Re: Hugs

[Guest guest]

,

Yes, sorry, I did somewhat misunderstand that you were somehow

averse to hugging yourself, and I did charge blindly down the road of

answering on the basis of that false assumption.

It's sad and touching to hear of anyone who is deprived of the

opportunity for any physical contact. I know that contact is a

significant contributor to general well-being so I'm sorry to hear of

your situation. What about friends and acquaintances? No chance of the

occasional casual hug there?

In saying this I realise I'm also feeling sorry for myself because I'm

also deprived, but for different reasons. Many people who live

isolated lives find a simple compromise by having a dog or cat they can

stroke and cuddle. My cat and I regularly talk and express affection

for each other, and it's not uncommon for cats and Aspies to go together.

So going back to your original question, while I can appreciate that

cyber-hugs are well meant, they do rather miss their mark with me for

the same reasons I explained in my previous post. I hope others who

suffer from sensory aversions to hugs will be able to answer you from

their angle better than me.

-------

On Thu, 5 Jan 2012 at 02:33:26 +0000 Lindenthal wrote:

> I think you have misunderstood me. I have no aversion to hugs, as long as they

aren't " funny uncle " type hugs. As a widow with no family I just suffer from a

complete and total lack of hug participants. That's one of the worst things

about

> So my question still stands...do those who have sensory aversion to hugs

> find cyberhugs as troublesome as in-person hugs? Or are you able to

> appreciate the cyberhugs for the sign of support they are meant to be?

[Guest guest]

Thanks - and by the way, cats are the business... :-))

Hugs in our world are given sparingly, only between ourselves as brokered over many years.... and the freely given, bear hugs from complete strangers that I like, is a complete no no for Ian. The sensory stuff, plus the unexpected touching, goes against the grain. He will hug some members of my family, but only those who he feels its ok with, and not very often.

He isnt jealous of my ability to garner affection in hugging, as he hates the thought of indiscriminate hugs. However, he is jealous of affection given, as he sees himself as being outside of that kind of attention. He feels that others get unwarranted attention without seeming to do anything much, yet for him, its a great effort to even get through the smokescreen of non-spectrum thinking, socialising, chatting etc.

Yes, he is jealous of my social prowess. I have reassured him, and may I reassure you, that in my world its a lot of puff, and its often the case of mwah mwah. So, if Ian does interact, its usually very well meant and sincere.

In terms of attracting interest from others (and we've touched on this before) it does often fall to me to broker an interest - I meet someone and break down the barriers to social interaction, discover that the person is a trekker or a bookie person, mention it to Ian. He often hates this 'introduction' process.... but I have asked him to trust me that I wont throw dross at him. Just because I move around in more circles than he does, I meet more people.

I am not saying that without me he wouldnt meet people or that he would be a hermit, but I do have a nose for interesting people (which is why I met him!) and wouldnt impose anyone on him that he wouldnt like.

Once he decides to befriend, that is often the end of my socialising with whoever, as Ian guards his friends jealously - he thinks I will be more of a draw, and take them away again! So be it....

Ian has long term hurt from a lonely childhood so that is expected. I have got a few friends who we share, but I always leave him to his particular pals. In wider circles, if he needs me there to translate non-spectrum talk, or help him with courage to enter a crowded room, then I stick beside him. Its a game of chess....

Hope this helps. Your own situation, , is probably exacerbated by your geography?

Cats never let you down, do they?

Judy

Subject: Re: HugsTo: aspires-relationships Date: Thursday, 5 January, 2012, 2:49

Yes, Judy, you're describing a very admirable arrangement you and Ian have successfully managed to set up over the years. Congratulations and great, but clearly it's taken you a lot of time and heartache to reach this stage.This is very different to casual quick hugs with relative strangers though, isn't it!Now we've got this far on the topic, may I take the opportunity to ask (as two seperate questions) how you and how Ian react to the quite commonplace hugging that goes on in the world out there? Suppose there was a member of the opposite sex involved and Ian saw you or you saw Ian hugging them? Would that cause any feelings of jealousy?Dunno, p'raps it's this fear of causing jealousy that inhibits me and makes me feel that hugging should be a personal and private thing.-------- YOUR REPLY --------Subject: Fw: Re: HugsDate: Wed, 4 Jan

