OT

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

I am having such a rough night of it. Since the first day of the new year I

have come down with an upper respiritory infection that is threatening to turn

to pneumonia. My wheezing/rasping/gasping early this morning is what actually

woke me up because it sounded so much like the noise my dad was making before he

died.

I just cried my eyes out then and there thinking about how much pain he must

must have been in those three days he was in the hospital with pneumonia.

Why didn't I question his having pneumonia or insisting that he have a complete

check up? He started slowing down for about 2 months before he died and his

colour was awful. Where was my head?

Why didn't I check to see if he was being given pain meds during his stay when I

have asked people on this list to make sure their LO's get pain meds whenever

they get pneumonia?

Why didn't I realize that the mattress on those bed/strechers they bring people

in from the ambulance wasn't good for dad and that's why he developed bed sores

on his buttocks and on the balls of his feet? He had diabetes and any open sore

is dangerous.

Why didn't I go out in the hall and scream bloody blue murder until they found

him a bed instead of just accepting that there wasn't one or at least a special

pillow for his back?

Why didn't I realize that he even had sores on his buttocks and the balls of his

feet? I just figured he was complaining of pain because he had to stay laying

in bed for 3 days.

Why didn't I insist that the nurses at the NH keep his bandages changed and

fresh? Why didn't I check up on that? Where was my follow up? When I looked at

his feet after he died and took off those whacky space boots on his feet his

bandages looked so dried out with blood, why didn't I pay attention? I'm almost

positive that this is what caused the sepsis that eventually killed him.

Since dad died I really haven't been too hard on myself with the " what ifs " and

" if onlys " because dad was never very much satisfied with anything in the last

few years of his life and he only let you do so much for him but I feel like I

let him down. I feel like he would still be with us today if I had paid more

attention to him. Yes, I stayed with him as much as I could but that wasn't

enough - I should have done more. The tears have been flowing fast and furious

these last few days. I just feel so very bad about what I failed to do for dad.

I feel so sad for my father.

Courage