Re: resentful of my own child

[Guest guest]

Hi Laytouch,

Thank you for sharing this - I just love seeing the honesty that comes

through with inquiries - admitting how we really feel.

So my feedback is to fill in a JYN worksheet about your son - there's

a lot you mention here.

The other part I try to watch out for with my own work is where I am

going into stories rather than answering the questions directly.

And on the turnarounds, how about just sticking with the original

statement turnarounds and finding examples of them, so:

He shouldn't be respectful and obedient

(Why is it better for you and for him that he isn't?)

I should be respectful and obedient

(Not necessarily with your son, with anything)

He should be (positive opposite of respectful - challenging?) and

(opposite of obedient - free-willed?)

(Why is this better for you and him?)

I hope this helps,

Jon

[Guest guest]

No question that raising children is just about the hardest job there is. Very

frustrating.

Based on my experience I would suggest that you be truthful with your son and

explain during a calm time when he isn't misbehaving, why you have set up rules

and why you are being consistent with them. Perhaps you can examine some of the

rules with him and drop one or two that aren;t important. This might make him

feel involved in the decision making process.

When our son started to act out as a teenager I sat him down. I explained that I

wasn't willing to go thru years of him rolling his eyes and acting as if we were

stupid. I told him it was just the three of us and we love each other and need

to be more respectful towards each other.

I told him that I knew he felt that we were treating him like a baby, which he

still was in a way to us, while he on the other hand felt all grown up. I

promised to try to treat him more as a grownup if he'd treat us better as well.

It worked wonders for us, probably because he was basically a good kid.

The key was talking calmly and not during one of his bad behaviors times.

Hope this helps a bit.

Vivian

resentful of my own child

My 16 year old son is rebelling and I'm very resentful. He lies,

cons, manipulates. He throws a fit if I don't jump at his requests,

throws a fit if I impose established consequences to broken rules, he

resists following through with his chores. He's disrespectful and

demanding... Yada yada yada. I hear myself saying: This is not

acceptable behavior. My belief is that he should respectful and

obedient.

Is this true? Sheesh... what planet am I on?

Is this absolutely true? A bit of history: When he was younger I

was rarely consistent with rules and consequences, always caving into

those big blue doe eyes he'd throw at me and these behaviors worked

for him, and left him feeling insecure and unsure. Now that I'm

working harder at being consistent of COURSE he's going to resist.

Why would I think that he'd just snap to it? I'm frustrated though

because I've been doing this for a few years now and its still going

on.

How do I react? I get angry and resentful and am bitchy, nagging,

and mean to him. I cannot enforce the consequences with love,

compassion or understanding. (ah ha! didn't realize how much I'm

pulling away from him).

Who would I be without that thought? This is the tough one for me.

Without that thought I wouldn't have expectations. Maybe I would be

able to respond rather than react? Maybe I'd have some other

expectations? I'm not sure.

Turn around:

*He's 16, its his time to rebell against my authority so he can find

his own autonomy.

*I should be respectful (and obedient?!) to him.

*I shouldn't impose consequences. (?)

*Its his job to make my life a living hell so that when its time for

him to leave the nest I'll be grateful.

Yikes! Still need to process this one some more.

Any feedback would be highly appreciated.

[Guest guest]

> No question that raising children is just about the hardest job

> there is. Very frustrating.

Is it?

Any task is frustrating if I have a different outcome in mind.

The thig with raising children is: we tend to believe we have some

control over THEIR life!

Funny, now that I think of it, considering how often we realize we

don't control our OWN lifes!

> Based on my experience I would suggest that you be truthful with

> your son and explain during a calm time when he isn't misbehaving,

> why you have set up rules and why you are being consistent with

> them. Perhaps you can examine some of the rules with him and drop

> one or two that aren;t important. This might make him feel involved

> in the decision making process.

Well, that could help... although I don't hink he cares.

Sounds like in this situation laytouch is so involved she needs a break?

If it's an option, tell him you love him with all of your heart and

that you need him to follow certain rules, and if he can't follow

them, you'd rather have him stay at another place.

> When our son started to act out as a teenager I sat him down. I

> explained that I wasn't willing to go thru years of him rolling his

> eyes and acting as if we were stupid. I told him it was just the

> three of us and we love each other and need to be more respectful

> towards each other.

