Re: In-Laws in Constant Turmoil

[Guest guest]

Hi Blanca,

Now that I see your signature, and checked the archives, I realize you have been

around for awhile. But you are still a very welcome member You have a

wonderful, loving, attitude and I'm just sorry that you are not geographically

close to your own family as it would be wonderful modelling for your son too. I

am guessing you are some flavour of Latin American - so am I believe it or not

- and I can really appreciate how my mom must have felt being so far away

from her very expressive and loving large family. My mom's family is so big they

have their own yahoo group and I love the banter that goes back and forth (and

thank goodness for google translator, many of the jokes are in Spanish and alas,

I don't speak it) .. I hope that you have that type of connection too (or skype,

or something like that!)

I also realize that your husband was no doubt affected by what he saw and

experienced in his upbringing which is a huge complicating factor on top of AS.

He probably has learned quite a lot about what NOT to be like from his family of

origin, but unfortunately not what TO be like, which is especially bad for AS,

given that some spectrum folks (unless they are more outgoing) will tend to

assimilate more from the home and less from their peers.

But thankfully, your husband is obviously aware enough that he does not want to

expose your son to that environment.

I recall many moons ago I was in a somewhat similar position with wanting to

help a relative (a younger one, on the spectrum, but he didn't know it yet) but

his situation was very complex, and Meyer, bless him, warned me off. That

was prudent advice that I'm glad I followed.

Most folks learn when they are ready to learn, in their own time and in their

own way. Sadly in some cases, like your MIL, there is some sort of dysfunctional

payoff to them for staying locked in the same negative patterns. But I *do*

understand your wanting to help. It's frustrating having the knowledge that

could help someone, but not being able to use it. However, you have a big job

enough ahead of you, closer to home, showing your son healthy behaviors, and you

will have to create your own community and " family " where you are, something I

am sure you are doing admirably, and will continue to so so.

cyber hugs

Helen

>

> Thanks Helen and Jennie!

>

> I will leave it (my efforts to help) at that.

>

> My in-laws live nearby, and it's just tough for me, bc my kids, especially my

Aspie absolutely adore his grandma. They share a very special bond, and often he

doesn't understand why he can't go visit grandma (such as times like now in

constant arguing/disagreement) and I often have to make something up.

>

> Anyway, thru time I have come to understand my husband's reluctance in

visiting his folks often, I guess he knows them better than I ever will and he

loves and respects them, but always keeps his distance from them, and keeps our

kidos at arms lenghth when near them. They're not toxic towards others, only

towards eachother, and it's just sad sad sad to me. Grandma is just the sweetest

woman you'll ever meet, but she has endured way more than a human being should,

and I guess bitterness and resentment has finally taken a toll on her.

>

> It's heartbreaking for me, having come from a sheltered home, where my dad

serenates and compliments my mom to-date, where we (parents/siblings) call

eachother every other day or at the very least twice a week, (I live far from

them), yet we keep a close knit bond, it's sad that my kids can't witness that,

instead it's bickering adults as their nearest relatives.

>

> I appreciate your input and will try to keep a distance.

>

> Cheers!

> Blanca M. Lara Rocha