Re: Article: Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30?

[Guest guest]

A very good article. However, I have found it was easier for me to make friends

after I was 30 years old than before I was 30. And now since I don't let a

label like Aspergers limit me, basically people have no clue I am AS unless I

tell them (or someone has been trained to spot that in me).

>

> ... some perspective for both AS and NS. Sometimes older spectrum folks,

especially, may feel that their autism is an additional barrier to friendships.

It's not just spectrum people who experience this, and this piece offers some

reasons why.

> - Helen

>

> Friends of a Certain Age

> Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30?

> By ALEX WILLIAMS

> Published: July 13, 2012 The New York Times

>

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-\

adult.html?pagewanted=all

>

[Guest guest]

Hi CJ,

You may (or may not) like this opinion piece too. Kind of tangential but then it

gets to the point. This one is about the state of employment in journalism (a

friend in the media sent it to me) and what it means to be an older experienced

job seeker in this field. I felt that it is true in many fields of employment.

The coy deceits of struggling journalists

Unlike , fellow " grayhairs " have some secrets to keep

By Miner

http://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/older-journalists-are-building-better-resum\

es/Content?oid=6920936

Unlike the previous article I posted, most of the comments that follow this one

are not particularly illuminating (seems to be infested with trolls) so don't

waste your time reading too many of them LOL.

The only solution seems to be to create your own employment and create your own

market. This, unfortunately, is a bigger challenge for some on the spectrum who

don't market themselves well, as Liz alludes to in her post .. although Liz is

getting by admirably despite the constant drain of her ex's legal tactics.

But, back to your response, yes, so, so true.

- Helen

> > ... some perspective for both AS and NS. Sometimes older spectrum folks,

especially, may feel that their autism is an additional barrier to friendships.

It's not just spectrum people who experience this, and this piece offers some

reasons why.

> > - Helen

> >

>

>

> I really liked the article, Helen. Good catch. The comments were very

> good too.

>

> It definitely mirrors my experience. Since I don't have kids, my major

> shifts in social circles occurred when I married and when I became a

> homeowner.

>

> Incorporating single friends into a married lifestyle is not always

> easy, as priorities change. Same with homeownership.

>

> There is also the additional tensions associated with friends who (for

> whatever reason) are not able to achieve these milestones. Sometimes

> this can result in envy and the inevitable drifting apart that takes

> place when people compare their 'success' to that of others.

>

> Thanks for a keeper,

> ~CJ

>

[Guest guest]

> Hi CJ,

> You may (or may not) like this opinion piece too. Kind of tangential but then

it gets to the point. This one is about the state of employment in journalism (a

friend in the media sent it to me) and what it means to be an older experienced

job seeker in this field. I felt that it is true in many fields of employment.

I thought the advice was spot-on, Helen. Like it or not, employers

often have the perception that 40+ folks are out-of-touch, slower to

learn new technologies, have less energy to offer to the job, and are

harder to manage.

I think there is some truth to these beliefs, especially the last two.

Older folks may place higher priority on work/life balance, and are no

longer willing to endure sweatshop hours at the expense of their

families and their own sanity. Also, their life experience may give

them the confidence to speak up for themselves and assert their

boundaries, something that is not good news for those employers who

prefer that their people do as they are told, no questions asked. Youth

are far more easily exploited, as they haven't yet learned how sausage

is made in the corporate world, a world where talent is largely

disposable and only a few people get to share in the pie.

Speaking strictly dollars and cents, 40+ folks with lots of job

experience may also be simply too expensive, and may not understand that

not every position requires such lengthy experience. Why pay for more

experience than is necessary, especially now that employers are no

longer making a long-term investment in the people they hire?

When viewed through an employer's perspective, there is much to be said

for hiring young, cheap, and compliant.

However, many of us 40+ people will still need to bring in a paycheck.

That means we must manage our image (our " brand " ) and demonstrate our

value, even if we create our own jobs as independent consultants to a

particular industry. At least if we expect to earn a living wage, and

not just a few dollars here and there.

I think that for most professional positions in a youth-dominated

market, it is very wise for 40+ job seekers to do whatever they can to

project as youthful an appearance as possible. While much of this will

be communicated in the energy level and industry currency they project,

their physical appearance will count for a lot too. Slender people have

a huge advantage (as a slim body conveys youth), as does the willingness

to dress in a manner that blends in with the current norms for one's

industry. Willingness to cover the gray can also help to rewind the

clock and maintain a more youthful and fresh appearance.

While these superficial attributes may not be important in themselves,

they project the willingness and ability to remain current and

competitive in a marketplace that is constantly changing. Like it or

not, very few people in the private sector want to hire or do business

with someone clad in a dowdy 20 year old outfit and a shoddy haircut,

who doesn't appear to have the energy to climb a flight of stairs

without huffing and puffing.

I think there is more flexibility in academia and government jobs, where

the focus is not so market-dependent. The private sector is a

completely different animal though. [i'm sure there are some exceptions

made for individuals with very rare talents, yet those situations don't

apply to most of us.]

We can lament all day about how unfair the situation is and how society

is preoccupied with youth. However, that will not help any of us to

succeed in our careers, and is only likely to lead to the sort of

bitterness that further drains precious energies that are needed for

other things (like earning a living).

I found the reference in the article to be misleading.

It's easy for to make these assertions now that he's reached the

pinnacle of his career. I'm willing to bet that if was still

coming up through the ranks, he would exploit every resource available

to him (including covering the gray) to ensure that he remained

competitive within the herd of hungry young journalists.

Now that he's broken through the pack and become a superstar in his own

right, his gray hair has become a part of his " brand " . He serves as an

exception to which no one should compare their own situation. is

one of those extremely talented journalists for whom gray hair is not a

liability, as it is balanced by industry currency, high energy, and the

slim physique of a young man. In short, he vibes as a powerful force to

be reckoned with, not to mention a 'hottie' (for both sexes).

Thanks, Helen. Definitely a useful article, as were the job links

embedded within.

Best,

~CJ