Re: Welcome,

[Guest guest]

Hello ,

You arent alone. There are many people out here who are rooting for you, and , and can help you all.

Firstly, its good that he has attained a diagnosis - this is the double-edged sword, whereby there is relief (no doubt) that there is an explanation for any confusion about his behaviours, and others' reactions to him.

My partner Ian says that having a diagnosis was the first step. He spent quite an abusive childhood with socially disadvantaged parents, moving house a lot, rows, and intense OCD/ADHD behaviours. He didnt get his diagnosis until he was in his late 40's, after meeting me. He explains that trying to interact, learning social skills, and getting it all wrong, made him unsure, and fearful of how he should behave in front of other people.

Many times, he has committed faux paus, where he tries to be either funny, or serious, at entirely the wrong times. These are called Inappropriate remarks, (IR's) and common to many on the spectrum.

Its hard for some AS to have to look at the perception of others, who see the tag of 'high functioning autism' and assume some form of retardation. Its, for me, an issue of how that could benefit, or conversely, stunt, the person with AS. They are of superior intelligence, and their brains are engaged on singular activities that dont always include household day to day activities, or pick up on nuances.

Ian hates illness, only because he feels helpless before it. I am flu ridden at the moment, and Ian's reaction is to ask me if it is catching. His learned social skills come from practising scenarios that work, and he is often stilted and inappropriate in company. He also has meltdowns, based on his inability to emote at the right times, and so he has a time out room where he goes when it all gets tough. He loves children and interacts well with them in play, but cant manage childcare, he is fearful of getting it wrong.

Getting it wrong, not having the answers, and not having a scenario before them, is sometimes a minefield for people with AS. They can split an atom but not realise when you need a cup of tea or a hug. You will need to ask for those things, give him the chance to do them by demonstrating that its the right time, and thanking him for doing the helpful things. They may not occur to him spontaneously.

He will be wondering what to do. You may see a high functioning brain, but you are the practical one, perhaps. This is galling, when you already have one child (and very good wishes for his ongoing health) and you'll feel like you have a second one in your husband. You are spot on about the fear. will be holding back, unable to commit during the worst times, because he will be in a blind panic. Explain things to him, it may not work to get upset or explode, this will drive him away, maybe? Try to be patient, and he will come round.

In terms of the help for you, we have talked here on Aspires about the importance of friends, family and networks. Use them. It may be hard for others around you to see a partner who doesnt pull his weight when times get rough. He is, probably, doing his best, and trying hard against his neurological odds. If you remain loyal to each other, the views or prejudices of others about AS or how he may or may not be capable of whatever tasks others say he should be, then you can justify your seperate roles.

I have joked here before, about how, despite being physically disabled, I have to climb on the roof to fix storm damage (as I have done this very day) because Ian cant see how to/what to do/worries about getting it wrong/is fearful. Ian has Sensory Processing too, so gets anxious around noisy environments, smelly places, and have sensory reactions to textures and tastes. He cant wear layers of clothes. In a noisy place full of people, he cant hear all the conversations and all the noise acutely, and he cant concentrate.

Many AS people find it hard to conduct a chit chat style conversation, and they cant often 'hear' in the same way as NT people do. You have to repeat instructions in short bursts, or write it down, or email them. This may sound bizarre, but it works. A spiel of long chatter causes them to lose concentration or miss vital elements of what you are trying to say.

A lack of attention or apparent lasse faire does not mean that he doesnt care, or doesnt think hard about it all. He will need to have a clear approach, and know that you are there, to pick up the slack. A good aid will be to read up about AS and for you to seek support for you from those around you. If you are both aware of what AS is and how it impacts on him, you can understand and validate his behaviours in context.

He is no doubt trying hard. You are under a strain with the extreme circumstances you are under.

Communicate, understand, validate, and try hugging. He may not be a 'hug-ee' but tell him it does YOU good.

Dont be lonely, come to us for help, and seek the support of other mums, or other AS couples, or good friendships.

Well done for coming here, and to you both for getting to grips with it all.

Judy B, Scotland

Subject: New memberTo: aspires-relationships Date: Monday, 2 January, 2012, 14:50

Hi,

My name is and my husband has just been diagnosed with high functioning Aspergers. We have been married 3 years and together 5 and have a 17 month old son. I'm very excited to find this group and I'm hoping others will help me understand my husband better. This last few years have been really rough for us, had a really hard time holding a job. But since the diagnosis and help for our therapist he is doing much better. Our son was born with a heart condition that required surgery at 6 months old and during the whole process I didn't understand why he was vacant? He would say inappropriate things and caused a lot of drama within the family. The worst part was that he was unable to bond with our son, out of fear. I won't lie that I almost gave up on him, but I'm thankful that I didn't. For those other spouses, please tell me how you have delt with the lonliness that comes with this diagnosis? Thanks so much

[Guest guest]

Judy,

Wow you have a lot of insight on this topic and have really pegged my husband.

We are only now discovering the sensory issues that he has. He also was abused

as a child and we delt with those issues early in our marriage. Since his

diagnosis his family and mine have become much more tolerant to him. When he

goes away to decompress no one gets upset and that has been helpful. He is great

with my son and now that he isn't so sick has bonded with him. I work as a

nursing assistant at a local hospital and have some experience with these types

of issues, his mother is a and RN that used to work in a psych hospital. So she

has been and awesome support. Since I have two young nephews that are on the

spectrum. I'm hoping the things I learn here will help me, help my brother with

his kids.

I guess I needed to freak out last night to put things into prospective. This

site is wonderful and I'm already getting wonderful support. So thank you all

very much.

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> Subject: New member

> To: aspires-relationships

> Date: Monday, 2 January, 2012, 14:50

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> Hi,

> My name is and my husband has just been diagnosed with high functioning

Aspergers. We have been married 3 years and together 5 and have a 17 month old

son. I'm very excited to find this group and I'm hoping others will help me

understand my husband better. This last few years have been really rough for us,

had a really hard time holding a job. But since the diagnosis and help for

our therapist he is doing much better. Our son was born with a heart condition

that required surgery at 6 months old and during the whole process I didn't

understand why he was vacant? He would say inappropriate things and caused a lot

of drama within the family. The worst part was that he was unable to bond with

our son, out of fear. I won't lie that I almost gave up on him, but I'm thankful

that I didn't. For those other spouses, please tell me how you have delt with

the lonliness that comes with this diagnosis? Thanks so much

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