Re: Re: Sexual encounters of the third kind.... :(

[Guest guest]

Hi Becky,

Thank you for your honest post, many may concur - myself included.

I have read posts here in the past about lack of sexual interest (as apposed to prowess). We've heard here on Aspires, that sometimes there has been the initiation of a sexual relationship which is all guns blazing (I cant believe I just wrote that) - because there is an enthusiasm, the AS 'hobby' aspect is in full throe, with the object of desire being the thing that the AS partner is concentrating on. That happened initially with myself, Ian was very attentive and loving, overly so, but at that time was not diagnosed with AS. I thought that his over attention was his usual self and admittedly, I found it all a bit smothering.

Ian's interest wained once he had achieved his goal - me. At the time this was hurtful, it wasnt a complete dropping of approaches, but he seem to have choreographed his whole programme of 'get copped off with Judy'. Like it was a task completed. Once he was 'in', he moved on to something else. At one time, he moved on to someone else! For a month or two, we were on a shoogly peg. However, he went off her, came back to me, and since then, (some ten years ago) we have worked hard to retrieve a real relationship, not one based on his choreography scripted approaches which he thought would work because he had seen them somewhere.

This does have relevance. Ian learned all his social - and that includes sexual - skills from films, TV or books. Thank goodness for me that doesnt mean he is a sadist or likes rubber. I was a bit taken aback when we first met that he liked to quote romantic phrases in slightly different voices, acted out scenarios, and was cheesy as hell. He made Errol Flynn look like a librarian.

On learning more about AS, I talked to Ian about our courtship, his AS, and his hot/cold approach since he become comfortable with me. He explained he knew nothing much about women (despite previously being married for ten years) and had got by with his scripts and copied actions.

He tells me the reason he settled down after we got together and changed back into his usual self, was that he didnt have to try hard anymore, he had expressed his love for me, physically, socially, and mentally too.

Ian had learned all his social attitudes by rote, and his lovemaking was like that too. I had to teach him, so to speak. He needed prompts all the time, and often seemed reluctant - (great for me ego....). He hates to fail, and he hates unexpected happenings, so any interaction - whether that is sexual (with me of course!) or social - has to be mentioned hours before the actual planned event. He then frets about what will happen - he rehearses his approaches - and worries it wont be right. And we all know what worry does to a sexual encounter, now dont we!

It turns out that he was only confident when using his 'scripted' methods at the beginning of our courtship. We have tried to overcome this by developing a genuinely caring relationship but its been brokered by my asking and him listening. Knowing now, about AS, and about him, we had to peel away what was the artifice whilst keeping his coping mechanisms safe, as underneath there was this quivering fellow who needed his role-play to help him cope. From this, honesty came. Ian admits he finds that sex impacts badly on his sensory processing - so we have to 'arrange' it to suit him, and build up to a loving event - hard flippin' work.

How we manage now, is, that I plan a romantic evening with Ian and set the scene with music and low lights, corny, aint it. I have managed over the years to encourage him to show Public Displays of Affection, simply because I instigated it and then he finds that he feels good too. Then he tried it unprompted a few times, and was delighted with the response from myself. He finds it flattering that he can achieve some happiness from me, by being spontaneous with an embrace rather than planning ahead and having his plans thwarted by the unknown quantity - the reaction of other people who havent read his script.... but as with all affection, the embraces are short lived, and dont lead to longer encounters.

He will fit me in between video gaming and sci fi movies. I dread to think where I stand in the Top Ten of things he does. Takes all the ooomph out of it for me. Its like everything else in our lives, I compromise so that the best can come out of our relationship, so have to allow for the 'fun by appointment'. It sounds as though this may be the same for you, Becky. You have said he has done well with the arousal session before - it may be that you always have to be the one who always starts that process, so you know that it will work for you, but it might be as well to say to him how much you like it when he does this or that, as you have liked him doing that before.... so he has a comparison of success to use for his 'script' of when it went right.

