I am for pushing MY wishes on her. It

> really is a good thing that I AM such a

>

> good hearted person with GADS of self restraint

> because at the moment I can clearly see

>

> where elder abuse comes from. If my back wasn't

> hurting so badly I'd be throwing things

>

> and punching walls right now. MY doctor tells me I

> need to relax. OH, REALLY? Gee, why

>

> didn't I think of that? As it is I think one of

> those jumbo sized bottles of red wine needs to

>

> be in my future. I actually WISH that some of

> grandma's dementia would rub off on me at

>

> the moment. Maybe if I were a little bit less in

> touch with reality I'd be better humored

>

> about all of this...

>

> And so once again I am feeling angry and hateful and

> you all are taking the brunt of

>

> it...THANK YOU!

>

> Emma

>

> PS Carol I know what you mean about the cyber

> gremlins eating your emails. I make a

>

> copy of mine every time before I hit send so that if

> they do I can try again...it helps a little

>

> to keep me from throwing the computer across the

> room. Cuz if I did it might wake

>

> Grandma up and I just can't deal with THAT again.

> ;-)

>

__________________________________________________________

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

__________________________________________________________

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Welcome to LBDcaregivers.

January 11, 2008

Emma, I am so sorry you are having such a problem. Honey,you are not

alone. This list is the place to vent. And, I will tell you this, I

appreciate it when venting is done on List, because it is not laid on

any one person's shoulders. We all share, and care very much, but we

don't individually feel we are trying to help carry your load alone.

We carry it together. That is what the list is for.

We all suffer through many problems, and share what we can when we

can.

I really hope you can find a sollution soon. You did say that you had

wanted to become a nurse. You might try going to a teaching college

for nursing. You will be learning and working too. It's an area to

check.

Love a big bunch,

Imogene

>

> Carol this is really for you (and everyone else who likes to be in

the Venter's Club ;-) !!)

>

> I AM SO SO SICK OF BEING TOLD HOW MEAN AND HORRIBLE I AM JUST FOR

TRYING TO

> HELP! Grandma is still barely eating (today she's had 1/4 of a

blueberry muffin, 2 bites of

> meatloaf, 3 bites of mashed sweet potato) and she's more and more

mean and grumpy by

> the minute. Her moron doctor just tells me to talk her into eating

more. AS IF I HADN'T

> TRIED THAT! Obviously we've exhausted all other ideas or we

wouldn't be trying to get

> MEDICAL advice! I'm surrounded by crazy people and idiots. I cook

tasty food, I clean the

> house, I endure excruciating back pain when helping her up and

down, I am sweet as

> honey with a smile on my face (and believe me thats work cuz my

normal demeanor is

> more on the smart-assed and sarcastic side) no matter what she says

to me, and NOTHING

> is ever good enough! I'm just so frustrated today! She hasn't

showered since Tuesday and

> quite frankly she stinks and when I tried to get her to shower (or

at the very least put on

> some clean clothes) I once again got told how pushy and obnoxious I

am and what an

> awful person I am for pushing MY wishes on her. It really is a

good thing that I AM such a

> good hearted person with GADS of self restraint because at the

moment I can clearly see

> where elder abuse comes from. If my back wasn't hurting so badly

I'd be throwing things

> and punching walls right now. MY doctor tells me I need to relax.

OH, REALLY? Gee, why

> didn't I think of that? As it is I think one of those jumbo sized

bottles of red wine needs to

> be in my future. I actually WISH that some of grandma's dementia

would rub off on me at

> the moment. Maybe if I were a little bit less in touch with

reality I'd be better humored

> about all of this...

> And so once again I am feeling angry and hateful and you all are

taking the brunt of

> it...THANK YOU!

> Emma

> PS Carol I know what you mean about the cyber gremlins eating your

emails. I make a

> copy of mine every time before I hit send so that if they do I can

try again...it helps a little

> to keep me from throwing the computer across the room. Cuz if I

did it might wake

> Grandma up and I just can't deal with THAT again. ;-)

>

January 11, 2008

, you are a doll. too. You are in the same situation with caring

for your Grandmother. We all know they would not be that way if they

could help it. But, they can't, and we are stuck with it. If Don

starts getting nasty I will have to find other arrangements for him.

