If you had known sooner, would you have left?

[Guest guest]

For me, knowing or not knowing (and to date he is undx'd) made no difference in

the timing of my leaving (which I did after 19 years of marriage).

Understanding the possibility/probability of AS did put me through a cycle of

Aha! and hopefulness, then eventually grief and acceptance (or perhaps the

latter was resignation to what I needed to do), but I must stress, NOT simply

because of AS... I will say what has been said so often, AS manifests

differently with every AS person. Actually, I know an AS man I'd marry in a

minute.

With him it is because the way he chooses to exercise his limited psychological

energy (which I do attribute to AS)) on his work and because he has emotional

deficits that cannot be blamed on AS. And timing wouldn't have changed

anything, because once our daughter was born I could not and would not have

subjected her to have to go visit with him, until she was old enough to make up

her mind if she wanted to... and because it costs so much more to support two

households than one, we were able to give her a better life in terms of

extracurricular activities to keep her busy (in her case it was horses, which I

could not have afforded on my own back then as I do now.) And as she pointed

out, with us all living in the same house, at least she got to see her Dad every

day, whereas since 2010 he has called her I think ten or 15 times but it's too

often because he wants or needs something (like his car back, or to find out

where I am when he can't reach me) and she realizes he has no ability to parent

her, and she is still of an age that she wants/needs parenting.

Regrets? None. To me there is no point in regret, and we have a beautiful

child together.

And I think we all find a way to make whatever decision we need to make in the

interim, work, until we are ready for the next decision : ).

If you had known sooner, would you have left?

 

Just wondering, for those of you NTs out there who are in long-term

relationships and marriages with Asperger's partners. If you had known sooner,

would you have left? Do you regret your relationship now that you look back?

[Guest guest]

I'm not NT, but I was married to a fellow Aspie.

While I am divorcing him, and would have done so before we had kids had I known

about his double life, the fact that he's Aspie has very little to do with the

reasons our marriage blew up.

It did make things harder, as his rigidity meant he wasn't able to interpret

laws and guidelines ... but the AS only made things worse, it didn't cause the

trouble.

--Liz

> Just wondering, for those of you NTs out there who are in long-term

relationships and marriages with Asperger's partners. If you had known sooner,

would you have left? Do you regret your relationship now that you look back?

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

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like a symphony.

> Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony

> It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.

> We all contribute to the song of life. "

> ...Sondra

>

> We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.

>

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[Guest guest]

Great post, . It really highlights why these questions cannot be

answered in any meaningful way based on the AS issue alone. The answer

really is person-specific.

That being said, we all have painful life experiences associated with

certain labels. While it may not be 'fair' to have a kneejerk reaction

to the label based on those experiences, humans are emotional creatures

and their feelings often trump what is rational. They may not realize

this on a conscious level and vigorously deny it, yet their behavior

speaks their truth. That is why prejudice (and we all have some) are so

difficult to overcome.

Personally, knowing that I don't usually communicate well with AS men, I

probably would be tempted to not even open the door to a possible

relationship with an Aspie man. However, if he doesn't wear his AS

label like a badge of honor and identity during the time while we are

getting to know each other, it will be much easier for me to see him as

an individual.

Besides, I firmly believe that disclosure of anything very personal

should be commensurate with the depth of the relationship. If someone

dumps their entire life history on me early in our acquaintance, that's

a warning sign to me that the person may be gullible, indiscreet,

desperate, and require me to be their social 'guide' through life. To

me, these are not attractive attributes in a partner as I'm not looking

for a man to 'mother' -- I want a reasonably equal partner in life.

Best,

~CJ

> For me, knowing or not knowing (and to date he is undx'd) made no difference

in the timing of my leaving (which I did after 19 years of marriage).

Understanding the possibility/probability of AS did put me through a cycle of

Aha! and hopefulness, then eventually grief and acceptance (or perhaps the

latter was resignation to what I needed to do), but I must stress, NOT simply

because of AS... I will say what has been said so often, AS manifests

differently with every AS person. Actually, I know an AS man I'd marry in a

minute.

