... AW: Newbie - depression

February 7, 2008

Dear Giovanna,

> It is because I work in the mental health field and I am a Masters level

therapist and so from my education

> and work experience deduced that my experience is depression.

> I have sadness, low moods, irritability, anger, etc.

STOP.

Is that true? Where are you sad, in this moment? Where do you feel it?

You have a live full of depression. You were depressed in the passed and you

might be depressed in the future.

Can you just be happy, now?

And if you are, can you absolutely know the sadness will come again? The anger,

the low moods?

And if not...

You have depression. Is that true?

Can " depression " heal? Did it happen, just once? Could that happen to you?

If so...

You were depressed. Is that true?

Doesn't depression have to do with a reocurring feeling, thought, something?

Doesn't it have to come over and over in the past and in the future? When I am

sad now and was sad yesterday and will be sad tomorrow... is that depression?

How many times may I be sad before it is a depression?

> and from my " knowledge " , this is consistent with depression.

> One of the " tendencies " for being in my field is that you do know all the

diagnoses and find yourself identifying

> with one or more from time to time. LOL. I hear this happens with nurses

also.

Good find.

And what level of sadness do you have to experience, before it is a depression?

Your call.

Actually, we always identify with our diagnoses. But being in your field brings

a greater variety of diagnoses.

Who were you, now, if you did not know anything about depressions?

How would that feel? How would you live your life?

> So everytime I experienced this " mood " my story was that I am depressed and

anxious. And of course this

> made me feel like I am a professional and

> 1. Should not be depressed and if I am, should heal myself.

> 2. I cannot admit it to myself and what if my friends knew?

Exactly.

So these may be reasons for manipulating the outcome of your investigation. Once

you know, you can stop.

> So that's why I said I can now say those things and own those feelings without

the corresponding shame,

> guilt, anger, self judgment and criticism.

> In the moment, I cannot know absolutely that what I am experiencing is

depression. NO.

that's... admirable!

Isn't it *wonderful* not to know?

Love,

wrote:

Dear Giovanna,

wow, that's a big step!

So, now...

In the moment that your mood IS great: how do you know that you have a

depression?

And in the moment that your mood is not so great: how do you know that you have

a depression?

Other than your story in the past four years?

Is it because that's what the doctors tell you? Because of what your friends

tell you? Because of what you memory tells you?

And as far as you are concerned, in the moment: can you absolutely know that it

is true?

Love,

----- UrsprÃ¼ngliche Mail ----

Von: Giovanna Burgess

An: Loving-what-is

Gesendet: Mittwoch, den 6. Februar 2008, 18:51:05 Uhr

Betreff: Re: AW: AW: AW: AW: Newbie

Technically, nothing. But day to day, my emotions and moods can be great and

then not so great. I think I may have some hormonal imbalances also and am

scheduling an appt with my doctor now so that may shed some light as well,

but...I do know that lots of issues ahve surfaced during this four year ordeal

that needed attention and would not have gotten attention from me without

something drastic. That's my thought anyway. So what's keeping me, my negative

thoughts of worthlessness, not being important, inadequacy, fear of rejection

and abandonment, depressed moods, anxiety, fears, self criticism and judgment,

jealousy of others, etc. I can finally write all this without shame or the need

to explain, justify, defend or rationalize. Smile.

wrote: Good.

So, what is separating you from that place?

What is missing, needed or not well?

Anything?

Love,

----- UrsprÃ¼ngliche Mail ----

Von: Giovanna Burgess

An: Loving-what-is

Gesendet: Mittwoch, den 6. Februar 2008, 17:01:03 Uhr

Betreff: Re: AW: AW: AW: Newbie

, If I were fully enjoying this moment, there is only joy. Only love,

only peace. Nothing is missing, nothing is needed, and all is well.

wrote: Dear Giovanna,

sounds like you have an idea of where you want to get. That you should not be

who you are in this moment.

You are keeping yourself from experiencing the awareness that you are, that's

right.

If you were fully enjoying this moment, what would that feel like? Would it go

away in a moment? Would it have not existed before?

Who knows.

Love,

----- UrsprÃ¼ngliche Mail ----

Von: Giovanna Burgess

An: Loving-what-is

Gesendet: Dienstag, den 5. Februar 2008, 18:08:07 Uhr

Betreff: Re: AW: AW: Newbie

,

I am not Italian by the way. My mother just loved the name. : )

The question who would I be without my story is a good one and I feel i would be

free to really address some lifelong issues and heal and enjoy the moment. So

what's stopping me from enjoying the moment anyway, right? Me. All that makes

sense, it's just how do i believe it and make it a part of my life? It's sad to

know what to do but not quite HOW to do it or BE it.

wrote:

Dear Giovanna,

> I have continued reading the book and want to thank all who responded to my

post. I already had toyed with the

> question: am i really depressed? what is depression and how do I really know I

am depressed

With me that has to do with the future or the past. It's always been like this,

and I'll never change. The question I like most is: who would I be without my

story, reborn in every moment?

> but I have yet to

> do the inquiry. I did ask myself why I choose to suffer and took a notepad and

wrote two full pages.

> found that a part of me gets depressed when I am not truthful to myself and do

not stand up for myself.

Sometimes I think that it's other people's business to cheer me up!

> Also I seek to lease others often denying my own needs and desires.

Hm... does that work?

I do that when I think I want something from them. My being nice is not honest.

I try to manipulate and get angry if it doesn't work to get what I think I want.

