Guest guest Posted January 11, 2008 Report Share Posted January 11, 2008 This inquiry brings me no peace. Can anyone help me figure out some other way to look at this or have some insights, especially with the turnarounds? I am never going to be happy in this relationship. Is it true? Well, I can't know for sure that its true because never is an awfully long time. But its been four years and its true so far. I struggle to find a way to be happy, to accept him, to answer my friends who don't understand why I haven't left yet, to not depend on him in any way. Last night he tried to touch me after several months of me managing to avoid it and I was surprised by how completely awful and panicked I felt about being intimate with him. It made me realise how very, very disconnected and angry I am at him. Can I absolutely know that its true that I'm never going to be happy in this relationship? No, of course not. I could change somehow, he could change; I could get a lobotomy or discover some amazing antidepressants; The Work could help me be happy... anything could happen. How do I react when I believe this thought? I am very sad. I cry. I feel frustrated and scared that I haven't gotten out before now. I think I'm an idiot. I think I have made a terrible mistake and I'm too weak to fix it. I look back over the past three years, how I would have money to get out now if I hadn't spent it on paying his bills while he wasn't working but was still racking up credit card debt; if I hadn't refinanced the house to pay his bills I could (probably) afford to live in it without him, and I kick myself and kick myself for being so weak and stupid. Who would I be without this thought? I wouldn't be crying. I would be focused on what I'm going to do today with my toddler, what's for dinner, what sounds like an interesting place to go to get out of the house? I wouldn't look at him and see how he's failing us. I would just see... him, I guess. I'd like to say I would be free to try to find other ways to be happy, but that's not true - in spite of this thought, I spend a LOT of energy trying to find other ways to be happy but it hasn't worked. Sometimes I think my unhappiness with this relationship provides a distraction from a more general unhappiness. It might be a place to put all the resentment and anger I feel being a mom, giving up my career, taking care of a little person's needs all day and night and having no time to myself. If I didn't have the thought " I am never going to be happy in this relationship " it might be replaced with the (much more unacceptable to me) thought, " I cannot be happy being a mom. " Turn it around: I am going to be happy in this relationship. Well, I can't know that that's any more, or less, truer than the original. He is never going to be happy in this relationship. Probably true, but so what. My thoughts about this relationship are never going to be happy. I think I'm having trouble with these turnarounds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2008 Report Share Posted January 11, 2008 Hi , Looks like this inquiry has uncovered some other stuff for you - sometimes this is what happens for me, without the thought there are a bunch of other thoughts to look at. So no peace, just uncovering more stuff to look at. Some possible places to go with this are: - Complete this sentence: I will never be happy in this relationship because.... - Fill in a complete JYN worksheet on him and find the judgements / beliefs underneath. Also you could inquire into the beliefs you uncovered in your original inquiry: I gave up my career He is failing us I have no time to myself I have to look after his needs all day and night With love, Jon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2008 Report Share Posted January 11, 2008 Hi ~ I have another suggestion for you. When I am in a relationship that I believe is not good for me in some way, yet I stay in it, I like to do the work on what fears are 'keeping' me there...after doing my work on why I can't leave, I find I am in a more peaceful place where all sorts of options present themselves and I can either stay or leave and it has very little to do with the other person ~ good luck, wishing you well C > > Hi , > > Looks like this inquiry has uncovered some other stuff for you - > sometimes this is what happens for me, without the thought there are a > bunch of other thoughts to look at. So no peace, just uncovering > more stuff to look at. > > Some possible places to go with this are: > > - Complete this sentence: I will never be happy in this relationship > because.... > > - Fill in a complete JYN worksheet on him > > and find the judgements / beliefs underneath. > > Also you could inquire into the beliefs you uncovered in your original > inquiry: > > I gave up my career > He is failing us > I have no time to myself > I have to look after his needs all day and night > > With love, > > Jon > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 denise.. i had to go back to see if you were the one who wrote about the chocolate candy.. sounds like he takes you