Do you think he is worried about his ability to fulfil your hopes to be pregnant? I dont mean any implication about prowess, only fear of failure in terms of that goal. And has he got himself into a spiral of uncertainty? I fear you may well have to programme in the 'spontaneity' and also praise him a lot for his attentions to you, in order to break any lack of confidence on his part?

Wishing you well,

Judy B

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Wednesday, 21 March 2012, 13:54Subject: Re: Sexual encounters of the third kind.... :(Becky,have you tried taking the lead in this area. Show your partner that you are interested and initiate fore play etc. It will help to avoid the 'he keeps getting it wrong' situation and will take some pressure off

him. The art of seduction is a great tool and it will ensure that your needs are met as much as his. Just my thoughts. Good luck x>> Ok, not sure if I am on my own, but I find that Jon is a little (read as very) inconsiderate in the bedroom, leaving me feeling rather more like a housekeeper come prostitute. We actually managed to 'have it off' on Monday after a long period of time with no contact. After, I took time to explain to him that as a rule, doing it at bedtime would not be ideal as I have to take medication which makes me really sleepy, so it's not the nicest experience for me.> > Then yesterday pm, I said to him 'I am available for having sex, you just need to let me know when you fancy it, so I can make sure

I am not half way through cooking dinner and so on.'> > Then fast forward to bed time. I hear him splashing in the bedroom, which he doesn't normally do. Asked what he was up to, and he said he was washing his privates ready for sex. I had to turn him down as I was well on the way with my sleepy meds, and really he'd not given me any interaction, any affection whatsoever, just assumed I was permanently 'open for business'. And had conveniently forgotten everything to do with getting ready for sex that he has read, about foreplay, about hugs, all the discussions we've had about intimacy, about my fire needing fanning before sex as I am not a machine. And previous approaches he has made in the more considerate ways, I know he can do it and make it a lovely experience.> > I feel really deflated and disappointed. He was just lazy, and I need to broach it with him, as it means a lot to me to get this sorted, especially if we're

meant to be trying for a baby in the next few months!!! I don't want it to be a mechanical experience!> > Any advice from anyone!?>------------------------------------ "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.We all contribute to the song of life." ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.

When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com

[Guest guest]

I'm going to be as open as I can here -- I have a hard time talking about sex,

but I do think my thoughts might be useful.

Refresher: I'm Aspie, mildly, and 99.44% straight with a lower than average (I

think) libido. My soon to be ex husband is also Aspie -- he's probably 60%

straight, with a high libido.

You can probably see the conflicts right away ...

On my part, sex was fun but got boring after a few dozen repetitions of exactly

the same thing. I have some major tactile sensitivities, instead of working

around them to find new things, X stuck to the one method he knew worked for me.

I'm very sex talk shy, and was unlikely to talk about what I wanted -- I was

better at saying what I didn't want.

Had X been NT, we could have made things work. We could have experimented and

come up with a range of activities, and he could surprise me with new stuff. He

could have worked with me on communication, too. I was always willing to try new

things, unless I was positive I'd hate them. [if I know I hate tickling, don't

bother trying feathers instead of fingers.]

However, X is Aspie. He rigidly refused to try new things, couldn't read my body

language, voice tone, or even words sometimes, and stuck to the 2-3 things that

worked in the past. Just as I got bored, so did he. He had some kinks, he " knew "

I'd hate them ... so he went outside the marriage. He " knew " I'd be angry if I

found out, and disgusted at his kinks, so he never told me. Then he got tired of

his sexless marriage, and blamed me for being frigid. A wife should adore her

husband and lust after him, regardless.

He never saw that his cheating lowered my desire for him. He never noticed that

*I* had internal issues, he saw them all as a reaction to him. I would have been

happy to explore his kinks with him (don't tickle me, but I don't mind tickling

you), even to open the marriage if I could do so with full trust ... but he

" knew " exactly how I would respond, and couldn't adjust his wrong reality.

When I was trying to fix our marriage, before he went psycho, I found some great

tools to help a couple learn what works for them. I can dig up the URLs if

anyone wants ... but first you need to establish trust and open communication,

both of which are large steps for Aspies.

--Liz