>

> With him it is because the way he chooses to exercise his limited

psychological energy (which I do attribute to AS)) on his work and because he

has emotional deficits that cannot be blamed on AS. And timing wouldn't have

changed anything, because once our daughter was born I could not and would not

have subjected her to have to go visit with him, until she was old enough to

make up her mind if she wanted to... and because it costs so much more to

support two households than one, we were able to give her a better life in terms

of extracurricular activities to keep her busy (in her case it was horses, which

I could not have afforded on my own back then as I do now.) And as she pointed

out, with us all living in the same house, at least she got to see her Dad every

day, whereas since 2010 he has called her I think ten or 15 times but it's too

often because he wants or needs something (like his car back, or to find out

where I am when he can't reach me) and she realizes he has no ability to parent

her, and she is still of an age that she wants/needs parenting.

>

> Regrets? None. To me there is no point in regret, and we have a beautiful

child together.

>

> And I think we all find a way to make whatever decision we need to make in the

interim, work, until we are ready for the next decision : ).

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I regret not knowing sooner. We were married 24 years before he was diagnosed so the past 8 years have been spent repairing the damage done to both of us by the emotional abuse we were heaping on each other daily, mostly without even knowing we were doing so. Whether I was to leave the marriage had little to do with his diagnosis and more to do with how good/bad I was feeling in the relationship at any given time. In general I have felt much better since we knew what we were dealing with and were able to find some tools to help us to communicate more effectively. The most important thing I realized once was diagnosed was that the things he was doing that hurt me were not done out of malice. That fact alone changed the entire dynamic of our marriage. I no longer thought he was being mean to me one minute and nice the next, and I no longer doubted my sanity or the fact that he truly loved me and in his own way was trying very hard to show me and to make our marriage work. But relationships are never simple so I can’t really say that my life might not have been better/happier if I had left our marriage early on. But I don’t think anyone can ever answer that question because we only have information about the life we have lived, not the one we didn’t or have yet to. I know that our marriage has taken both a physical and emotional toll on me but those are not ’s fault, in fact they are because I came into the relationship with my own issues that unfortunately were exacerbated by being in a high maintenance relationship. If I had not had low self esteem in the first place I would not have doubted my own sanity nor would I have continued to communicate in ineffective ways for as long as I did. And I would have sought help before I crashed to the bottom of the mental health well. So I truly believe that leaving my marriage would not have solved any of my problems, but staying caused me to have to deal with them. If I had left my own issues would have followed me and I would have been less likely to get the help I needed for myself. I don’t think our marriage issues are about NT/AS they are the same issues as every marriage can encounter just amplified. But my experience has been that as much as the “problems” may have been amplified, so too has the joy and love I have experienced. I put it this way: because is so hyper focused when he turns his attention towards me it is intoxicating and like nothing I believe I could experience with an NT man. The flip side of course is that when he looks away I cease to exist in his consciousness. That second part was the difficult part until I understood why it was happening. The man I married and the man I am now married to are so dissimilar that I could never have foreseen the man he would become. I too have change in ways I could never have foreseen. Unfortunately we don’t have crystal balls and we can’t see into the future so all you have to guide you is the past and the present. I would say that you need to work on yourself first. Then develop the best possible support system you can because the better it is the better your chances of making your marriage work. Then I would have you ask the hard questions:1) What can’t you live without from your marriage partner and can he give them to you?2) Are there things at present that he needs from you that you cannot see yourself giving for a lifetime?3) Have you seen growth or improvement in his ability to cope, function, communicate, relate to you, etc.?4) Have you grown, are you a better person for having this relationship, are you learning how to communicate better and to ask for what you need, etc.? Sorry to tell you this but the question you are seeking the answer to can only be answered by you. Only you know how strong you are, what you need, want, can live with, and without in your relationships. And there is no way of telling if your husband can fulfill your minimum requirements of if in some reasonable amount of time he could be able to. Wishing you peace and joy,Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of theunspecialSent: April-17-12 1:44 PMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: If you had known sooner, would you have left? Just wondering, for those of you NTs out there who are in long-term relationships and marriages with Asperger's partners. If you had known sooner, would you have left? Do you regret your relationship now that you look back?

[Guest guest]

Deb:

Much of what you write was also true of Larry and me, but no two with AS are

alike and a zillion factors are involved in " any " relationship. We were just a

bad match for a long term relationship. Opposites attract but some say, " same "

works better for long term. I am not sure if that is true, but it was true for

us. We did not have enough shared interests to sustain us long term and then the

marriage got really toxic. The divorce was mutually agreed upon as we had both

had enough and realized the toll it was taking on the kids. It was time to end

it and move on.

