AW: Re: Hazel

[Guest guest]

Dear Churyl,

as before... take what you need, let the rest go.

> She had a horrible, loveless childhood

> 1/2 for the most part, yes. But she did have a grandma who really loved

> her, and whom she really loved.

For the most part! So she had a Grandmother she really loved!

Her childhood was horrible, loveless, sometimes.

Did you have a childhood that was loveless, somtimes? You may have that in

common.

> 3 how do I react with this thought? I feel like she is essentially a

> broken person, and incapable of emotional maturity. I feel like I have

> had at least a good foundation, so I need to be the bigger person and

> accept her difficult behavior. It makes me want to distance myself,

> though, because she is 'unfixable' and 'too much work'.

How do you feel around her?

How do you treat her?

> 4 without this thought? On one hand, I feel like I wouldn't have a

> reason to forgive her behavior. Why can't she have a life with less

> drama, love relationships that work? The only reason we have been

> friends for so long is because we've mostly lived in separate countries,

> and had a friendship on the phone.

Can you absolutely know that that is true?

This one stands out:

> On the other hand, I feel like I

> would view her as more of an equal.

interesting.

> I would find different reasons to

> 'forgive' her... like she is just working on issues that I don't

> understand, and is at a different place than I am...

Maybe...

You may treat her like she has a life on her own? Respect mor what she says?

But answer these questions (3/4) from a point where the thought occurs. And when

believeing it makes you sad/irritates you/whatever.

> TURNAROUNDS

> I had a horrible, loveless childhood... (well, it wasn't perfect, but

> there was a lot of love).

Sometimes?

> She didn't have a horrible, loveless childhood...

she had a grandmother that loved her, and she cared about...

Could that be as true? Sometimes?

....

> *She hasn't recovered enough*

> 1/2 I suppose most people are working on some issue most of the time, so

> no.

Right. Differentiate betwenn #s 1 & 2.

And when would " enough " be, to your standards? And that's still YOUR standards.

> 3 how do I react? I view her as someone to be pitied. I view her as less

> than equal. I feel like I'll forgive her, but I don't want to be friends

> with her anymore because she's 'broken' and too difficult.

> 4 without that thought? I'd be really perplexed as to an alternate

> reason for her behavior. I would dig deeper for another reason that made

> sense... perhaps a better reason, where I saw her as an equal. Someone

> just working though her stuff, like I'm working on mine. In fact, there

> was a time when she visited me about 15 years ago when I was so

> depressed I could barely function. She had her boyfriend with her, and

> he kept making disparaging remarks about me. She says she kept defending

> me, and that was the least I could have done when she was depressed

> visiting me. Perhaps she's right.

Interesting.

And notice how the " as an equal " appears over and over.

> Turnaround: she has recovered enough. I haven't recovered enough. (Wow!

> Deep!)

Good!

> --- what I need from hazel---

> To know she hears my ammends, and knows that I'm truly sorry.

are you?

so ... you tried to let her know that, by treating her as if she wasn't there on

your sister's wedding, huh? ;-)

Maybe you would like to let her know that. If you don't want to say it to her,

try that one with your sister. And don't do it to get anything back. Do it hear

your voice.

Love,

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