>

> I told him that I knew he felt that we were treating him like a

> baby, which he still was in a way to us, while he on the other hand

> felt all grown up. I promised to try to treat him more as a grownup

> if he'd treat us better as well.

>

> It worked wonders for us, probably because he was basically a good

> kid.

>

> The key was talking calmly and not during one of his bad behaviors

> times.

>

> Hope this helps a bit.

>

> Vivian

Good thought.

>

>> From: laytouch

>> To: Loving-what-is

>> Sent: Saturday, January 12, 2008 9:28 AM

>> Subject: resentful of my own child

>>

>> My 16 year old son is rebelling and I'm very resentful. He lies,

>> cons, manipulates. He throws a fit if I don't jump at his requests,

>> throws a fit if I impose established consequences to broken rules,

>> he

>> resists following through with his chores. He's disrespectful and

>> demanding... Yada yada yada. I hear myself saying: This is not

>> acceptable behavior. My belief is that he should respectful and

>> obedient.

To whom? Are you? What is it you are teaching him?

>> Is this true? Sheesh... what planet am I on?

>>

>> Is this absolutely true? A bit of history: When he was younger I

>> was rarely consistent with rules and consequences, always caving

>> into

>> those big blue doe eyes he'd throw at me and these behaviors worked

>> for him, and left him feeling insecure and unsure.

Is that true?

>> Now that I'm

>> working harder at being consistent of COURSE he's going to resist.

>> Why would I think that he'd just snap to it? I'm frustrated though

>> because I've been doing this for a few years now and its still going

>> on.

So... what is your answer to your question?

>> How do I react? I get angry and resentful and am bitchy, nagging,

>> and mean to him. I cannot enforce the consequences with love,

>> compassion or understanding. (ah ha! didn't realize how much I'm

>> pulling away from him).

Isn't that what you demand from him?

>> Who would I be without that thought? This is the tough one for me.

>> Without that thought I wouldn't have expectations. Maybe I would be

>> able to respond rather than react? Maybe I'd have some other

>> expectations? I'm not sure.

Go to the place where the thought comes up. One of those where you get

angry and resentful and bitdhy, nagging and mean. And explore yourself

without your thought.

Like: you are having breakfast together and having fun, and all of a

sudden he behaves disrespectful. How is the situation to you with and

without the thought?

>> Turn around:

>>

>> *He's 16, its his time to rebell against my authority so he can find

>> his own autonomy.

Like: he SHOULD be disrespectful. Well, that's reality. What does that

teach you?

>> *I should be respectful (and obedient?!) to him.

are you?

Who else could you be respectful to? Who is the one you want HIM to be

respectful to? Can you find you have something common, sometimes? You

could share that with him in your way.

>> *I shouldn't impose consequences. (?)

that's a turnaround to... what?

>> *Its his job to make my life a living hell so that when its time for

>> him to leave the nest I'll be grateful.

Well, it's his job so that when you leave your thinking you can be

grateful. Get clear on this.

>> Yikes! Still need to process this one some more.

>>

>> Any feedback would be highly appreciated.

Be clearer on the formulation of your thought an on your turnaround.

Picture a situation where all of this happens and work with that.

Love,

>>

>

[Guest guest]

> *I should be respectful (and obedient?!) to him.

>

> *I shouldn't impose consequences. (?)

> Any feedback would be highly appreciated.

>

These two turnarounds felt right to me. To a child's perspective, I

imagine much of what an adult wants isn't what the child wants, but the

adult demands their wishes be followed, or else.

In that moment, the child wants what they want. As adults, we get to

make our choices, and we don't have an authority figure so prominent in

our life, living under the same roof.

Why is what you think is right necessarily right?

If you were living the life of your child, can you imagine you'd think

and do as he?

He should tell the truth. Is that true?

He should show you respect. Is that true?

He should ..... Is that true?

I have a job working with elderly and handicapped clients. I'm dealing

with some of the same issues, except my clients are older, some decades

older than me.

Some are so easy going, whatever we're doing is fine with them. But not

true of everyone. I do my best to see my attachments in all of it.

From where I stand, your child is beautifully and perfectly helping you

in a most divine way. And when you'd done 'the work' on it, you'll love

the gift you've been given. Go even deeper with 'the work' and perhaps

you'll realize (real eyes) it was a gift you gave yourself.