Re: Re: Need insight/help

[Guest guest]

hi denise- another thought might be to work on such thoughts as

i can't out of this relationship now

i should have gotten out sooner

he is failing us ( oh i see jon mentioned that one too)

i made a terrible mistake ( there are no mistakes as katie say)

i am an idiot

i am too weak to " fix it " - what does fix it mean?

i cannot be happy being a mom- or would it be more correct to say i cannot

be happy being a stay at home mom?

if you are not happy being a mom what does that mean to you?

is it true you are not happy being a mom- all the time? can you mention

three times you HAVE been happy being a mom.

lots to work on as we all do- i am 62 yrs old, have raised 6 kids and am

starting on grandmotherhood- stayed home some, was an elementary principal,

teacher, etc some too and i am STILL not *always* happy about being a mom!!

and some times i am.

lovingly laurie

> Hi ,

>

> Looks like this inquiry has uncovered some other stuff for you -

> sometimes this is what happens for me, without the thought there are a

> bunch of other thoughts to look at. So no peace, just uncovering

> more stuff to look at.

>

> Some possible places to go with this are:

>

> - Complete this sentence: I will never be happy in this relationship

> because....

>

> - Fill in a complete JYN worksheet on him

>

> and find the judgements / beliefs underneath.

>

> Also you could inquire into the beliefs you uncovered in your original

> inquiry:

>

> I gave up my career

> He is failing us

> I have no time to myself

> I have to look after his needs all day and night

>

> With love,

>

> Jon

>

>

>

--

B. Shuman

Licensed Salesperson

Christensen RealtyUSA

Home Office-375-6592

Cell Phone- 276-8071

712 Street, Clayton NY 13624

office:

PLEASE ASK FOR LAUREN

office fax

E-Mail -laurie.shuman@...

[Guest guest]

Wow, thank you, , this is very helpful. I think I understand much

better now. And I have lots more to work on and think about.

There is a hotline? Do you have any links to learn more about it? Do you know if

its free?

Thank you so much for responding to my questions. I am very grateful! It made my

morning.

Re: Need insight/help

>

>

> >

> > I am never going to be happy in this relationship.

> >

> > Is it true?

> >

> > Well, I can't know for sure that its true because never is an

> > awfully long time. But its been four years and its true so far.

I

> > struggle to find a way to be happy

> ...

> just answer the question.

>

> and keep with that.

>

> Uh... Okay, I don't understand - am I supposed to answer the

question without putting any thought into it? If the question is: Is

it true? and I don't put any thought into the answer, then the answer

is: " I don't know. "

*****Remember, the work is a meditation, comtemplative. Sit with the

question until the answer arises. And it is important to keep it to

yes or no in order to not move into justification or defense (which

the mind loves to do) which is moving back into the story and at that

point is not inquiry. And if the answer really is 'i dont know',

does that feel less stressful? it implies an openness to potential

happiness that would feel less stressful for me.

>

> > , to accept him, to answer my friends who don't understand why

I

> > haven't left yet, to not depend on him in any way. Last night

he

> > tried to touch me after several months of me managing to avoid

it

> > and I was surprised by how completely awful and panicked I felt

> > about being intimate with him. It made me realise how very,

very

> > disconnected and angry I am at him.

> That sounds like your thought is not causing you stress in that

> moment. Something else must be.

>

> I guess the thought is: I can't stand being touched by him right

now, and I should want to be touched by him. But then if I examine

why I don't want to be touched, its because I don't feel happy in the

relationship with him. I'm not sure what else I could be thinking.

****You don't feel happy in the relationship for what specific

reasons? Can you find them? How do you want him to change, what

should he be doing differently? These thoughts are at the bottom of

your unhappiness with him and will be of great benefit to put up

against inquiry. Be as specific as possible and keep it to very

simple statements about what is wrong with him or what he does wrong.

> > > I'd like to say I would be free to try to find other ways to

be

> > happy, but that's not true - in spite of this thought, I spend

a LOT

> > of energy trying to find other ways to be happy but it hasn't

worked.

***trying to find happiness while you still beleive the thought is

not the same as being free to discover happiness WITHOUT the

thought. Of course you can't be happy, you still beleive this

thought no matter how much energy you spend trying to find other ways

to be happy. Your belief in this thought will bring stress and

unhappiness no matter how much energy to expend trying to find

something to distract you from it. It has not been undone so energy

cannot really be freed up.

> Maybe you would just be happy? In the moment? With hope? When you

have

> been trying other ways... how did that trying feel? Where you

excited,

> that you may dicover a new path? One filled with happyness? Did

you

> believe in your success?

>

> No, even without that thought, I wouldn't be happy.

****Is this true? Really sit with it. Can you absolutely know what

state you would be in without this thought?

I just wouldn't be stressed by that thought. It would be one less

stressful thought, but there are still others. Many it feels like.

***Of course it feels like many. It sounds like your mind is

coninuing to justify your story. When one stressful thought is truly

undone, it has a domino effect and many other related thoughts can

simply be noticed without stress at all.

>

>

> > It might be a place to put all the resentment and anger I feel

being

> > a mom, giving up my career, taking care of a little person's

needs

> > all day and night and having no time to myself. If I didn't

have the

> > thought " I am never going to be happy in this relationship " it

might

> > be replaced with the (much more unacceptable to me) thought, " I

> > cannot be happy being a mom. "

***This is rich stuff! IF this thought is more unacceptable to you,

then I would definitely be putting down all of your deepest

judgements and resentments about being a mother...get petty, get it

ALL out on paper without trying to hide any of it from yourself...get

serious about really looking at these thoughts and clearing them up

so that you can return to living the joy of being a mother. Try the

hotline, even if there is screaming in the background while you do

the call!

