Re: Love means (occasionally) having to say you're sorry: study

[Guest guest]

LOL. I remember loving " Love Story " , but the concept of never having to say I'm

sorry only works if one party is dying : ).

Love means (occasionally) having to say you're

sorry: study

 

no argument from me

- Helen

Love means (occasionally) having to say you're sorry: study

By Misty , Postmedia News June 25, 2012 3:43 PM

http://www.canada.com/life/Love+means+occasionally+having+sorry+study/6837283/st\

ory.html

[Guest guest]

I certainly agree that relationships benefit from a simple apology! Can't argue with that. I do have a couple things I noticed in the article... and am feeling neurotic enough to have the need to say them.. LOL

""Those in less satisfied relationships are just not seeing the apologies as sincere expressions of remorse," said study author Karina Schumann, post-doctoral fellow in social psychology at Stanford University. "It suggests there might be a subset of individuals that don't benefit at all from apologies.""

Or it might mean that they have a less satisfied relationship BECAUSE the person gives fake apologies. This article writes like they've never met a person who apologizes insincerely. Doesn't mean apologies are not beneficial to that person, just means apolgies are not beneficial when coming from someone who is not sorry! When person persistently apologizes for something but continues to do that harmful action over and over... it loses any usefulness.

Also I think people in satisfied relationships are satisfied BECAUSE the other person is a decent human who treats them right. Therefore their apology would be automatically forgivable. Sometimes even if they don't ask because you know them well enough to know they would immediately be truely sorry if you brought up the offense.

It is interesting to see that most people walk around being hurtful and/or harmful to others without awareness.

Just my thoughts.

Jennie AS

Love means (occasionally) having to say you're sorry: studyBy Misty , Postmedia News June 25, 2012 3:43 PMhttp://www.canada.com/life/Love+means+occasionally+having+sorry+study/6837283/story.html

[Guest guest]

Jennie Unknown wrote:

[ snip ]

> Also I think people in satisfied relationships are satisfied BECAUSE the

> other person is a decent human who treats them right. Therefore their

> apology would be automatically forgivable. Sometimes even if they don't

> ask because you know them well enough to know they would immediately be

> truely sorry if you brought up the offense.

[ snip ]

That the biggest single part of how we turned-around our own

death-spiral AS/?? marriage. Made it into the *loving, it-works*

partnership that it is now.

Comes down to pre-existing _respect and trust_ *despite* the bad goings-on.

Without respect and trust, nothing works for long.

> Jennie AS

- Bill, ...AS

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

On 6/25/2012 3:36 PM, Jennie Unknown

wrote:

Or it might mean that they have a less satisfied relationship

BECAUSE the person gives fake apologies. This article writes

like they've never met a person who apologizes insincerely.

Doesn't mean apologies are not beneficial to that person, just

means apolgies are not beneficial when coming from someone who

is not sorry! When person persistently apologizes for something

but continues to do that harmful action over and over... it

loses any usefulness.

That doesn't mean that the apology is insincere though (although it

might be). Apologizing for a certain behavior, yet having the

ability to not repeat it ever again, are two distinctly different

critters. It all depends on what the offending behavior is, and

whether it's the result of a deeply entrenched habit or learning

disability.

For example, I have numerous social pragmatics impairments. The

most severe include my inability to determine when others have

stopped talking, resulting in my interrupting them before they are

done speaking. Another deficit is my vocal tone, where I tend to

drop my voice as I approach the end of a sentence, conveying the

impression that I am commanding rather than conversing. Men may be

able to get away with this behavior to some degree, yet the social

consequences are especially severe when one is female.

Over the years, as my self-awareness has increased, I have become

far better at minimizing my deficits so that I can have some form of

social life and a job. But that requires that I remain constantly

on stage, which makes being around other people thoroughly

exhausting. Yet if I relax even a tiny bit, I start interrupting

people and issuing unintentional commands that result in all sorts

of misunderstandings and consequences.

That's why I prefer my own company, as it's the only time that I can

get a break from the stage. For many years I used alcohol to

provide that badly needed escape, but these days I will need to make

do with my own company and the unconditional love of a cat or two.