for granted and he likes you to take care of him. but thats only MY story.. i dont know.. another turn around i am going to be happy without this relationship.. how is that true.. list the ways.. how long is that list.. Ok maybe im wrong.. RElationships dont make us happy or sad.. except the relationship with ourselves.. ive read i need your love over again. have you read that one??? best wishes, roslyn > > This inquiry brings me no peace. Can anyone help me figure out some other way to look at this or have some insights, especially with the turnarounds? > > I am never going to be happy in this relationship. > > Is it true? > > Well, I can't know for sure that its true because never is an awfully long time. But its been four years and its true so far. I struggle to find a way to be happy, to accept him, to answer my friends who don't understand why I haven't left yet, to not depend on him in any way. Last night he tried to touch me after several months of me managing to avoid it and I was surprised by how completely awful and panicked I felt about being intimate with him. It made me realise how very, very disconnected and angry I am at him. > > Can I absolutely know that its true that I'm never going to be happy in this relationship? > > No, of course not. I could change somehow, he could change; I could get a lobotomy or discover some amazing antidepressants; The Work could help me be happy... anything could happen. > > How do I react when I believe this thought? > > I am very sad. I cry. I feel frustrated and scared that I haven't gotten out before now. I think I'm an idiot. I think I have made a terrible mistake and I'm too weak to fix it. I look back over the past three years, how I would have money to get out now if I hadn't spent it on paying his bills while he wasn't working but was still racking up credit card debt; if I hadn't refinanced the house to pay his bills I could (probably) afford to live in it without him, and I kick myself and kick myself for being so weak and stupid. > > Who would I be without this thought? > > I wouldn't be crying. I would be focused on what I'm going to do today with my toddler, what's for dinner, what sounds like an interesting place to go to get out of the house? I wouldn't look at him and see how he's failing us. I would just see... him, I guess. I'd like to say I would be free to try to find other ways to be happy, but that's not true - in spite of this thought, I spend a LOT of energy trying to find other ways to be happy but it hasn't worked. > > Sometimes I think my unhappiness with this relationship provides a distraction from a more general unhappiness. It might be a place to put all the resentment and anger I feel being a mom, giving up my career, taking care of a little person's needs all day and night and having no time to myself. If I didn't have the thought " I am never going to be happy in this relationship " it might be replaced with the (much more unacceptable to me) thought, " I cannot be happy being a mom. " > > Turn it around: > > I am going to be happy in this relationship. Well, I can't know that that's any more, or less, truer than the original. > > He is never going to be happy in this relationship. Probably true, but so what. > > My thoughts about this relationship are never going to be happy. I think I'm having trouble with these turnarounds. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Dear , thank you for your work. Am 11.01.2008 um 18:09 schrieb : > This inquiry brings me no peace. Can anyone help me figure out some > other way to look at this or have some insights, especially with the > turnarounds? > > I am never going to be happy in this relationship. > > Is it true? > > Well, I can't know for sure that its true because never is an > awfully long time. But its been four years and its true so far. I > struggle to find a way to be happy .... just answer the question. and keep with that. > , to accept him, to answer my friends who don't understand why I > haven't left yet, to not depend on him in any way. Last night he > tried to touch me after several months of me managing to avoid it > and I was surprised by how completely awful and panicked I felt > about being intimate with him. It made me realise how very, very > disconnected and angry I am at him. That sounds like your thought is not causing you stress in that moment. Something else must be. > Can I absolutely know that its true that I'm never going to be happy > in this relationship? > > No, of course not. I could change somehow, he could change; I could > get a lobotomy or discover some amazing antidepressants; The Work > could help me be happy... anything could happen. > How do I react when I believe this thought? And it's even a myth. > I am very sad. I cry. I feel frustrated and scared that I haven't > gotten out before now. I think I'm an idiot. I think I have made a > terrible mistake and I'm too weak to fix it. I look back over the > past three years, how I would have money to get out now if I hadn't > spent it on paying his bills while he wasn't working but was still > racking up