Re: Re: Other support forums/blogs

[Guest guest]

> The Asperger's Association of New England (AANE) has an online support group

for partners. http://www.aane.org/aane_services/aane_online_support_groups.html

I've been in this group for a while, ever since my marriage therapist (and the

group's moderator) signed me up for it. Personally, I find it less than useful.

The group is mostly NT wives. There's a fair bit of Aspie hubby-bashing ...

threads such as " the silliest thing your husband does " or " I can't believe he

said that " . I know some women find comfort in such groups, but as an AS woman, I

felt marginalized.

--Liz

[Guest guest]

> The group is mostly NT wives. There's a fair bit of Aspie hubby-bashing ...

threads such as " the silliest thing your husband does " or " I can't believe he

said that " . I know some women find comfort in such groups, but as an AS woman, I

felt marginalized.

>

That's been my experience with " partners of " groups too. Yet I retain

several memberships in these groups nonetheless because I find the

perspectives interesting as I reflect back on my own marriage to a NT

man. I find the reading valuable, despite all of the misinformation and

bitterness toward AS spouses, their suspected ulterior motivations, and

their assumed lack of potential for learning social and relationship

skills. I guess that people who are in pain aren't always very

rational, charitable, or open-minded.

Even though such groups often contain a handful of Aspie women

(partnered with suspected AS men) who are " borderline neurotypical " like

myself, I've learned from observation that any attempts to educate the

membership about AS is not met with acceptance. Usually, it is

interpreted as a " lack of support " by those whose minds are already made

up about AS and the traits associated with the condition. Best to read

quietly from a distance, and learn... even though the lessons are often

painful.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your comments CJ. If not for my previous work experience in genetic/biological research & having a Mom who had mental/emotional difficulties, I might not have had the resources & compassion to deal with/try to understand ex-hubby's behavior. I'm not a religious person but I like the saying that roughly states, 'God doesn't give you more challenges in your life than you can handle.' I feel as if prior experiences in life allowed me the ability to process & proceed thru the situation. It was truly a growing, insightful experience in my life. Les. To: aspires-relationships Sent: Saturday, April 7, 2012 8:30 PM Subject: Re: Re: Other support forums/blogs

I'm an NT ex-wife of an AS husband. Just wanted to

mention that I was mad as hell with my still undiagnosed

ex-hubby for all the horrible things he did to me UNTIL,

thru my own personal research & counseling

(post-separation), realized what I was dealing with.

Understanding his limited perceptions of the NT

world allowed me to accept & greatly reduce my anger

toward him bcuz I had a much greater understanding of where

he was coming from. Even tho I'd be terrified to ever

resume contact w/ him again, I'm not bitter. I hope he

finds contentment in his life. Had circumstances been

different, I would have willingly made the effort to remain

in the marriage & help him navigate his challenges.

Les.

I commend you for educating yourself, . A wider perspective

has a way of expanding understanding and changing attitudes, even if

you choose not to remain in the relationship.

Unfortunately, not every NT spouse makes the effort that you did,

instead choosing to evaluate the behavior and assumed motives of

these men through a NT lens alone. Which makes no sense, as these

men do not march to an NT drummer -- they think and behave as they

do because of AS. Nonetheless, unenlightened (with respect to AS)

NT spouses can feel cheated that their dreams of a perfect marriage

was stolen by their clueless insensitive clod of a husband. No

wonder they feel angry, resentful, and bitter!

In my experience, a lot of NTs married to AS partners are seriously

codependent, and it's often that codependency that attracted them to

these partners in the first place. Like many codependents, once the

emotional well finally runs dry, all that pent up blame, anger, and

resentment needs to vent somewhere. Often it gets dumped onto the

Aspie spouse, when the reality is that the combined issues of both

spouses resulted in the breakdown of the marriage.

Just my experience with this population....

Best,

~CJ