Sometimes a good nursing home is the best way to be a caregiver

[Guest guest]

Hello all, this will be a long post, so be forewarned,

I have read most of the posts for the past two years, and only posted

very little during the first few months after my father was diagnosed

with LBD in April, 2006. I feel I know you all! I would like to

express my experiences with my father, who is 85.

My father moved in with us in May of 2006, and at that time the only

troubling thing was his hallucinations. Started on Seroquel and a

mild anti-depressant, he wasn't too bad, but the hallucinations and

paranoia still increased. Gradually, he went from being able to

shower himself, even make a simple sandwich, to being totally

incapable of washing or dressing himself.

He didn't know how to get into bed - the sheets and blankets confused

him. He put down food in bowls on the kitchen floor for non-existent

pets. Constantly hiding his wallet then panicking for me to find it.

Clothes rummaging, and toilet roll unwinding. Standing on the

baseboard heater till it broke, turning on the shower with the door

open so it flooded the bathroom more than once. Constantly taking off

his clothes, and accusing us of selling our house and abandoning him.

The worst thing was his paranoia and suspicion. He was originally

diagnosed because he called the RCMP twice to his house, saying there

were intruders. While living with me, he called the local police

while I was out, to arrest the contractor who was working on my house.

He constantly accused me of stealing things from him. The one that

made me laugh was when he couldn't find his battery operated nose

hair trimmer. I found it in the bathroom drawer, as it was there all

the time. He said I must have wanted it pretty badly, and I must have

stolen it, because how did I know where it was? That's Lewy logic! at

no time did he ever appreciate how much we had turned our lives

upside down for him. I became virtually housebound, and my husband

and I took separate holidays of just a few days away.

I knew once he became incapable of washing himself that I couldn't do

it for him. We were always a modest family, and he hated having me do

it. After a few weeks, I hired homecare. At that time he began having

accidents, and that is when I seriously started looking for a good

nursing home.

I know some of you deal with this every day (poop in the washer!) but

each one of us has our limits, and that was it for me. The

personality that was my father had departed, and a demanding,

joyless, suspicious old man was inhabiting his body.

When the nursing home call came, I spent a sleepless night wondering

how it would go. The next morning I told him I was taking him to a

really nice place where he would be looked after well. 'OK,' he said.

He went in mid-January, and it was the best decision I ever made.

Today I had a care conference at the home, with the pharmacist, their

doctor, the activities co-ordinator, social worker, and two nurses.

On top of that, his regular physician was there. They gave me a

detailed oral and written report about how he's getting on.

The hallucinations have gone, after the first week. Stunning! He

turns out for all the activities, and loves the music. No matter what

the music, he asks ladies and aides to dance - he always was a bit of

a flirt! He eats swell, is mobile, and they have a him in a good

routine of getting up, washing, etc. They consider him to be a 'kind

and good natured man,' a direct quote from his report card.

I know that if he had stayed with me, I would have had a nervous

breakdown by now. His doctor walked me out to the car car, and said I

took care of him well, and that this home was a good decision. I

think for the first time in the past two years, I will go to bed

tonight without feeling angry or guilty. Even after placing him, I

would lie in bed at night second guessing the decision, squirming

with self-loathing that I wasn't a good enough person like the

caregivers on this board who do so much.

Well, now that I see him thriving, I don't feel guilty. He needed

lots of people around him in a safe, controlled environment. Now he

is so happy, that today he asked me if it was true the place was

going to be redeveloped and he wouldn't be able to stay. (He's still

suspicious, moaning and paranoid with me). He was thrilled when I

said he could stay as long as he wanted.

Whew! Those of you who have read every words, congrats! The only

right way to deal with this disease is to do as much as you're

capable of, and know when it is right for you and your LO to pass the

load onto the professionals.

Thanks for listening