Guest guest Posted January 4, 2008 Report Share Posted January 4, 2008 Dear Carol- Very well put. Written with such grace, dignity, and a positive outlook. I missed you for the time your computers were in the shop. So very glad to have you back. Praying for you to see manatees again soon. Sending along hugs all the way to Florida- Sandie  Des Moines, IA dad, Merle, passed away from LBD 9-20-02, age 65 mum, Jo, (MIL) passed away from LBD 4-29-07, age 78 -- Re: OT You did nothing on purpose to harm your dad! When he was in the hospital you were fighting with all the wits you had at the time. (Stress destroys wits) If you could go back, there are things you would do differently, for sure, but given your belief system, if he were offered a chance to be back, would he want to come? I am thinking out loud here, and thinking about my dad. We did everything we could be talked into to save his life. He knew off the feeding tube he would probably not survive. If your dad, and my dad were still meant to be here, they would be. What would your dad say to you, while you are so sick? He knows you were doing your best at the time, and you know you weren't doing anything you thought would hurt him, if he could see you so sick beating yourself up, what would he say to you? I am thinking he would be more worried about you right now, and would want you to take care of yourself. If you could have saved him, you would have, and if he could save you the pain you are going through right now, he would. You probably have many people who still need you, and your dad would rather see you get better for them, than to worry about something you can't change. People die when they have completed their tasks on earth. His job was done. Nothing could have taken him if it weren't so. Beating yourself up right now is doing him no good, and actually doing you harm. Crying will make your symptoms worse. How about writing about all the things you admired about your dad so we can know him better? Make your grief count for something right now. You need your strength to get better, and through this site you are helping others all the time. What would make him more proud right now? Tears and regret, or helping others? I hope this helps. We need you here! Feel his spirit, and send him a kiss. I believe he can see you. Writing out loud, for me and for you. XOXOX, Carol Tell us more about his life, and what about him made you a chosen caregiver? > > Hi All, > > I am having such a rough night of it. Since the first day of the new year I have come down with an upper respiritory infection that is threatening to turn to pneumonia. My wheezing/rasping/gasping early this morning is what actually woke me up because it sounded so much like the noise my dad was making before he died. > > I just cried my eyes out then and there thinking about how much pain he must must have been in those three days he was in the hospital with pneumonia. > > Why didn't I question his having pneumonia or insisting that he have a complete check up? He started slowing down for about 2 months before he died and his colour was awful. Where was my head? > > Why didn't I check to see if he was being given pain meds during his stay when I have asked people on this list to make sure their LO's get pain meds whenever they get pneumonia? > > Why didn't I realize that the mattress on those bed/strechers they bring people in from the ambulance wasn't good for dad and that's why he developed bed sores on his buttocks and on the balls of his feet? He had diabetes and any open sore is dangerous. > > Why didn't I go out in the hall and scream bloody blue murder until they found him a bed instead of just accepting that there wasn't one or at least a special pillow for his back? > > Why didn't I realize that he even had sores on his buttocks and the balls of his feet? I just figured he was complaining of pain because he had to stay laying in bed for 3 days. > > Why didn't I insist that the nurses at the NH keep his bandages changed and fresh? Why didn't I check up on that? Where was my follow up? When I looked at his feet after he died and took off those whacky space boots on his feet his bandages looked so dried out with blood, why didn't I pay attention? I'm almost positive that this is what caused the sepsis that eventually killed him. > > Since dad died I really haven't been too hard on myself with the " what ifs " and " if onlys " because dad was never very much satisfied with anything in the last few years of his life and he only let you do so much for him but I feel like I let him down. I feel like he would still be with us today if I had paid more attention to him. Yes, I stayed with him as much as I could but that wasn't enough - I should have done more. The tears have been flowing fast and furious these last few days. I just feel so very bad about what I failed to do for dad. I feel so sad for my father. > Courage > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 4, 2008 Report Share Posted January 4, 2008 Sandie, gulf water temp went down, so there may be lots o'manatees. gandchildren are coming over tomorrow to go see them. your e-mail helped me immensely, and it was easy to write to courage and send up prayers for her. thank you for your kind words regarding response to Courage. I just let the Spirit have it's way. I hope Courage can feel it! Did you caucas? don't want to know your candidate, just wanted to know if you got in on the fun? I have no intention of getting into politics here. I am on thin enough ice, going spiritual for Courage. Now dearie, get to bed! Carol > > > > Hi All, > > > > I am having such a rough night of it. Since the first day of the > new year I have come down with an upper respiritory infection that is > threatening to turn to pneumonia. My wheezing/rasping/gasping early > this morning is what actually woke me up because it sounded so much > like the noise my dad was making before he died. > > > > I just cried my eyes out then and there thinking about how much > pain he must must have been in those three days he was in the > hospital with pneumonia. > > > > Why didn't I question his having pneumonia or insisting that he > have a complete check up? He started slowing down for about 2 months > before he died