Just me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

, I find it interesting that you would not do " this " again because you

are a social butterfly. I would describe myself that way too, and although I

did curb my social engagement in the early years of my marriage in a strange

way was attracted to me because I was so social and he really enjoyed

watching me be social. He sort of lived vicariously through me and still

does to a lesser degree. Plus all of that watching really helped him

navigate the social world to the extent that most people now have no idea

that he has anything close to Asperger's .

[Guest guest]

> If we'd known sooner it MIGHT have made a difference in knowing what

> he could deal with and what he couldn't, and when my expectations were

> unreasonable. We may have been able to work out a way to communicate

> honestly.

I often think that too about my own marriage, .

Both my NT bipolar codependent husband and I (AS & OCD) were completely

ignorant about our respective conditions back in those days prior to

diagnosis. Our attitudes and behavior toward each other during our 20

year marriage were shaped by our upbringing, our conditions, and the

lens through which we viewed the other. Many (incorrect) assumptions

were made, resulting in the festering resentment, anger, and bitterness

that eventually poisoned the marriage beyond repair.

Had we both been more informed, I think the outcome might have been very

different. It certainly couldn't have been worse.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

> Regarding vows, yes of course they are important promises that are not to be

taken lightly, but to stay married to someone ONLY because of this promise may

not be wise for many for many different reasons. I have strong feelings

personally about staying in a marriage only because you made that

commitment....yes, my parents did because they did not believe in divorce, but

to put an entire family through years of misery only because of a vow makes no

sense to me, and I am somewhat religious. My belief is God realizes we are

human, we make mistakes, but He also gives us a brain and common sense to leave

when we need to and to forgive and learn from our mistakes. While I admire the

responsible response of staying together because of vows, if that is the only

reason someone is staying married to me, I would rather be alone. I believe

most marriages are more complex than this.

Excellent post, and very well-reasoned.

Personally, I think staying together only for the sake of a vow is

little more than clinging to a promise made for promise's sake. That's

hollow and empty, not meaningful.

Why not instead respect and honor each other by setting yourselves free

to start new and (hopefully) fulfilling lives.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

Hello ,

In fact, yes, the promise counts for something in my original message.

Personally I am not married so there are no " vows " to speak of, and this is

where my question comes in. For those who did make such a promise, for those who

are now married and have deeply intertwined lives with their AS partners, I'm

sure breaking that promise is more difficult than for those who, like my partner

and myself, are not married and do not have children.

So yes, this is why I spoke of " if you had known sooner " : because it's one thing

to understand the situation you're facing when you are only starting the

relationship, and to understand it much later, when vows have been spoken.

Similarly, it's one thing to break up with an " unofficial " boyfriend of 6

months, 1 year, 2 years, than it is to divorce the spouse you married.

I am only in my late twenties and yes, vows mean a lot to me, which is why I

haven't thrown myself in a marriage yet. It may happen late in my life, but when

it happens, I will be sure of my intentions and have a better idea of my

capacities.

M.

>

> I've only been giving cursory quick-scan attention to this particular

> thread, but one thing which strikes me as odd is that nobody has so far

> mentioned marriage vows.

>

> Now I'm not a religious type and I don't believe in following any kind

> of dogma, but doesn't the fact that a couple have promised to " have and

> to hold each other until death do they part " bear any weight in this

> issue these days?

>

> All the talk about choosing whether to leave or stay together seems to

> be based purely on selfish pragmatic considerations. Doesn't breaking

> one's promise come in to it all? I know it used to in times gone by.

> Perhaps I'm old-fashioned, but a promise is a binding agreement, and

> in my book, people shouldn't make promises if there's any doubt about

> whether they're going to be able stick to them. Life would generally be

> a lot simpler if that held true, at any rate.

>

> In my own case, my first marriage quickly went downhill after my NT

> wife had my unwanted child. We weren't happy but I still felt I had an

> obligation to stick with it because that's what we'd promised. In the

> end my wife filed for divorce and I was given no choice in the matter,

> but I still felt bad about being forced to break my promise.

>

>

> (diagnosed AS 29 yrs later)

>