I can't handle that kind of stress at all. I have a great deal of

love, but also am fragile in the face of someone being mean to me.

Take care darling, And,love a lot with a smile if possible,

Imogene

>

> i hear you, emma, it is the WORST to be told how you are

being " pushy " or bossy or controlling when allllll you are doing is

trying to be caring.

>

> thinking of you, doll.

> anna

>

> AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

>

> Carol this is really for you (and everyone else who

likes to be in the Venter's Club ;-) !!)

>

> I AM SO SO SICK OF BEING TOLD HOW MEAN AND HORRIBLE I AM JUST FOR

TRYING TO

>

> HELP! Grandma is still barely eating (today she's had 1/4 of a

blueberry muffin, 2 bites of

>

> meatloaf, 3 bites of mashed sweet potato) and she's more and more

mean and grumpy by

>

> the minute. Her moron doctor just tells me to talk her into eating

more. AS IF I HADN'T

>

> TRIED THAT! Obviously we've exhausted all other ideas or we

wouldn't be trying to get

>

> MEDICAL advice! I'm surrounded by crazy people and idiots. I cook

tasty food, I clean the

>

> house, I endure excruciating back pain when helping her up and

down, I am sweet as

>

> honey with a smile on my face (and believe me thats work cuz my

normal demeanor is

>

> more on the smart-assed and sarcastic side) no matter what she says

to me, and NOTHING

>

> is ever good enough! I'm just so frustrated today! She hasn't

showered since Tuesday and

>

> quite frankly she stinks and when I tried to get her to shower (or

at the very least put on

>

> some clean clothes) I once again got told how pushy and obnoxious I

am and what an

>

> awful person I am for pushing MY wishes on her. It really is a

good thing that I AM such a

>

> good hearted person with GADS of self restraint because at the

moment I can clearly see

>

> where elder abuse comes from. If my back wasn't hurting so badly

I'd be throwing things

>

> and punching walls right now. MY doctor tells me I need to relax.

OH, REALLY? Gee, why

>

> didn't I think of that? As it is I think one of those jumbo sized

bottles of red wine needs to

>

> be in my future. I actually WISH that some of grandma's dementia

would rub off on me at

>

> the moment. Maybe if I were a little bit less in touch with

reality I'd be better humored

>

> about all of this...

>

> And so once again I am feeling angry and hateful and you all are

taking the brunt of

>

> it...THANK YOU!

>

> Emma

>

> PS Carol I know what you mean about the cyber gremlins eating your

emails. I make a

>

> copy of mine every time before I hit send so that if they do I can

try again...it helps a little

>

> to keep me from throwing the computer across the room. Cuz if I

did it might wake

>

> Grandma up and I just can't deal with THAT again. ;-)

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

January 12, 2008

Emma,

I am sorry you are so stressed and soooo understand. I don't know if this will

help, or how you can get it done, bt giving up your EXPECTATIONS will help a

lot. When I could do that, everything did relax.

Can you imagine getting that mad at a 2 or 3 year old? That is what you are

mentally dealing with as far as her communications are going. We don't know

what they say and what they really MEAN are the same thing. Maybe she is trying

to figure out how she can do what ever you request and it is overwhelming to

her. What comes automatically to us, is a major problem for them.

I can say that now that I am out of the middle of it. It was much harder when I

wasn't. I just know when I stopped expecting her to understand, it got easier

for ME.

Lots of hugs and so sorry!

Donna R

Caregave for Mom (after I brought her from WI to MI) for 3 years and 4th year in

a nh.

She was almost 89 when she died in '02. No dx other than mine.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Carol this is really for you (and everyone else who likes to be in the Venter's

Club ;-) !!)