credit card debt; if I hadn't refinanced the house to pay > his bills I could (probably) afford to live in it without him, and I > kick myself and kick myself for being so weak and stupid. Actually, this looks like a " I'll never be happy " . You know... if it seems too hard, keep things as simple as possible. > Who would I be without this thought? > > I wouldn't be crying. I would be focused on what I'm going to do > today with my toddler, what's for dinner, what sounds like an > interesting place to go to get out of the house? I wouldn't look at > him and see how he's failing us. I would just see... him, I guess. > I'd like to say I would be free to try to find other ways to be > happy, but that's not true - in spite of this thought, I spend a LOT > of energy trying to find other ways to be happy but it hasn't worked. Maybe you would just be happy? In the moment? With hope? When you have been trying other ways... how did that trying feel? Where you excited, that you may dicover a new path? One filled with happyness? Did you believe in your success? > Sometimes I think my unhappiness with this relationship provides a > distraction from a more general unhappiness. That is often true. Pain can seem to be a distraction from greater pain. > It might be a place to put all the resentment and anger I feel being > a mom, giving up my career, taking care of a little person's needs > all day and night and having no time to myself. If I didn't have the > thought " I am never going to be happy in this relationship " it might > be replaced with the (much more unacceptable to me) thought, " I > cannot be happy being a mom. " I'd just go to " I'll never be happy " . So you are resentful of being a mom. Is that really true? And you seem to think that the path " my career " would have put you at a better place, than the one you are now? I don't think so. You would still be with you. And how do you know wich path you took, when you are alone, watching tv and the kid is sleeping? So sometimes you are at the same place as you were if you had taken that other path. And I'd say more than not. > Turn it around: > > I am going to be happy in this relationship. Well, I can't know that > that's any more, or less, truer than the original. yeah. In this relationship with whom, actually? > He is never going to be happy in this relationship. Probably true, > but so what. His business, anyway. > My thoughts about this relationship are never going to be happy. I > think I'm having trouble with these turnarounds. Yep, because they are not directed to anything. They are unclear. What does " in this relationship " mean? How often a day are you in the relationship? So one turnaround would be: " I am never going to be happy without this realtionship " . What about that? > Love, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 > > I am never going to be happy in this relationship. > > Is it true? > > Well, I can't know for sure that its true because never is an > awfully long time. But its been four years and its true so far. I > struggle to find a way to be happy ... just answer the question. and keep with that. Uh... Okay, I don't understand - am I supposed to answer the question without putting any thought into it? If the question is: Is it true? and I don't put any thought into the answer, then the answer is: " I don't know. " > , to accept him, to answer my friends who don't understand why I > haven't left yet, to not depend on him in any way. Last night he > tried to touch me after several months of me managing to avoid it > and I was surprised by how completely awful and panicked I felt > about being intimate with him. It made me realise how very, very > disconnected and angry I am at him. That sounds like your thought is not causing you stress in that moment. Something else must be. I guess the thought is: I can't stand being touched by him right now, and I should want to be touched by him. But then if I examine why I don't want to be touched, its because I don't feel happy in the relationship with him. I'm not sure what else I could be thinking. > I am very sad. I cry. I feel frustrated and scared that I haven't > gotten out before now. I think I'm an idiot. I think I have made a > terrible mistake and I'm too weak to fix it. I look back over the > past three years, how I would have money to get out now if I hadn't > spent it on paying his bills while he wasn't working but was still > racking up credit card debt; if I hadn't refinanced the house to pay > his bills I could (probably) afford to live in it without him, and I > kick myself and kick myself for being so weak and stupid. Actually, this looks like a " I'll never be happy " . You know... if it seems too hard, keep things as simple as possible. > Who would I be without this thought? > > I wouldn't be crying. I would be focused on what I'm going to do > today with my toddler, what's for dinner, what sounds like an > interesting place to go to get out of the house? I wouldn't look at > him and see how he's failing us. I would just see... him, I guess. > I'd like to say I would be free to