Re: surprise response to Journal of Best Practices

[Guest guest]

I can report that although we have not finished reading the book yet we are having a great time reading aloud a little at a time then talking for long periods about how similar our own lives have been. Or it opens up my mind to seeing ways my husband may have been processing things so I ask him if that is how it is for him and we have a grand time having me pick his brain. I am very lucky that my hubby had one thing he wanted most in life and that was a family so even though times have been very though he was always willing to try to figure out how he could help make things better, and I am an extremely tenacious person who never gives up. J We always knew we loved each other even when we were hurting the other person or were being hurt by them. Of course finding out 24 years into the marriage after raising 3 children that he had Aspergers sure helped us smooth out the rough patches, which will always be a work in progress. Knowledge is power and it’s not about him “fixing” himself, because he doesn’t need fixing, but our relationship did, and that is up to both of us working at it. I would say this book is a fine tool especially for us wives to help understand the working of our Aspie partner’s minds. Finch is exceptional because he is so articulate and able to relate the inner workings of his beautiful mind. I’ll give another update if anyone likes after we finish the book which at the rate we read this sort of book will be a while. J Cheers,Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of helen_foisySent: March-23-12 12:42 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: surprise response to Journal of Best Practices Hi Ellen,No, you are not the clueless one!I have not read the book myself but two NT spouses here, and Deb, have read it with their AS spouses and gave positive feedback. I hope one or both of them can update us on their spouses responses. There are favourable reviews about this book all over the internet from both AS and NT. However, there are a few comments at the Amazon books site that indicate that for some spouses, the sort of success that Finch and his spouse achieved, will remain illusive. http://www.amazon.com/Journal-Best-Practices-ebook/dp/B004T4KRJMIt does sounds like your husband, though he acknowledges his AS, is in deep denial about some of his behaviors. The ability to be self aware and commit to change for the continued viability of the marriage is a highly individual thing, and that is irrespective of whether they are AS or NT, isn't it? Please know that most AS aren't like that. The majority, when they realize what their challenges are, do their best to overcome them. This is evidenced in the great proliferation of books and websites generated by adults on the spectrum. I count myself as one of the mildly Aspergerish folks here. That being said, I hope you can find some good counseling, and if he won't go, go yourself because it must be very hard on you living with a psychologically abusive person (AS or not!) is incapable of self reflection. I don't think there are many that could put up with his kind of attitude for very long without experiencing very adverse health effects themselves.- Helen>> Has anyone read the new book Journal of Best Practices, written by an Aspie husband working to " adapt " for the sake of his marriage?> > I heard about it and waited to get it from our library. When I brought it home, my husband (dx AS) saw it and started reading it before I did. When he finished, he suggested I read it and then we talk about it. Silly me, I thought he said that because there was something new that struck him - a reason for us to talk.> > The book is all about this man's journey of writing things down to work on to make life better for his family. My husband has been adamant that he can't make any significant change, but that everyone around him needs to be very, very accomodating - not just family members (we already are although he doesn't see it) but everyone who has the wonderful fortune to interact with him. So, I wondered how he was reacting to this book. > > Well, long story short - we talked about the book today. Apparently, he did get something out of it. He pointed out two major things that I am terrible at (his opinion) compared to the wife in the book. The only thing that came out that applied to him - in his view - was that he is light years ahead of the author of this book in his own behavior - (that's a good one!) (note the author is also OCD and my husband is not, and we both agree on that)> > So, yes I'm still a little upset right now about the tongue lashing I got when I expected a positive " let's work together " thing instead. But, that said, I'm wondering if I'm the clueless one here. Have any of you read this - AS and NT alike, and what is your take on it?> > Thanks,> Ellen>

[Guest guest]

Deb, thanks so much for this report. I, and I am sure many members here will

want to hear your follow up. You have a wonderful perspective that is

appreciated by many What your story shows is that if both partners are

willing to try to understand the other side, and makes a conscious effort to

consistently try accommodate the others needs, it does not matter what the

challenges are, they can be overcome. And that is true for many relationship!

- Helen

>

> I can report that although we have not finished reading the book yet we are

> having a great time reading aloud a little at a time then talking for long

> periods about how similar our own lives have been. Or it opens up my mind to

> seeing ways my husband may have been processing things so I ask him if that

> is how it is for him and we have a grand time having me pick his brain.

>

> I am very lucky that my hubby had one thing he wanted most in life and that

> was a family so even though times have been very though he was always

> willing to try to figure out how he could help make things better, and I am

> an extremely tenacious person who never gives up. J We always knew we loved

> each other even when we were hurting the other person or were being hurt by

> them.

>

> Of course finding out 24 years into the marriage after raising 3 children

> that he had Aspergers sure helped us smooth out the rough patches, which

> will always be a work in progress. Knowledge is power and it's not about him

> " fixing " himself, because he doesn't need fixing, but our relationship did,

> and that is up to both of us working at it.

>

> I would say this book is a fine tool especially for us wives to help

> understand the working of our Aspie partner's minds. Finch is

> exceptional because he is so articulate and able to relate the inner

> workings of his beautiful mind.

>

> I'll give another update if anyone likes after we finish the book which at

> the rate we read this sort of book will be a while. J

>

> Cheers,

>

> Deb

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry to hear that. Time is too short for people to yell at each other and

work a negative perspective instead of a positive one.

>

> So, yes I'm still a little upset right now about the tongue lashing I got when

I expected a positive " let's work together " thing instead.

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much Helen. You said it far better than I ever could!Cheers,Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of helen_foisySent: March-25-12 5:21 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: surprise response to Journal of Best Practices Deb, thanks so much for this report. I, and I am sure many members here will want to hear your follow up. You have a wonderful perspective that is appreciated by many What your story shows is that if both partners are willing to try to understand the other side, and makes a conscious effort to consistently try accommodate the others needs, it does not matter what the challenges are, they can be overcome. And that is true for many relationship!- Helen>> I can report that although we have not finished reading the book yet we are> having a great time reading aloud a little at a time then talking for long> periods about how similar our own lives have been. Or it opens up my mind to> seeing ways my husband may have been processing things so I ask him if that> is how it is for him and we have a grand time having me pick his brain. > > I am very lucky that my hubby had one thing he wanted most in life and that> was a family so even though times have been very though he was always> willing to try to figure out how he could help make things better, and I am> an extremely tenacious person who never gives up. J We always knew we loved> each other even when we were hurting the other person or were being hurt by> them. > > Of course finding out 24 years into the marriage after raising 3 children> that he had Aspergers sure helped us smooth out the rough patches, which> will always be a work in progress. Knowledge is power and it's not about him> " fixing " himself, because he doesn't need fixing, but our relationship did,> and that is up to both of us working at it.> > I would say this book is a fine tool especially for us wives to help> understand the working of our Aspie partner's minds. Finch is> exceptional because he is so articulate and able to relate the inner> workings of his beautiful mind. > > I'll give another update if anyone likes after we finish the book which at> the rate we read this sort of book will be a while. J> > Cheers,> > Deb>