Re: Re: In-Laws in Constant Turmoil

[Guest guest]

Thanks Helen and Jennie! I will leave it (my efforts to help) at that. My in-laws live nearby, and it's just tough for me, bc my kids, especially my Aspie absolutely adore his grandma. They share a very special bond, and often he doesn't understand why he can't go visit grandma (such as times like now in constant arguing/disagreement) and I often have to make something up.Anyway, thru time I have come to understand my husband's reluctance in visiting his folks often, I guess he knows them better than I ever will and he loves and respects them, but always keeps his distance from them, and keeps our kidos at arms lenghth when near them. They're not toxic towards others, only towards eachother, and it's just sad sad sad to me. Grandma is just the sweetest woman you'll ever meet, but she has endured way more than a human being should, and I guess bitterness and resentment has finally taken a toll on her.It's heartbreaking for me, having come from a sheltered home, where my dad serenates and compliments my mom to-date, where we (parents/siblings) call eachother every other day or at the very least twice a week, (I live far from them), yet we keep a close knit bond, it's sad that my kids can't witness that, instead it's bickering adults as their nearest relatives.I appreciate your input and will try to keep a distance.Cheers!Blanca M. Lara RochaSender: aspires-relationships Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2012 14:43:43 -0000To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: In-Laws in Constant Turmoil Hi AndysMom, Somehow the end of your post was cut off, and I missed your signature as well.It is commendable for you to try to help your mother in law. You have given her the information, encouraged her to get counselling for herself, really it sounds like you have said and done all you can do, and now it's time to stop. Unfortunately she's displaying some rigidity on her part .. but it's not just a function of her age. I've seen it in lots of folks (and on this list as well) when you suggest that they should get counselling for themselves, they bristle and say, " I don't need fixing (what is implied is how dare you suggest that) he/she needs fixing, it's up to him/her now. " Well with an attitude like that... Over a lifetime I have come to realize that unfortunately we play a role as well. Often we are pre-programmed due our own family of origin experiences, and it's no surprise to find that AS lurks in our own family trees as well. We grew up accustomed to tolerating and accommodating to out-in-left-field behaviors so those things became normalized for us. Some us discover we have mild shades of AS too.I have to admit that to this day sometimes I do feel frustrated that I can't help some family members and friends more with the knowledge that I have about AS. They, or their loved one(s), are obviously in the spectrum but they are in denial. What I came to realize, though, is that sometimes this knowledge is for me and me alone. I can use this knowledge to change my own behaviors and also my reactions to others on the spectrum. Sometimes that involves " tough love " which means no longer " enabling " them by continuing to support them in their faulty thinking or behaviors.Mostly, that involves not responding to negative behaviors and therefore not reinforcing negative behaviors, and responding to positive behaviors - therefore encouraging positive ones.It also means when a family member or close friend starts complaining about errant spouse with same litany that you have heard from time immemorial - and you *know* they aren't going to take action - you change the subject or suddenly remember that you have to run out on errands. They may or may not " get it " eventually, but it will spare you the frustration you feel right now, and spare you the sense of owning a problem which is not yours to own. best to you and welcome to ASPIRES!- Helen>> Hello All,> > I am seeking ideas on how to approach (if recommended to do so at all) my in-laws re their constant turmoil in their marriage and AS playing a significant role. I have been coaching my MIL for a while, especially since I found out about my son's diagnosis, I self diagnosed my husband and have learned a WHOLE lot here w you fine people. And I'm still learning, since our marriage was heading the same direction as my in-laws, but never as close to theirs.> > In-laws are 74 years old, and I know for a fact father-in-law is AS, just never had the enlightment of the truth. ;-) Brilliant person, just displays classic traits of AS, as well socially unable to keep relationships, mom comments on how he has burned every bridge of friendship w most folks they know as well as family--often he blurts hurful words, in particular to MIL or speaks his mind openly about her regardless of who is around, starting a disagreement that can quickly be blown out of proportion for the littlest thing. Add to that behavior some insecurity, anxiety, abandonment issues, and who knows what else and it's a living hell for mom every day of her life. She's left various times, be he often somehow convinces her he will change (which he really never does), he's been in counseling for at least 6 years, she quit going bc things just do not improve, no matter her efforts per the recommendation of therapists, and she's at her wits end. > > Anyway, I have asked her to seek counseling for herself, to help bear this burden. But she's old school as well, she tells me " she doesn't need it, bc she hasn't done wrong, he's the one who needs it " , I tell her, " in a way you have, you've put up w his abuse, neglect, betrayal, for over 46 years " . > > > As long as I have known them (about 12 years) they have had the same problems, all based on my " mother-in-law (MIL) never doing " what she is supposed to do " " . Things are usually well so long as she does as he desires, like being home, not going anywhere, talking to absolutely anyone on phone,>