I AM SO SO SICK OF BEING TOLD HOW MEAN AND HORRIBLE I AM JUST FOR TRYING TO

HELP! Grandma is still barely eating (today she's had 1/4 of a blueberry

muffin, 2 bites of

meatloaf, 3 bites of mashed sweet potato) and she's more and more mean and

grumpy by

the minute. Her moron doctor just tells me to talk her into eating more. AS IF

I HADN'T

TRIED THAT! Obviously we've exhausted all other ideas or we wouldn't be trying

to get

MEDICAL advice! I'm surrounded by crazy people and idiots. I cook tasty food,

I clean the

house, I endure excruciating back pain when helping her up and down, I am sweet

as

honey with a smile on my face (and believe me thats work cuz my normal demeanor

is

more on the smart-assed and sarcastic side) no matter what she says to me, and

NOTHING

is ever good enough! I'm just so frustrated today! She hasn't showered since

Tuesday and

quite frankly she stinks and when I tried to get her to shower (or at the very

least put on

some clean clothes) I once again got told how pushy and obnoxious I am and what

an

awful person I am for pushing MY wishes on her. It really is a good thing that

I AM such a

good hearted person with GADS of self restraint because at the moment I can

clearly see

where elder abuse comes from. If my back wasn't hurting so badly I'd be

throwing things

and punching walls right now. MY doctor tells me I need to relax. OH, REALLY?

Gee, why

didn't I think of that? As it is I think one of those jumbo sized bottles of

red wine needs to

be in my future. I actually WISH that some of grandma's dementia would rub off

on me at

the moment. Maybe if I were a little bit less in touch with reality I'd be

better humored

about all of this...

And so once again I am feeling angry and hateful and you all are taking the

brunt of

it...THANK YOU!

Emma

PS Carol I know what you mean about the cyber gremlins eating your emails I

make a

copy of mine every time before I hit send so that if they do I can try

again...it helps a little

to keep me from throwing the computer across the room. Cuz if I did it might

wake

Grandma up and I just can't deal with THAT again. ;-)

January 12, 2008

donna,

good point about the not getting that mad at a 2 or 3 year old. i will try to

keep that in mind when i get frustrated with my grandmother. i have a niece

(natalie) whom i see quite a lot who is 2 and 1/2 -- so it should be pretty easy

for me to imagine reacting to natalie instead of my grandmother.

thanks!

anna

AHHHHHHHH!!! !!!!!!!!

Carol this is really for you (and everyone else who likes to be in the Venter's

Club ;-) !!)

I AM SO SO SICK OF BEING TOLD HOW MEAN AND HORRIBLE I AM JUST FOR TRYING TO

HELP! Grandma is still barely eating (today she's had 1/4 of a blueberry

muffin, 2 bites of

meatloaf, 3 bites of mashed sweet potato) and she's more and more mean and

grumpy by

the minute. Her moron doctor just tells me to talk her into eating more. AS IF

I HADN'T

TRIED THAT! Obviously we've exhausted all other ideas or we wouldn't be trying

to get

MEDICAL advice! I'm surrounded by crazy people and idiots. I cook tasty food,

I clean the

house, I endure excruciating back pain when helping her up and down, I am sweet

as

honey with a smile on my face (and believe me thats work cuz my normal demeanor

is

more on the smart-assed and sarcastic side) no matter what she says to me, and

NOTHING

is ever good enough! I'm just so frustrated today! She hasn't showered since

Tuesday and

quite frankly she stinks and when I tried to get her to shower (or at the very

least put on

some clean clothes) I once again got told how pushy and obnoxious I am and what

an

awful person I am for pushing MY wishes on her. It really is a good thing that

I AM such a

good hearted person with GADS of self restraint because at the moment I can

clearly see

where elder abuse comes from. If my back wasn't hurting so badly I'd be

throwing things

and punching walls right now. MY doctor tells me I need to relax. OH, REALLY?

Gee, why

didn't I think of that? As it is I think one of those jumbo sized bottles of

red wine needs to

be in my future. I actually WISH that some of grandma's dementia would rub off

on me at

the moment. Maybe if I were a little bit less in touch with reality I'd be

better humored

about all of this...

And so once again I am feeling angry and hateful and you all are taking the

brunt of

it...THANK YOU!

