Re: OT(Courage)

[Guest guest]

Dear Courage, Im so sorry your ill.Please please take care of yourself.Courage,

I feel the same things you write about everyday about my father.New years was

the 3 year anniversary of his passing and not a day goes by that i wish i could

have done more.Regret will torcher you Courage and eat you up inside, I have a

saving grace in a way because I know I have to be strong for mom so If I feel my

emotions getting out of control I stop and tell myself that mom needs me

strong.Courage you are a wonderful daughter and our fathers both of them are no

longer suffering.And when they were alive we could not have stopped the

suffering no matter what we would have done.Our fathers would want us to be

happy.I have no doulbts in my mind that your father would just like to see you

let go of these regrets and remember him with smiles in your heart.I know its

hard to do and believe me I struggle too, but Courage, you do your best none of

us are perfect and your dad definately wouldnt want

you to be this hard on yourself.Your a great preson Courage and lots of people

really look up to you.Im one of them.Please take care of yourself.I guarentee

thats what your father would want most right now.Heartfelt hugs to you Ron

gaat wrote: Hi All,

I am having such a rough night of it. Since the first day of the new year I have

come down with an upper respiritory infection that is threatening to turn to

pneumonia. My wheezing/rasping/gasping early this morning is what actually woke

me up because it sounded so much like the noise my dad was making before he

died.

I just cried my eyes out then and there thinking about how much pain he must

must have been in those three days he was in the hospital with pneumonia.

Why didn't I question his having pneumonia or insisting that he have a complete

check up? He started slowing down for about 2 months before he died and his

colour was awful. Where was my head?

Why didn't I check to see if he was being given pain meds during his stay when I

have asked people on this list to make sure their LO's get pain meds whenever

they get pneumonia?

Why didn't I realize that the mattress on those bed/strechers they bring people

in from the ambulance wasn't good for dad and that's why he developed bed sores

on his buttocks and on the balls of his feet? He had diabetes and any open sore

is dangerous.

Why didn't I go out in the hall and scream bloody blue murder until they found

him a bed instead of just accepting that there wasn't one or at least a special

pillow for his back?

Why didn't I realize that he even had sores on his buttocks and the balls of his

feet? I just figured he was complaining of pain because he had to stay laying in

bed for 3 days.

Why didn't I insist that the nurses at the NH keep his bandages changed and

fresh? Why didn't I check up on that? Where was my follow up? When I looked at

his feet after he died and took off those whacky space boots on his feet his

bandages looked so dried out with blood, why didn't I pay attention? I'm almost

positive that this is what caused the sepsis that eventually killed him.

Since dad died I really haven't been too hard on myself with the " what ifs " and

" if onlys " because dad was never very much satisfied with anything in the last

few years of his life and he only let you do so much for him but I feel like I

let him down. I feel like he would still be with us today if I had paid more

attention to him. Yes, I stayed with him as much as I could but that wasn't

enough - I should have done more. The tears have been flowing fast and furious

these last few days. I just feel so very bad about what I failed to do for dad.

I feel so sad for my father.

Courage