and his colour was awful. Where was my head? > > > > Why didn't I check to see if he was being given pain meds during > his stay when I have asked people on this list to make sure their > LO's get pain meds whenever they get pneumonia? > > > > Why didn't I realize that the mattress on those bed/strechers they > bring people in from the ambulance wasn't good for dad and that's why > he developed bed sores on his buttocks and on the balls of his feet? > He had diabetes and any open sore is dangerous. > > > > Why didn't I go out in the hall and scream bloody blue murder until > they found him a bed instead of just accepting that there wasn't one > or at least a special pillow for his back? > > > > Why didn't I realize that he even had sores on his buttocks and the > balls of his feet? I just figured he was complaining of pain because > he had to stay laying in bed for 3 days. > > > > Why didn't I insist that the nurses at the NH keep his bandages > changed and fresh? Why didn't I check up on that? Where was my > follow up? When I looked at his feet after he died and took off those > whacky space boots on his feet his bandages looked so dried out with > blood, why didn't I pay attention? I'm almost positive that this is > what caused the sepsis that eventually killed him. > > > > Since dad died I really haven't been too hard on myself with > the " what ifs " and " if onlys " because dad was never very much > satisfied with anything in the last few years of his life and he only > let you do so much for him but I feel like I let him down. I feel > like he would still be with us today if I had paid more attention to > him. Yes, I stayed with him as much as I could but that wasn't > enough - I should have done more. The tears have been flowing fast > and furious these last few days. I just feel so very bad about what > I failed to do for dad. I feel so sad for my father. > > Courage > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 4, 2008 Report Share Posted January 4, 2008 Carol- Please share if you get to see any manatees. Thankfully green is a nice color as I shall turn green with envy. Truly hoping all is in line to see the manatees. Please kiss one for me. Yes, I did caucus. First time ever. I was very intimated with it then found out I don't know why I was intimated in the first place. I guess I did miss Bill Clinton though. Found out he was at the middle school I was at signing autographs and having his picture taken. It was a madhouse at first then calmed down once the doors shut. Interesting stuff to say the least. Hoping for thin ice here in Des Moines by the end of the weekend. Melting is supposed to happen. So you can relocate and be on thin ice with me. No manatees swimming below the ice though...bummer! Going to bed after I write this. Good night, happy dreams, and my prayers will include your name- Sandie  Des Moines, IA dad, Merle, passed away from LBD 9-20-02, age 65 mum, Jo, (MIL) passed away from LBD 4-29-07, age 78 -- Re: Carol - OT Sandie, gulf water temp went down, so there may be lots o'manatees. gandchildren are coming over tomorrow to go see them. your e-mail helped me immensely, and it was easy to write to courage and send up prayers for her. thank you for your kind words regarding response to Courage. I just let the Spirit have it's way. I hope Courage can feel it! Did you caucas? don't want to know your candidate, just wanted to know if you got in on the fun? I have no intention of getting into politics here. I am on thin enough ice, going spiritual for Courage. Now dearie, get to bed! Carol > > > > Hi All, > > > > I am having such a rough night of it. Since the first day of the > new year I have come down with an upper respiritory infection that is > threatening to turn to pneumonia. My wheezing/rasping/gasping early > this morning is what actually woke me up because it sounded so much > like the noise my dad was making before he died. > > > > I just cried my eyes out then and there thinking about how much > pain he must must have been in those three days he was in the > hospital with pneumonia. > > > > Why didn't I question his having pneumonia or insisting that he > have a complete check up? He started slowing down for about 2 months > before he died and his colour was awful. Where was my head? > > > > Why didn't I check to see if he was being given pain meds during > his stay when I have asked people on this list to make sure their > LO's get pain meds whenever they get pneumonia? > > > > Why didn't I realize that the mattress on those bed/strechers they > bring people in from the ambulance wasn't good for dad and that's why > he developed bed sores on his buttocks and on the balls of his feet? > He had diabetes and any open sore is dangerous. > > > > Why didn't I go out in the hall and scream bloody blue murder until > they found him a bed instead of just accepting that there wasn't one > or at least a special pillow for his back? > > > > Why didn't I realize that he even had sores on his buttocks and the > balls of his feet? I just figured he was complaining of pain because > he had to stay laying in bed for 3 days. > > > > Why didn't I insist that the nurses at the NH keep his bandages > changed and fresh? Why didn't I check up on that? Where was my > follow up? When I looked at his feet after he died and took off those > whacky space boots on his feet his bandages looked so dried out with > blood, why didn't I pay attention? I'm almost positive that this is > what caused the sepsis that eventually killed him. > > > > Since dad died I really haven't been too hard on myself with > the " what ifs " and " if onlys " because dad was never very much > satisfied with anything in the last few years of his life and he only > let you do so much for him but I feel like I let him down. I feel > like he would still be with us today if I had paid more attention to > him. Yes, I stayed with him as much as I could but that wasn't > enough - I should have done more. The tears have been flowing fast > and furious these last few days. I just feel so very bad about what > I failed to do for dad. I feel so sad for my father. > > Courage > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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