Social cues as an adult

[Guest guest]

I'm recently back on the list. My husband and I are in couple's counseling,

finally with an astute psychologist who misses very little. My husband is " on

the cusp " of Asperger's ( " on the cusp " being the phrase the doc used to my

husband; I'd say it's more than that); it's the first time anyone but me has

used the term to him. It was actually a relief to me to hear it confirmed by a

professional.

 

My husband misses and/or ignores (it's sometimes hard to tell) social cues:

what's being communicated in tone of voice, what might be the appropriate

reactions, when it's time to talk, when he or someone else sounds angry and so

on.... I know that kids are sometimes tutored in social skills, but here's my

husband as an adult in a similiar situation with a doc offering similiar to him.

 

Does anyone here have any first-hand or second-hand experience with learning

these things as an adult? My husband is motivated for now, but I don't know

whether or not this is something he can do -- or when the motivation might give

in to frustration.

 

Thanks for any comments you can offer.

 

pinot

[Guest guest]

I gave up on 0s and 1s a long time ago. I don't speak in binary. I have a very

spatial mind. I choose to communicate in the verbal/written word, for the

simple reason of needing to communicate with NTs, especially.

>

>

> Hmmm... that's quite an interesting comment. So are you saying that

> you're better at communicating in binary than you are with the spoken

> and written word?

>

> Just wondering if perhaps you've been missing your vocation and ought to

> be more into coding and programming instead of struggling against the

> odds in more conventional occupations??

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

** - my comments, K.

>

> I hope you'll forgive me for snipping so very much of your thoughtful post; I

really appreciated all of your comments. The line that jumped out at me the

most, though, was the first sentence in this paragraph. Where you write " people

with AS can learn what it means to be in a relationship where both people are

cherished and loved " -- with my husband, who is at least border AS, I [almost]

never doubt that he loves me and cherishes me, at least on an intellectual and

deep emotional level. (The in-between gets muddy.)

** Thanks, pinot, for your comments. I think when I said, " ...where both people

are cherished and loved " .. I should have qualified that with the word, feel,

before loved and cherished. That was the point I was trying to make. Anyone

can learn what it means, intellectually, what it means to be loved and

cherished. But, another to feel that.

 

> I feel hughly lonely. Often. I know intellectually that my borderline(?)-AS

husband loves me, but sometimes it feels as if he loves the idea of me or me as

the warmth in the bed next to him. So while I'm aware that he loves me

intensely, I'm not always sure what that means to him. We're in counseling,

finally, to try to bridge this gap.

** Good to see that you both are getting professional help in this area of your

lives. I am sorry to hear that you feel lonely as much as you do, but I am

hopeful that things will improve in your relationship.

> So back to the difference between " are cherished and loved " and " feel

cherished and loved. "  The behavior mod there *I need* would be for him to

show through his speech and actions that he is connected, that he does care. For

his interactions to communicate his emotions more. He doesn't know how to do

that very well, or at least at all consistently. And if he's expecting any kind

of an " negative " emotional emotion from me, even if it has absolutely nothing to

with him, it's even harder for him.

** Yes. It's something my best friend and I work on as well. She has always

told me to be honest with her, even if it's difficult for me to convey to her

what it is that I wish to say.

> Any of us, all of us, can only do the best we can do that day. I

think, though, that sometimes it's hard to acknowledge to ourselves what our

best might be. In the case of my husband and me, where there's been " bad

behavior " on both sides -- our potential " best "  might be far better than I or

he know or admit to ourselves, and we can and need to step up. Or maybe not.

Maybe this is the best it gets.

>  

> I find that last thought really unnerving and depressing.

>  

> pinot

** Two steps forward, one back. Baby steps. It's easy in this world where

everyone expects so much right away that we are all expected to improve by leaps

and bounds just like that. However, it's all about making gradual (the key

word) improvement. Things are not always going to be what we hope, each and

every day. Have you thought about keeping a journal about your relationship, or

have you done something like that previously? If you haven't, might be worth

something to consider.

K.