try to find other ways to be > happy, but that's not true - in spite of this thought, I spend a LOT > of energy trying to find other ways to be happy but it hasn't worked. Maybe you would just be happy? In the moment? With hope? When you have been trying other ways... how did that trying feel? Where you excited, that you may dicover a new path? One filled with happyness? Did you believe in your success? No, even without that thought, I wouldn't be happy. I just wouldn't be stressed by that thought. It would be one less stressful thought, but there are still others. Many it feels like. > It might be a place to put all the resentment and anger I feel being > a mom, giving up my career, taking care of a little person's needs > all day and night and having no time to myself. If I didn't have the > thought " I am never going to be happy in this relationship " it might > be replaced with the (much more unacceptable to me) thought, " I > cannot be happy being a mom. " I'd just go to " I'll never be happy " . So you are resentful of being a mom. Is that really true? I think so. Not being a mom, but resentful of not having any interests of my own anymore, not being able to step outside for a moment without hearing, Mama! And her crying and banging on the window. Not being able to talk on the phone without screaming in the background. Not being able to do anything that isn't focused on her desires (unless I'm willing to tolerate a lot of crying). Not getting enough sleep. Having to get up every morning when my body is screaming for just one more hour of sleep. And you seem to think that the path " my career " would have put you at a better place, than the one you are now? I don't think so. You would still be with you. And how do you know wich path you took, when you are alone, watching tv and the kid is sleeping? I am never alone, lol, and the kid doesn't sleep unless I'm sleeping, too, and most of the time not then, and we don't have tv. So sometimes you are at the same place as you were if you had taken that other path. Yes, I'm beginning to realize that, more often than not its true. And I'd say more than not. > Turn it around: > > I am going to be happy in this relationship. Well, I can't know that > that's any more, or less, truer than the original. yeah. In this relationship with whom, actually? With my partner? Is this a trick question? Is the answer supposed to be, " with myself? " > My thoughts about this relationship are never going to be happy. I > think I'm having trouble with these turnarounds. Yep, because they are not directed to anything. They are unclear. What does " in this relationship " mean? How often a day are you in the relationship? It means being in the same house at the same time with my partner. So one turnaround would be: " I am never going to be happy without this realtionship " . What about that? That sounds awful. How could that be true? > Love, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2008 Report Share Posted January 18, 2008 > > > > > > I am never going to be happy in this relationship. > > > > Is it true? > > > > Well, I can't know for sure that its true because never is an > > awfully long time. But its been four years and its true so far. I > > struggle to find a way to be happy > ... > just answer the question. > > and keep with that. > > Uh... Okay, I don't understand - am I supposed to answer the question without putting any thought into it? If the question is: Is it true? and I don't put any thought into the answer, then the answer is: " I don't know. " *****Remember, the work is a meditation, comtemplative. Sit with the question until the answer arises. And it is important to keep it to yes or no in order to not move into justification or defense (which the mind loves to do) which is moving back into the story and at that point is not inquiry. And if the answer really is 'i dont know', does that feel less stressful? it implies an openness to potential happiness that would feel less stressful for me. > > > , to accept him, to answer my friends who don't understand why I > > haven't left yet, to not depend on him in any way. Last night he > > tried to touch me after several months of me managing to avoid it > > and I was surprised by how completely awful and panicked I felt > > about being intimate with him. It made me realise how very, very > > disconnected and angry I am at him. > That sounds like your thought is not causing you stress in that > moment. Something else must be. > > I guess the thought is: I can't stand being touched by him right now, and I should want to be touched by him. But then if I examine why I don't want to be touched, its because I don't feel happy in the relationship with him. I'm not sure what else I could be thinking. ****You don't feel happy in the relationship for what specific reasons? Can you find them? How do you want him to change, what should he be doing differently? These thoughts are at the bottom of your unhappiness with him and will be of great benefit to put up against inquiry. Be as specific as possible and keep it to very simple statements