Re: Re: (article) Help! My Friend is a Bit . . . Different

[Guest guest]

>

> We may think we are trying to be " nice " by not calling the behavior, but it's

more due to simply not wanting to deal with it directly because it could be

unpleasant. The ensuing fallout of not dealing with it .. others being

uncomfortable when the offending member is present, negative assumptions about

offending member, subsequent passive-aggressive behavior towards offending

member .. will be worse than not dealing with it.

I agree with you, Helen. I guess the fear of potential conflict blinds

people to understanding this... so frustrating. Although I can

understand why some people might choose to avoid potential conflict in

some situations, especially if they need to rely on the goodwill of the

offending party to maintain access to resources that they value. In the

example used in the article, that isn't the case though.

> In dealing with it you get one of two possible outcomes 1) the offending

member, though probably feeling a little stung, is thankful to be clued in,

reflects on their behavior and works to change it, maybe asks you for to give a

hidden cue when they are running off at the mouth 2) the offending member gets

defensive, blows up, stomps off in a huff never to be seen again. Either way,

it's preferable to ongoing subtle negativity emanating from the aggrieved

parties towards the offender, and eventual exclusion of offender if the behavior

was not called and checked.

Definitely preferable. Given the popularity of outcome #2 though, I

can really understand why people err on the side of caution and resort

to negativity instead to deal with their stress. They may see it as the

lesser of two evils.

> I think he's providing a framework.

You're probably right, Helen.

Some Aspies who otherwise liked the article found his language

patronizing, as if he was talking down to the offending party without

showing any interest whatsoever in their viewpoint.

Others thought that any direct mention of the offense was " too in your

face " . In a population that doesn't read social cues well, it would

seem that some directness would be necessary though.

There was also a mention of " feeling judged " from those who are likely

to perceive any adverse feedback about their behavior as condemnation of

them as a person. Not sure that any language would be acceptable to

this population.

Overall, the article seemed to be very well-received in the

neurodiversity community, which is good to see. A few nits to pick here

and there, but very positive for the most part.

> I think the key is no unnecessary dialogue that might distract from the main

point, and stripping all emotionalism and judgement from the statement .. the

" keep it simple " principle.

Yes, too much dialogue would definitely be distracting and confusing,

especially to folks who struggle with their social communication skills.

> All that being said, you express yourself clearly and intelligently, CJ so I

am sure that whatever way you found to get the message across would be effective

if the person was prepared to " listen. "

I appreciate your kind words, Helen. I really do work very hard at it.

Though truth be told, it can be very frustrating to put in all that

effort, yet have so little control over how others perceive my message.

So often, life experiences (aka " baggage " ) dictate how people receive

the message, and the impact of these experiences are usually way more

powerful than my best efforts.

> I got a kick out of the author's little story in the end, and the protagonist

that he named " Helen " hahahahaha. I have a friend who I have to be *that* direct

with too, she doesn't " hear " me when I use more than three words to say I need

to get going for the day.

I like that story too. At one time I required some of that directness

myself in terms of knowing when to wrap things up (albeit to a lesser

degree). Over time, my pendulum seems to have swung in the opposite

direction though, and now I tend to be somewhat hypervigilant about

being a burden on (the time of) others, which isn't good either.

> Great site! Many of the communication difficulties that arise with AS in the

mix often arise in purely NT/NT interactions as well. Good catch, CJ!

> - Helen

>

I've been enjoying the site too, Helen. There is so much good stuff in

the archives that could benefit just about anyone.

Best,

~CJ