Re: Sexual encounters of the third kind.... :(

March 21, 2012

Becky,

have you tried taking the lead in this area. Show your partner that you are

interested and initiate fore play etc. It will help to avoid the 'he keeps

getting it wrong' situation and will take some pressure off him. The art of

seduction is a great tool and it will ensure that your needs are met as much as

his. Just my thoughts. Good luck x

>

> Ok, not sure if I am on my own, but I find that Jon is a little (read as very)

inconsiderate in the bedroom, leaving me feeling rather more like a housekeeper

come prostitute. We actually managed to 'have it off' on Monday after a long

period of time with no contact. After, I took time to explain to him that as a

rule, doing it at bedtime would not be ideal as I have to take medication which

makes me really sleepy, so it's not the nicest experience for me.

>

> Then yesterday pm, I said to him 'I am available for having sex, you just need

to let me know when you fancy it, so I can make sure I am not half way through

cooking dinner and so on.'

>

> Then fast forward to bed time. I hear him splashing in the bedroom, which he

doesn't normally do. Asked what he was up to, and he said he was washing his

privates ready for sex. I had to turn him down as I was well on the way with my

sleepy meds, and really he'd not given me any interaction, any affection

whatsoever, just assumed I was permanently 'open for business'. And had

conveniently forgotten everything to do with getting ready for sex that he has

read, about foreplay, about hugs, all the discussions we've had about intimacy,

about my fire needing fanning before sex as I am not a machine. And previous

approaches he has made in the more considerate ways, I know he can do it and

make it a lovely experience.

>

> I feel really deflated and disappointed. He was just lazy, and I need to

broach it with him, as it means a lot to me to get this sorted, especially if

we're meant to be trying for a baby in the next few months!!! I don't want it to

be a mechanical experience!

>

> Any advice from anyone!?

>

March 21, 2012

Hi Becky. Sorry, this is my first post, although I've been reading and meaning

to make an intro post for a few weeks now.

This really hits home for me. I don't know your exact background, but there are

some real similarities in what you describe. My husband and I probably haven't

had sex in... eight months or so? and probably six months before that, and so

on. We have a three-year old and a five-year old, and truthfully, it's amazing

that they were conceived.

Sex before we were married was good, often, but after marriage, I'm not sure

what happened. We've been to counseling. Actually, let me backtrack. One of

my husband's obsessions is porn and masturbating, so he often has difficulty

achieving orgasm with me, so yes, I lost some interest (I don't care about the

porn, per se, as long as it doesn't interfere with me feeling desirable to my

husband, and as I see it, if he can't achieve orgasm with me, that makes me not

desirable).

Since the kids were born, he's also had excuses like that I've had back injuries

and he didn't want to hurt me more (he said this in counseling, although he

NEVER mentioned this to me). I have tried a few times to make the first move,

which was never a problem when we were dating, only to have excuse after excuse

thrown at me. Over the past 4-5 years, I have hit a pretty hard depression

(Cassandra?), and lost desire. Since figuring out that he probably has AS (I

have not yet confronted him with this, and will post more about this later), I

actually feel hope, and am feeling a little better, and feel like I may want to

have sex again- and am freaking out because I am pretty sure it'll be the same

patterns again.

I, too, need to take meds at night that make me sleepy, and have told him that

bedtime is not ideal. He NEVER listened! And especially now, after several

rather bad years (in my opinion), I really hate to turn him down, so I'm not

even going to bring up sex until we can discuss the AS and the implications of

his needing to listen to the normalicies for me.

Not sure that made sense, I'm just spewing here.

I just re-read your post, and saw you are trying for a baby- our conceptions

were definitely mechanical-like. They had to be, because I needed them to

happen, and I wasn't going to wait (I was 36 when we started trying.) I hope

your experience is better. I also hope someone has good advice for you. I

think it's great, though, that you are aware of the AS before having children,

that's a huge advantage.

Best-C