about what is wrong with him or what he does wrong. > > > I'd like to say I would be free to try to find other ways to be > > happy, but that's not true - in spite of this thought, I spend a LOT > > of energy trying to find other ways to be happy but it hasn't worked. ***trying to find happiness while you still beleive the thought is not the same as being free to discover happiness WITHOUT the thought. Of course you can't be happy, you still beleive this thought no matter how much energy you spend trying to find other ways to be happy. Your belief in this thought will bring stress and unhappiness no matter how much energy to expend trying to find something to distract you from it. It has not been undone so energy cannot really be freed up. > Maybe you would just be happy? In the moment? With hope? When you have > been trying other ways... how did that trying feel? Where you excited, > that you may dicover a new path? One filled with happyness? Did you > believe in your success? > > No, even without that thought, I wouldn't be happy. ****Is this true? Really sit with it. Can you absolutely know what state you would be in without this thought? I just wouldn't be stressed by that thought. It would be one less stressful thought, but there are still others. Many it feels like. ***Of course it feels like many. It sounds like your mind is coninuing to justify your story. When one stressful thought is truly undone, it has a domino effect and many other related thoughts can simply be noticed without stress at all. > > > > It might be a place to put all the resentment and anger I feel being > > a mom, giving up my career, taking care of a little person's needs > > all day and night and having no time to myself. If I didn't have the > > thought " I am never going to be happy in this relationship " it might > > be replaced with the (much more unacceptable to me) thought, " I > > cannot be happy being a mom. " ***This is rich stuff! IF this thought is more unacceptable to you, then I would definitely be putting down all of your deepest judgements and resentments about being a mother...get petty, get it ALL out on paper without trying to hide any of it from yourself...get serious about really looking at these thoughts and clearing them up so that you can return to living the joy of being a mother. Try the hotline, even if there is screaming in the background while you do the call! > I'd just go to " I'll never be happy " . > > So you are resentful of being a mom. > Is that really true? I think so. Not being a mom, but resentful of not having any interests of my own anymore, not being able to step outside for a moment without hearing, Mama! And her crying and banging on the window. Not being able to talk on the phone without screaming in the background. Not being able to do anything that isn't focused on her desires (unless I'm willing to tolerate a lot of crying). ***Good to notice that you can focus on other things, you are simply not willing to tolerate her crying. So you choose one thing over the other. Again try to seperate anyone of the beliefs above and work it. You don't have any interests of your own anymore, is that true? These stressful thoughts may be keeping you from finding creative ways to get your needs met in a manner that would feel more satisfying to you. (and I am not saying this flippantly, I have been a single parent myself and know how impossible it can seem.) You may also benefit from doing the work on thoughts like: I need more time to myself She should not be so needy It should be easier I should have more help When do you find the time to get on the computer to post? Are you finding time to do your own interests when you post to this group? It may be helpful to notice the time that you can find that you may be overlooking as a result of believing thoughts about her needing you ALL the time. I ask you this not in a confrontational way, simply to have you look gently at whether it is true that you have no time for yourself. Reallly questioning this may open up possibilites and relieve the stress when you do have to be there to meet her needs (which may be the majority of your waking hours and some sleeping ones too!!) Not getting enough sleep. Having to get up every morning when my body is screaming for just one more hour of sleep. > > And you seem to think that the path " my career " would have put you at > a better place, than the one you are now? > I don't think so. > > You would still be with you. > > And how do you know wich path you took, when you are alone, watching > tv and the kid is sleeping? I am never alone, lol, and the kid doesn't sleep unless I'm sleeping, too, and most of the time not then, and we don't have tv. > > So sometimes you are at the same place as you were if you had taken > that other path. Yes, I'm beginning to realize that, more often than not its true. > > And I'd say more than not. > > > Turn it around: > > > > I am going to be happy in this relationship. Well, I can't know that > > that's any more, or less, truer than the original. ***So the point is that it could be as true