> I'd just go to " I'll never be happy " .

>

> So you are resentful of being a mom.

> Is that really true? I think so. Not being a mom, but resentful

of not having any interests of my own anymore, not being able to step

outside for a moment without hearing, Mama! And her crying and

banging on the window. Not being able to talk on the phone without

screaming in the background. Not being able to do anything that isn't

focused on her desires (unless I'm willing to tolerate a lot of

crying).

***Good to notice that you can focus on other things, you are simply

not willing to tolerate her crying. So you choose one thing over the

other. Again try to seperate anyone of the beliefs above and work

it. You don't have any interests of your own anymore, is that true?

These stressful thoughts may be keeping you from finding creative

ways to get your needs met in a manner that would feel more

satisfying to you. (and I am not saying this flippantly, I have been

a single parent myself and know how impossible it can seem.) You may

also benefit from doing the work on thoughts like:

I need more time to myself

She should not be so needy

It should be easier

I should have more help

When do you find the time to get on the computer to post? Are you

finding time to do your own interests when you post to this group?

It may be helpful to notice the time that you can find that you may

be overlooking as a result of believing thoughts about her needing

you ALL the time. I ask you this not in a confrontational way, simply

to have you look gently at whether it is true that you have no time

for yourself. Reallly questioning this may open up possibilites and

relieve the stress when you do have to be there to meet her needs

(which may be the majority of your waking hours and some sleeping

ones too!!)

Not getting enough sleep. Having to get up every morning when my

body is screaming for just one more hour of sleep.

>

> And you seem to think that the path " my career " would have put

you at

> a better place, than the one you are now?

> I don't think so.

>

> You would still be with you.

>

> And how do you know wich path you took, when you are alone,

watching

> tv and the kid is sleeping? I am never alone, lol, and the kid

doesn't sleep unless I'm sleeping, too, and most of the time not

then, and we don't have tv.

>

> So sometimes you are at the same place as you were if you had

taken

> that other path. Yes, I'm beginning to realize that, more often

than not its true.

>

> And I'd say more than not.

>

> > Turn it around:

> >

> > I am going to be happy in this relationship. Well, I can't know

that

> > that's any more, or less, truer than the original.

***So the point is that it could be as true as the original thought.

The point is to sit until you open up to the polarity of the original

thought, to open your mind to the truth which is that you dont know

what will happen in the future. The opposite of your original

thought, which causes stress and unhappiness, could be AS true. And

that is an open place, not the I know place of misery.

> yeah. In this relationship with whom, actually?

>

> With my partner? Is this a trick question? Is the answer supposed

to be, " with myself? "

***What answer comes up for you? That is the answer that matters.

And it is good to know that happiness is an internal experience and

you have the potential to be happy whether you are in this

relationship or not. The relationship has nothing to do with your

happiness and when you realize that, you can choose to stay or leave

from a hppy , peaceful place.

>

>

> > My thoughts about this relationship are never going to be happy.

***It is your thoughts that create your happiness or unhappiness,

that is the important thing to notice.

I

> > think I'm having trouble with these turnarounds.

> Yep, because they are not directed to anything. They are unclear.

What

> does " in this relationship " mean? How often a day are you in the

> relationship? It means being in the same house at the same time

with my partner.

>

> So one turnaround would be:

> " I am never going to be happy without this realtionship " .

>

> What about that?

> That sounds awful. How could that be true?

***Whatever we find ourselves dealing with is exactly what we

need...it is all there to serve us, to lead us to freedom. No

mistakes. Your situation is Life giving you all that you need to

question in order to find the truth. Everything is medicine, but we

have to be willing to open to the truth rather than to be right. You

could stay or leave this relationship and whether you do it with

stress or peace is the important difference that the Work can make.

Question all of the stressful thoughts (and ALL can sound

overwhelming, whatever you manage to truly put up against inquiry is

enough) that you have about your situation...change will happen on

it's own and you can find inner peace with it all in the meantime if

you want to work with your own thoughts and resistance. A clear mind

moves more effortlessly to responding to life as it appears, that's

what the work ultimately has to offer us all.

Best wishes,

C.

ps. are you able to ask for help from anyone in your life, to ask

for support if you feel you need it? sometimes, it just doenst seem

like there is anyone available, and in those times it is good to

remember that this time will pass..my daughter is 17 yrs old now and

there were times when i thought i would never get a life back.....and

it jsut wasnt true! doing the work helps me to be right here , right

now peacefully and with more joy than i thought possible , and I've

learned to work with what i couldnt change and be as present as i

could, sleeping when i could, and sometimes just getting thru that

day and another one, dragging my tired ass around and being what i

thought was a terrible mother, and i did the best i could and have a

wonderful relationship with ashleigh that i treasure...and eventually

everything shifts and changes....hope this helps. the more you

question your stressful thoughts the more energy you will free up for

youreslf and your daughter. please consider being facilitated by a

live person on the hotline, it can make a huge difference in the

quality of your inquiry. and can be very supportive.

> >

> Love,

>

>

>

>

>

>

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