Re: was: Complete turn-around in relationship [First post] Negotiation skills

[Guest guest]

Ian and I had some real humdingers until we learnt to speak to each other as though we were polite ns.

Before Realisation

He: The rubbish needs taking out, why havent you done it.

Me: (Involved in doing something else) I always do it, you do it.

He: So? What is your point?

After Realisation

He: The rubbish needs taking out.You and I know that I have AS sensory processing issues, I dont like touching the rubbish, the smell upsets me, so I dont/cant do it, ever. I will help you carry it to the bin outside if you bag it up double and tie it tightly.

Me: I understand that, I am ok with the smelly bin etc. I would like to ask, are there other chores you would like to help me with?

He: No

Me: No, as in you dont like to?

He: Yes (fear of not doing a good job, not knowing whats what, and anyway I have been doing all the chores for ages and he has just let me.... so why change now....)

Me: I would really like it if you helped me a little; I am not the wee housewifey, you know. We are two people living here and it is fair we share the cleaning etc. What would you prefer to do out of the list of chores? Hoovering? Do you like doing that?

He: Yes (a machine, simple to use, and understands the logic and methodology)

Me: May I ask if you would hoover the whole house once a week, or whenever it is needed in between? I actually hate hoovering.

He: You may ask, and I didnt know you hated it. .

Me: May I ask that you do this for me?

He: Yes I will do that 'for you'. You will have to show me where the bags are and how to operate the machine. (Machine has to be left in same place. Bags are bought by me, left in the same place, and have to be changed by me)

Me: Yes, I will do that, show you how it works - is now convenient? (Hit whilst the iron, er hoover, is hot)

And so it goes.

Replace 'rubbish' for shopping (noisy supermarkets etc) and cooking (smells and cleaning gunk).

He gets to hoover, occasionally to clean out the gutters, carry any heavy stuff and change the lightbulbs.

Hardly a tradeoff for my doing the decorating, DIY, shopping, car maintenance, gardening, cooking, mending, and being the navigator/negotiator during long journeys.... which you will have heard me expound on before now. But it is progress - ten years ago he did nothing but stand and watch and offer 'critique'. Ah, I dont miss those days....

Judy B,

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Tuesday, 10 April 2012, 14:23Subject: Re: Re: Complete turn-around in relationship [First post]Helen, Deb, and all, Sorry I'm so late with this response, but I can now see another angle on this thread that perhaps we've been missing:We've been focussing on

blaming miscommunication, lack of understanding, and different thought processes for our relationship difficulties, and assuming that if only those could be overcome, all our problems would magically melt away, leaving us with only an idyllic love scenario. Nice thought, yes, and no doubt those obstacles are real, but what about specific areas where partners simply *don't want* to cooperate and do what the other is asking. It's unlikely anyone will find a partner willing to do everything they ask, and it's not unreasonable. even in a good relationship, for the answer to some requests to be "no".Q: Will you do the washing up tonight? A: No!Q: Will you fix the hole in my trousers pocket for me tonight? A: No!Q: Come and watch XYZ on TV with me tonight? A: No!Of course if the answer to

every request is repeatedly no, no, no, that becomes a problem, but no two people are alike and we can't always expect instant cooperation on every request we make. Even the best of relationships needs to be able to handle some agreeing to differ and some refusals to do what's asked.Indeed I'll go so far as to suggest that a good measure of the strength of any partnership is how well it's able to handle such differences and refusals without generating ill-feeling.I could be wrong, but I just felt an unrealistic suggestion was creeping into this thread that if one partner has certain wishes and desires, then it's necessarily the other partner's duty to do their best to cooperate and say yes to all of them, whatever.But I must temper what I'm saying by adding that when partners refuse or disagree about something, then they still owe each other an

understandable explanation why. --- Re: Complete turn-around in relationship [First post]Date: Fri, 30 Mar 2012 19:39:45 -0000To: aspires-relationships >> >> I second your point. I can get very frustrated when I reason through things and act on best intentions only for things to turn to mush. Particularly when I don't understand why.Hi

Steve,This is exactly how the other partner often feels too! You really can't under estimate the impact that this kind of miscommunication has. If everything they tried over the years to have a better communication and intimacy fails, if they feel they are never really listened to unless it suits their partner because their partner wants something, it becomes very damaging to their self esteem.Since the problems sometimes only seem to manifest themselves in the home and no one else seems to have a problem with their partner (because the partner has really compartmentalized his private and work life) they start to doubt their own sanity and think they are the ones with the problem (hence the unofficial "CADD" label.)They start to think, "If the most significant person in my life doesn't hear me, maybe I'm the one who is off base, and I what I want or need doesn't matter .. I don't matter

...."Over time, this low self perception spills out into their interactions with just about everyone else they come into contact with, so it may be damaging to them socially and professionally as well. They may become people pleasers, never expecting anything in return, because that's how they perceive themselves now, they have value only if what they do makes others happy with them. They will continue to do this until they are sucked dry.Though some may believe they are acting in their partner's "best interest" if they are just doing what *they* feel is right and not specifically what their partner asked, it will just make the partner feel disregarded again. They should be honest at the outset and say (without anger) "I'm sorry, I don't know what you want, please help me to figure this out" and be prepared to really *listen* and make a *sustained effort* to meet those needs. Unfortunately,

trying to do this retroactively after so many lost years may be like closing the barn doors after the horses got out.- Helen------------------------------------ "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.We all contribute to the song of life." ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission. When in

doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com