Re: Being AS

[Guest guest]

Don't be discouraged! The professionals and medics (I come across them in my daily work life) I meet, seem to consider AS or spectrum people as being somehow a burden, or akin to mental illness.

Folks with Asperger Syndrome are complex, fun, intelligent, belligerent, single minded, brilliant and complex.

They have sensory issues as well as obsessions, so knowing the quirks, traits and motivations, will help you and yours acknowledge what the AS brings in terms of behaviours.

The hardest part for myself as an NT with an AS partner is that others in my circle of friends and family, dont understand why I am with this person, dismiss his quirks and talk about his inappropriate remarks, his lack of social skills, and ask me why I dont 'find someone else'.

Ian, my partner, can be charming, sociable, and kind. Only if he feels able to, and the circumstances are right, and he isnt worried, fearful or dismissive.

Explaining the Syndrome becomes necessary, because sometimes others make life hard for Ian simply because they judge him on his sensory responses, his lack of perception, or his weird way of speaking, walking or his hobbies.

Yes, my partner is a Star Trek bore, and yes, he cant make money in his chosen field of skills, writing. Many AS do make a great career, they are brilliant thinkers. However, if they dont find that niche, they often suffer from a lack of support from the employment sector.

Having to read up about yourself, your traits, and who you are and hear that you are considered 'disabled' or disadvantaged, just because of your neurology, is a burden for some.

We are all different, and it becomes unfair that just because of a trait, there are management and therapy approaches needed.

However, its fair to say that some AS seem to need support or therapy, because the Syndrome itself plays tricks on them, and they do see things differently. Some have OCD and ADHD and this makes it hard to judge, take practical steps immediately, or be blase about life. If you add in sensory issues, there are steps that need to be taken to protect the AS person from undue stress or sensory overload.

Its worth the effort though. After 14 years with Ian, we are still getting there, and have many a hill to climb. There are days when I wonder why I bother. I use the networks of friends that are loyal and caring to us both. Family is another matter, they tend to stick to 'protocol' and still want me to adhere to a template of a partner who is a 'quiet man, good career, grey suit'.

This relationship will break the mould, so learn as you go. No usual comparisons apply. You will have to be strong for him, no doubt. But the interesting fellow you have as your partner, will make up for that. Make sure you understand his traits because if he is one for isolating himself, or for meltdowns, you will need to be clear as to how you stand when those occur, and what management you put in place. Make sure you have time together, that he acknowledges your place in the universe, and that if he gets meltdowns that you are not scared, but that he goes quietly somewhere to expend that energy, and that you work through any frustrations together.

Reading up on AS helps - the complete Asperger by Tony Attwood helps both NT and AS, and you will find much interesting info in the archives here on Aspires.

Welcome aboard

Judy B, Scotland

Subject: New To ThisTo: aspires-relationships Date: Tuesday, 3 January, 2012, 3:41

Hi all, I am a new member. I am engaged to the man of my dreams who was diagnosed with Aspergers before we started dating. We have our ups and downs like any relationship. It's been great so far. I was a little scared for the relationship when I first found out he has AS but since then I've done a lot of research and found a lot of helpful information. His AS is "mild." I cannot seem to find any information on how to make an AS-NT marriage work. Everything I have found as been a bit discouraging. I am looking for some hope in this group. Thanks!Cat