as the original thought. The point is to sit until you open up to the polarity of the original thought, to open your mind to the truth which is that you dont know what will happen in the future. The opposite of your original thought, which causes stress and unhappiness, could be AS true. And that is an open place, not the I know place of misery. > yeah. In this relationship with whom, actually? > > With my partner? Is this a trick question? Is the answer supposed to be, " with myself? " ***What answer comes up for you? That is the answer that matters. And it is good to know that happiness is an internal experience and you have the potential to be happy whether you are in this relationship or not. The relationship has nothing to do with your happiness and when you realize that, you can choose to stay or leave from a hppy , peaceful place. > > > > My thoughts about this relationship are never going to be happy. ***It is your thoughts that create your happiness or unhappiness, that is the important thing to notice. I > > think I'm having trouble with these turnarounds. > Yep, because they are not directed to anything. They are unclear. What > does " in this relationship " mean? How often a day are you in the > relationship? It means being in the same house at the same time with my partner. > > So one turnaround would be: > " I am never going to be happy without this realtionship " . > > What about that? > That sounds awful. How could that be true? ***Whatever we find ourselves dealing with is exactly what we need...it is all there to serve us, to lead us to freedom. No mistakes. Your situation is Life giving you all that you need to question in order to find the truth. Everything is medicine, but we have to be willing to open to the truth rather than to be right. You could stay or leave this relationship and whether you do it with stress or peace is the important difference that the Work can make. Question all of the stressful thoughts (and ALL can sound overwhelming, whatever you manage to truly put up against inquiry is enough) that you have about your situation...change will happen on it's own and you can find inner peace with it all in the meantime if you want to work with your own thoughts and resistance. A clear mind moves more effortlessly to responding to life as it appears, that's what the work ultimately has to offer us all. Best wishes, C. ps. are you able to ask for help from anyone in your life, to ask for support if you feel you need it? sometimes, it just doenst seem like there is anyone available, and in those times it is good to remember that this time will pass..my daughter is 17 yrs old now and there were times when i thought i would never get a life back.....and it jsut wasnt true! doing the work helps me to be right here , right now peacefully and with more joy than i thought possible , and I've learned to work with what i couldnt change and be as present as i could, sleeping when i could, and sometimes just getting thru that day and another one, dragging my tired ass around and being what i thought was a terrible mother, and i did the best i could and have a wonderful relationship with ashleigh that i treasure...and eventually everything shifts and changes....hope this helps. the more you question your stressful thoughts the more energy you will free up for youreslf and your daughter. please consider being facilitated by a live person on the hotline, it can make a huge difference in the quality of your inquiry. and can be very supportive. > > > Love, > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2008 Report Share Posted January 18, 2008 Hi ~ Yes, the hotline is absolutely FREE!! You can find it at www.thework.com which is Byron s website. You will also find many other supportive resources there. I just checked the website and you click on the Resources link at the top of the home page, then you will see a link about half way down the page for the hotline. Best wishes C > > > > > > > > > > I am never going to be happy in this relationship. > > > > > > Is it true? > > > > > > Well, I can't know for sure that its true because never is an > > > awfully long time. But its been four years and its true so far. > I > > > struggle to find a way to be happy > > ... > > just answer the question. > > > > and keep with that. > > > > Uh... Okay, I don't understand - am I supposed to answer the > question without putting any thought into it? If the question is: Is > it true? and I don't put any thought into the answer, then the answer > is: " I don't know. " > > *****Remember, the work is a meditation, comtemplative. Sit with the > question until the answer arises. And it is important to keep it to > yes or no in order to not move into justification or defense (which > the mind loves to do) which is moving back into the story and at that > point is not inquiry. And if the answer really is 'i dont know', > does that feel less stressful? it implies an openness to potential > happiness that would feel less stressful for me. > > > > > , to accept him, to answer my friends who don't understand why > I > > > haven't