All of this is a long-winded way of saying that my apologies are

sincere, yet I cannot promise that I won't re-offend you tomorrow.

Also I think people in satisfied relationships are satisfied

BECAUSE the other person is a decent human who treats them

right. Therefore their apology would be automatically

forgivable.

I see many shades of gray here, depending on the challenges of each

individual. But for the most part, I agree with you at a high

level.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

CJ said: All of this is a long-winded way of saying that my apologies are sincere, yet I cannot promise that I won't re-offend you tomorrow. Me: I liked this- this is how i used to be......now i dont apologise for offending. 40 AS offensive....often...sorry...deal with it.....ooops.... www.forensicvet.comThe information in this document is confidential and is intended solely for the addressee. Access to this document by anyone else is unauthorized. If you are not the intended recipient, any disclosure, copying, distribution or any action taken or omitted to be

taken in reliance on it, except for the purpose of delivery to the addressee, is prohibited and may be unlawful. This document and the content remains the intellectual property of To: aspires-relationships Sent: Tuesday, 26 June 2012, 2:37 Subject: Re: Love means (occasionally)

having to say you're sorry: study

On 6/25/2012 3:36 PM, Jennie Unknown

wrote:

Or it might mean that they have a less satisfied relationship

BECAUSE the person gives fake apologies. This article writes

like they've never met a person who apologizes insincerely.

Doesn't mean apologies are not beneficial to that person, just

means apolgies are not beneficial when coming from someone who

is not sorry! When person persistently apologizes for something

but continues to do that harmful action over and over... it

loses any usefulness.

That doesn't mean that the apology is insincere though (although it

might be). Apologizing for a certain behavior, yet having the

ability to not repeat it ever again, are two distinctly different

critters. It all depends on what the offending behavior is, and

whether it's the result of a deeply entrenched habit or learning

disability.

For example, I have numerous social pragmatics impairments. The

most severe include my inability to determine when others have

stopped talking, resulting in my interrupting them before they are

done speaking. Another deficit is my vocal tone, where I tend to

drop my voice as I approach the end of a sentence, conveying the

impression that I am commanding rather than conversing. Men may be

able to get away with this behavior to some degree, yet the social

consequences are especially severe when one is female.

Over the years, as my self-awareness has increased, I have become

far better at minimizing my deficits so that I can have some form of

social life and a job. But that requires that I remain constantly

on stage, which makes being around other people thoroughly

exhausting. Yet if I relax even a tiny bit, I start interrupting

people and issuing unintentional commands that result in all sorts

of misunderstandings and consequences.

That's why I prefer my own company, as it's the only time that I can

get a break from the stage. For many years I used alcohol to

provide that badly needed escape, but these days I will need to make

do with my own company and the unconditional love of a cat or two.

All of this is a long-winded way of saying that my apologies are

sincere, yet I cannot promise that I won't re-offend you tomorrow.

Also I think people in satisfied relationships are satisfied

BECAUSE the other person is a decent human who treats them

right. Therefore their apology would be automatically

forgivable.

I see many shades of gray here, depending on the challenges of each

individual. But for the most part, I agree with you at a high

level.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

On 6/25/2012 6:42 PM, david bailey

wrote:

 

 

I liked this- this is how i used to be......now i dont

apologise for offending.

 

40 AS offensive....often...sorry...deal with

it.....ooops....

 

I just can't go that route myself.  I want human company, which

means that I must behave in ways that make others enjoy being around

me.

Knowing how much I dislike being around some people because of their

annoying (to me) social mannerisms, I can understand the impact that

my deficits may have on others.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

<<For example, I have numerous social pragmatics impairments.  The most severe

include my inability to determine when others have stopped talking, resulting in

my interrupting them before they are done speaking. Another deficit is my vocal

tone, where I tend to drop my voice as I approach the end of a sentence,

conveying the impression that I am commanding rather than conversing.>>

I swear on a stack of bibles, you could be describing me here!

~

" Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. "

--Albert Camus

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