> A part of me is angry and feels it needs to

> take over and stand up for me and since it seems to be much younger, usually

does this by being angry and

> irritable and self critical.

> So I am new to the work and have been watching Byron on you tube which

helps

> a lot to understand it better. I love her manner. So I'll keep you all posted

with my progress.

> Thanks.

Thank you.

Love,

wrote: Dear Giovanna,

(you sound italian, do you do the work in your mother tongue?)

welcome to the group.

> I am new and in the process of reading the book now. I understand we

> are supposed to " should " do the process on others first, but my major

> problem is depression and I have been in it off and on for 4 years so

> it makes sense that I wanna start there.

Sure. Start wherever you're at.

Eventually you do the work on yourself and find that Giovanna is the neighbour

you have been looking for.

> I already know it's a

> perception and I know there's no one to blame, although I do blame God

> time to time.

That's a start!

So your neighbour is God.

From time to time.

What do you need from him?

> So I know it's all me and all in me. I just don't know

> why none of the other methods I have tried in the past have worked for

> me and there have been many.

Well, everyone has his path.

Welcome to yours.

> This is the latest. Anyone with any

> success healing depression, depressive thoughts?

what is " depression " ? According to you. How do you know you are depressed?

Love,

__________________________________ Ihre erste Baustelle? Wissenswertes fÃ¼r

Bastler und Hobby Handwerker. www.yahoo.de/clever

February 7, 2008

Love you questions! Smile

OK...

No, in the moment I cannot know depression unless I am depressed in the

moment. Then I can identify what i feel as depression...or something else.

Maybe sadness, maybe self doubt, anguish, grief, sorrow. I aim to be happy now,

but when those moods hit, it takes everything in me to just function that day.

I have noticed the moods are shorter now than they used to be. Something

interesting you said: Can depression heal? And could it happen and happen to me?

I have always thought people are capable of healing darn near everything until

it happened to me and everytime I thought I was better, it always returned.

But..I thought about it and even if it goes away once, is that healing it? I do

not know. what I do know is that I am choosing to own my feelings, my moods and

my depressive thoughts. As I stated, I had so much shame cause of my profession

and also cause I ahve been playing such an emotionally and spiritually dangerous

game of hiding and denying who and what I

am. Always to please others or just to hide the " truth " from them of who I

was. So depression for me was the worst. How could they know? If they know,

they know I am a fake. I been hiding all this time and I am afraid of what I

am. At this point, I accept that I have experienced depression and that I

sometimes have depressed moods and anxiety. So what? To prove it to myself, I

admitted it to three people. One person also admitted she gets depressed and

the others said nothing. Something else I am learning is that Loving What Is

and acceptance of reality, the truth really can set you free. I have been lying

to myself and lying to others. In the sense of pretending my life was okay when

deep down I felt it wasn't. I didn't say it wasn't. I felt it wasn't. The

truth for me right at this moment is that I ahve admitted to myself and three

others that I get depressed and I didn't die of embarrassment or shame. And

you're right, it's great to not know. Be glad when

I am there, here.

wrote:

Dear Giovanna,

> It is because I work in the mental health field and I am a Masters level

therapist and so from my education

> and work experience deduced that my experience is depression.

> I have sadness, low moods, irritability, anger, etc.

STOP.

Is that true? Where are you sad, in this moment? Where do you feel it?

You have a live full of depression. You were depressed in the passed and you

might be depressed in the future.

Can you just be happy, now?

And if you are, can you absolutely know the sadness will come again? The anger,

the low moods?

And if not...

You have depression. Is that true?

Can " depression " heal? Did it happen, just once? Could that happen to you?

If so...

You were depressed. Is that true?

Doesn't depression have to do with a reocurring feeling, thought, something?

Doesn't it have to come over and over in the past and in the future? When I am

sad now and was sad yesterday and will be sad tomorrow... is that depression?

How many times may I be sad before it is a depression?

> and from my " knowledge " , this is consistent with depression.

> One of the " tendencies " for being in my field is that you do know all the

diagnoses and find yourself identifying

> with one or more from time to time. LOL. I hear this happens with nurses also.

Good find.

And what level of sadness do you have to experience, before it is a depression?

Your call.

Actually, we always identify with our diagnoses. But being in your field brings

a greater variety of diagnoses.

Who were you, now, if you did not know anything about depressions?

How would that feel? How would you live your life?

> So everytime I experienced this " mood " my story was that I am depressed and

anxious. And of course this

> made me feel like I am a professional and

> 1. Should not be depressed and if I am, should heal myself.

> 2. I cannot admit it to myself and what if my friends knew?

Exactly.

So these may be reasons for manipulating the outcome of your investigation. Once

you know, you can stop.

> So that's why I said I can now say those things and own those feelings without

the corresponding shame,

> guilt, anger, self judgment and criticism.

> In the moment, I cannot know absolutely that what I am experiencing is

depression. NO.

that's... admirable!

Isn't it *wonderful* not to know?

Love,

wrote:

Dear Giovanna,

wow, that's a big step!

So, now...

In the moment that your mood IS great: how do you know that you have a

depression?

And in the moment that your mood is not so great: how do you know that you have

a depression?

Other than your story in the past four years?

Is it because that's what the doctors tell you? Because of what your friends

tell you? Because of what you memory tells you?

And as far as you are concerned, in the moment: can you absolutely know that it

is true?

Love,

----- Ursprüngliche Mail ----