left yet, to not depend on him in any way. Last night > he > > > tried to touch me after several months of me managing to avoid > it > > > and I was surprised by how completely awful and panicked I felt > > > about being intimate with him. It made me realise how very, > very > > > disconnected and angry I am at him. > > That sounds like your thought is not causing you stress in that > > moment. Something else must be. > > > > I guess the thought is: I can't stand being touched by him right > now, and I should want to be touched by him. But then if I examine > why I don't want to be touched, its because I don't feel happy in the > relationship with him. I'm not sure what else I could be thinking. > > ****You don't feel happy in the relationship for what specific > reasons? Can you find them? How do you want him to change, what > should he be doing differently? These thoughts are at the bottom of > your unhappiness with him and will be of great benefit to put up > against inquiry. Be as specific as possible and keep it to very > simple statements about what is wrong with him or what he does wrong. > > > > > I'd like to say I would be free to try to find other ways to > be > > > happy, but that's not true - in spite of this thought, I spend > a LOT > > > of energy trying to find other ways to be happy but it hasn't > worked. > > ***trying to find happiness while you still beleive the thought is > not the same as being free to discover happiness WITHOUT the > thought. Of course you can't be happy, you still beleive this > thought no matter how much energy you spend trying to find other ways > to be happy. Your belief in this thought will bring stress and > unhappiness no matter how much energy to expend trying to find > something to distract you from it. It has not been undone so energy > cannot really be freed up. > > > Maybe you would just be happy? In the moment? With hope? When you > have > > been trying other ways... how did that trying feel? Where you > excited, > > that you may dicover a new path? One filled with happyness? Did > you > > believe in your success? > > > > No, even without that thought, I wouldn't be happy. > > ****Is this true? Really sit with it. Can you absolutely know what > state you would be in without this thought? > > I just wouldn't be stressed by that thought. It would be one less > stressful thought, but there are still others. Many it feels like. > > ***Of course it feels like many. It sounds like your mind is > coninuing to justify your story. When one stressful thought is truly > undone, it has a domino effect and many other related thoughts can > simply be noticed without stress at all. > > > > > > > > It might be a place to put all the resentment and anger I feel > being > > > a mom, giving up my career, taking care of a little person's > needs > > > all day and night and having no time to myself. If I didn't > have the > > > thought " I am never going to be happy in this relationship " it > might > > > be replaced with the (much more unacceptable to me) thought, " I > > > cannot be happy being a mom. " > > ***This is rich stuff! IF this thought is more unacceptable to you, > then I would definitely be putting down all of your deepest > judgements and resentments about being a mother...get petty, get it > ALL out on paper without trying to hide any of it from yourself...get > serious about really looking at these thoughts and clearing them up > so that you can return to living the joy of being a mother. Try the > hotline, even if there is screaming in the background while you do > the call! > > > I'd just go to " I'll never be happy " . > > > > So you are resentful of being a mom. > > Is that really true? I think so. Not being a mom, but resentful > of not having any interests of my own anymore, not being able to step > outside for a moment without hearing, Mama! And her crying and > banging on the window. Not being able to talk on the phone without > screaming in the background. Not being able to do anything that isn't > focused on her desires (unless I'm willing to tolerate a lot of > crying). > > ***Good to notice that you can focus on other things, you are simply > not willing to tolerate her crying. So you choose one thing over the > other. Again try to seperate anyone of the beliefs above and work > it. You don't have any interests of your own anymore, is that true? > These stressful thoughts may be keeping you from finding creative > ways to get your needs met in a manner that would feel more > satisfying to you. (and I am not saying this flippantly, I have been > a single parent myself and know how impossible it can seem.) You may > also benefit from doing the work on thoughts like: > > I need more time to myself > > She should not be so needy > > It should be easier > > I should have more help > > When do you find the time to get on the computer to post? Are you > finding time to do your own interests when you post to this group? > It may be helpful to notice the time that you can find that you may > be overlooking as a result of believing thoughts about her needing > you ALL