Re: (article) Help! My Friend is a Bit . . . Different

[Guest guest]

> A friend shared this Q & A article with me. I thought the spirit behind it was

very good.

>

> I was also glad to see that the author focused on how the frustrated/annoyed

individuals were complicit in perpetuating their own frustration/annoyance.

I noticed that and liked that too. A lot of times we are complicit in that

regard, because we don't know how to deal with it assertively, or we do know,

but it seems unpleasant! So we fall back on the assumption that the other person

" should " know they are annoying/upsetting people, and pick up on our silent

cues, and correct their behavior.

We may think we are trying to be " nice " by not calling the behavior, but it's

more due to simply not wanting to deal with it directly because it could be

unpleasant. The ensuing fallout of not dealing with it .. others being

uncomfortable when the offending member is present, negative assumptions about

offending member, subsequent passive-aggressive behavior towards offending

member .. will be worse than not dealing with it.

In dealing with it you get one of two possible outcomes 1) the offending member,

though probably feeling a little stung, is thankful to be clued in, reflects on

their behavior and works to change it, maybe asks you for to give a hidden cue

when they are running off at the mouth 2) the offending member gets defensive,

blows up, stomps off in a huff never to be seen again. Either way, it's

preferable to ongoing subtle negativity emanating from the aggrieved parties

towards the offender, and eventual exclusion of offender if the behavior was not

called and checked.

> Overall, I found the suggested approaches workable. Although I would probably

have used less stilted, formal language.

I think he's providing a framework. You need to use language that you feel

comfortable with. If it's not your own words it won't be as effective, it would

feel scripted and if the script doesn't get the expected response you'd be

scouring your brain trying to remember the next line, LOL. Sometimes other

people can pick up on when you are not speaking in your own words, too.

I think the key is no unnecessary dialogue that might distract from the main

point, and stripping all emotionalism and judgement from the statement .. the

" keep it simple " principle.

All that being said, you express yourself clearly and intelligently, CJ so I am

sure that whatever way you found to get the message across would be effective if

the person was prepared to " listen. "

I got a kick out of the author's little story in the end, and the protagonist

that he named " Helen " hahahahaha. I have a friend who I have to be *that* direct

with too, she doesn't " hear " me when I use more than three words to say I need

to get going for the day.

> http://www.crucialskills.com/2012/05/help-my-friend-is-a-bit-different/

Great site! Many of the communication difficulties that arise with AS in the mix

often arise in purely NT/NT interactions as well. Good catch, CJ!

- Helen