Emma

PS Carol I know what you mean about the cyber gremlins eating your emails I

make a

copy of mine every time before I hit send so that if they do I can try

again...it helps a little

to keep me from throwing the computer across the room. Cuz if I did it might

wake

Grandma up and I just can't deal with THAT again. ;-)

January 12, 2008

It seems sometimes that we all have a remedy for the ailment,we don't

I just think everyone needs choices when there is a problem,

and as so many have posted what works for one won't work

for all, but maybe " once in a blue moon " maybe it will.

My sister that now lives with us has a very strong \

personality even now.

So when I became the to be caregiver I gave her 3 choices;

#1. you can continue living in the Asst. Living Apt., #2

You can move to a nursing home or #3, you can build a

room onto our house and move in with us. I even now

sometimes have to threaten her with moving her to a NH,

and she knows exactly what I am talking about and she

does what she should have from the beginning. I had to

threaten her with a NH to get her to let someone help

her with a bath, hey it worked for me and still does.

Wish I had the magic wand to make all these people

well, it ain't gonna happen so we do the best we can

Jayn

in S GA

**************Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape.

http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?NCID=aolcmp00300000002489

January 12, 2008

Emma,

I am here for you! I know you are a wonderful person, and I know how it

feels to be getting crap for trying to do the rIght thing.

There are times I wish as caregivers we could just have a place to lean into

and cry, and be blessed with strong arms and kind words.

It would seem neither of us have that! I am a married woman, and this is

Jim's mom I am caring for, and I cannot even complain to her son. All he does

is tells me to take a pill, or give his mom more pills.

If this really worked all of the time, the 30 or so pills Jim takes everyday

should make him perfect!

You used the word stubborn the other day, I believe, and that fits our

situation perfectly. If Millie weren't so damn stubborn about so many things,

the care she would be so much better. Mille refuses to take a shower, and hence

she has the last yellow tinges of a bruise from her forhead to nose. If she

would let me waash her hair, we wouldn't have to find just anybody to do her

hair on Sundays when we have to take potluck at hairdressers.

Her father trained the mules to work the tobacco farms when she was a girl.

I think she may be part mule herself. We bought a transport chair to get her

around, and she has yet to agree to use it.

Just finding the window of time when she is awake, clean, and lucid enough to

go out is the biggest challenge of any week.

I hold by the " people wash " idea, even though tongue in cheek for comic

relief.

If we could see the end, we would be better able to pace ourselves, but not

being able to know exactly how this plays out, takes such a toll.

I cried at work yesterday, and my principal must think I am a nutcase. the

kids know i may not always be at my best, but yesterday I am thankful I just

made it through the day without hurting someone.

24 hours of sleep has been good for me. I am almost nodding off still as I

write this, but feel for you so tonight.

The seasonal affective disorder is so real, as well. I do not know how you

guys survive.

I think the Gathering plans should include some real stress breakers in the

mix. Target practice using Lewy targets, would be good. All of our muscles are

so loaded with Lewy Stress, that some physical challenges would be good.

Primal screams and waterslides should be encouraged!

I know I can't get to the gathering, as school will be starting for us, but I

do hope there are some real gut level stress reducing activities planned. Emma,

I would challenge you to water balloons at ten paces. We all need to laugh, and

there are so few opportunities.

Somehow we all need to release some of the physical tension that caregiving is

heaping on us. A good game of whack-a-mole, would be so therapuetic.

Does anyone have the Wii game that gets you physically involved?

Once they get back out on the market, I may get one, at Millies's expense,

just to get some physical activity to release some endorphins.

if you really were such an awful person, you never would have agreed to help

take care of grandma anyway!

Too bad it is not summer, or you could hose grandma off in the yard.

Sorry we can't throw your grandma in to swim with the mantees.

I hear your frustration, and wish I could help!

Keep us posted!

Carol

---------------------------------

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January 12, 2008

carol -- i have the wii game and it is AWESOME! (and i am soooo NOT a video

game person -- but it really is like actually playing whatever game. i'm a

particular fan of the wii boxing!!!!)

email me off list if you have any questions about it.

and thanks, as always, for your honest and cheering posts.

xo

anna

Re:AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!