the time. I ask you this not in a confrontational way, simply > to have you look gently at whether it is true that you have no time > for yourself. Reallly questioning this may open up possibilites and > relieve the stress when you do have to be there to meet her needs > (which may be the majority of your waking hours and some sleeping > ones too!!) > > Not getting enough sleep. Having to get up every morning when my > body is screaming for just one more hour of sleep. > > > > And you seem to think that the path " my career " would have put > you at > > a better place, than the one you are now? > > I don't think so. > > > > You would still be with you. > > > > And how do you know wich path you took, when you are alone, > watching > > tv and the kid is sleeping? I am never alone, lol, and the kid > doesn't sleep unless I'm sleeping, too, and most of the time not > then, and we don't have tv. > > > > So sometimes you are at the same place as you were if you had > taken > > that other path. Yes, I'm beginning to realize that, more often > than not its true. > > > > And I'd say more than not. > > > > > Turn it around: > > > > > > I am going to be happy in this relationship. Well, I can't know > that > > > that's any more, or less, truer than the original. > > ***So the point is that it could be as true as the original thought. > The point is to sit until you open up to the polarity of the original > thought, to open your mind to the truth which is that you dont know > what will happen in the future. The opposite of your original > thought, which causes stress and unhappiness, could be AS true. And > that is an open place, not the I know place of misery. > > > yeah. In this relationship with whom, actually? > > > > With my partner? Is this a trick question? Is the answer supposed > to be, " with myself? " > > ***What answer comes up for you? That is the answer that matters. > And it is good to know that happiness is an internal experience and > you have the potential to be happy whether you are in this > relationship or not. The relationship has nothing to do with your > happiness and when you realize that, you can choose to stay or leave > from a hppy , peaceful place. > > > > > > > > My thoughts about this relationship are never going to be happy. > > ***It is your thoughts that create your happiness or unhappiness, > that is the important thing to notice. > > I > > > think I'm having trouble with these turnarounds. > > Yep, because they are not directed to anything. They are unclear. > What > > does " in this relationship " mean? How often a day are you in the > > relationship? It means being in the same house at the same time > with my partner. > > > > So one turnaround would be: > > " I am never going to be happy without this realtionship " . > > > > What about that? > > That sounds awful. How could that be true? > > ***Whatever we find ourselves dealing with is exactly what we > need...it is all there to serve us, to lead us to freedom. No > mistakes. Your situation is Life giving you all that you need to > question in order to find the truth. Everything is medicine, but we > have to be willing to open to the truth rather than to be right. You > could stay or leave this relationship and whether you do it with > stress or peace is the important difference that the Work can make. > Question all of the stressful thoughts (and ALL can sound > overwhelming, whatever you manage to truly put up against inquiry is > enough) that you have about your situation...change will happen on > it's own and you can find inner peace with it all in the meantime if > you want to work with your own thoughts and resistance. A clear mind > moves more effortlessly to responding to life as it appears, that's > what the work ultimately has to offer us all. > > Best wishes, > C. > > ps. are you able to ask for help from anyone in your life, to ask > for support if you feel you need it? sometimes, it just doenst seem > like there is anyone available, and in those times it is good to > remember that this time will pass..my daughter is 17 yrs old now and > there were times when i thought i would never get a life back.....and > it jsut wasnt true! doing the work helps me to be right here , right > now peacefully and with more joy than i thought possible , and I've > learned to work with what i couldnt change and be as present as i > could, sleeping when i could, and sometimes just getting thru that > day and another one, dragging my tired ass around and being what i > thought was a terrible mother, and i did the best i could and have a > wonderful relationship with ashleigh that i treasure...and eventually > everything shifts and changes....hope this helps. the more you > question your stressful thoughts the more energy you will free up for > youreslf and your daughter. please consider being facilitated by a > live person on the hotline, it can make a huge difference in the > quality of your inquiry. and can be very supportive. > > > > > > Love, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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