2012 11:19:18 +0000 (GMT)Reply-To: aspires-relationships To: ASPIRES <aspires-relationships >I know this is a well trodden path.... I noticed that when some NTpartners come onto Aspires, they often mention isolation or lack oftactile/spontaneity as an issue. The timing is crucial, as yourightly point out, . They

have to be 'real' hugs, reciprocallygiven.Its not about enforcing hugs on people - there is surely nothingworse than hugging some one who freezes up.Nor is it about stilted, painting by numbers responses.Ian iswilling to hug me when he is ready to, and he offers them readily asa solution for mutual affection, albeit in short bursts, and asolution that he is capable of enacting. But we have negotiated thisover many years...We aren't talking of screaming, over-effusive, octopus styleintrusions. Just a quiet squeeze as an acknowledgement of sharedintimacies.I don't demand a hug. I once explained to Ian that a greeting, or agift of his acknowledging I was sharing the same space, that such asmall action was priceless to me.Sometimes, it is I who doesn't wish to be hugged, I'm busy, have aback ache, or am darned annoyed at Ian about something.The aspect of our hug

routine that I need to clarify is, that ii ison the basis that hugs are 'given' by Ian, he instigates them. Imiss out, because I cant offer them when he isn't in the mood. Buthe knows this, we've talked about the sensory horrors of a hug fromstrangers, or even those close to you, when you cant bear thethought of being touched.Ian knows that I once found it both puzzling and hurtful at thetimes when he told me to go away - literally - out of his space.Even when in the same room, because he doesn't want another breathernear him at that point. I compromise here and there for his ASinvoluntary responses, so our deal is, that when he wants to, hebrokers a short burst of intimacy for me, that is tolerable andpossible. Our deal is, he occasionally gives me a hug, when he feelsright.He enjoys a hug with me now, but doesn't hug others - my sister wasan exception, when he was moved by her cancer

ordeal.Ian's hugs, therefore, are always sincerely given. He delights in myreaction; he feels better, after a quick hug, because I do. Just asin couples, you do little things for each other.Until we talked about it, he didn't know that a small action couldmean so much. For all the times he passes through the house ignoringme, immersed, or that he has not perceived my needs, this smallaction has a currency. It has vastly improved the short bursts oftime we spend together during the day, for example. I don't mind somuch, being ignored, because I know at some time or other, Ian will'factor' in some time for me. In the ways that suit him. If that isa smile and a hug in the hallway, I feel great.There has been much negotiation on the way. I simply mention hugs tothose - both NT and AS - who post about a lack of open affection, orwhy this is important. Its one way of reaching a middle ground

fordemonstrating, if you will, how easily a quick burst of affectioncan pay dividends; even if it has to be asked for, even if it has tobe learned and isn't easily given at first.As Bill said recently, the good thing about the list here, is seeingthe perspective from both sides, and the AS perspective given herehas helped Ian and myself immensely. We can talk things throughbased on our renewed understanding of our different thinking.I asked Ian about hugging, based on your reply, . I am awarethat when he and I first met, he endured my puppy dog approach. Ihugged and stroked, then, all the time. He then thought, I suppose Ihave to endure this, he found it flattering to garner so muchattention. He gradually got colder towards me, thinking, I have doneenough now, she loves me, I don't have to try so hard....he didn'tknow why I was upset at his distancing of himself once we beganliving

together.He was certainly, then in particular, at odds with my needs. Ourjointly learning about his AS helped a great deal and we worked outa daily life based on his 'time out' requirements, and I learnedthat it wasn't personal.Ian says he used to give me affection because it was expected ofhim, so he obliged, in the same manner as 'pass the salt'. I'vewritten here before about how Ian used to say, every morning 'I loveyou'. But he said it in a stilted way, like a chore, like brushinghis teeth every day. He agreed that he 'planned' saying the phrase,frightened that I might go off him if he didn't say it all the time,and he used to remind himself to say it, hence it sounding odd.After this, we talked about displays of affection, and how we couldfreely give them. He now knowsthat a show of sincere affection, tosay 'hello, I care', is important to me, but it cant be scripted.And he

realises, affectionate gestures are important to him, too. Heis a needy person. Hugs fulfil that to some extent. His earlyattempts were not worth having, a quick grasp of the elbows, hedidn't mean it. I stopped 'asking' for hugs, but explained to Ianthat I did love having them from him. We've got past the awkwardstage. We hug gently, now, and say nice things to each other for afew seconds. Its nice. Its gone from a practice to being wanted andsincere. Ian likes them because he feels appreciated and loved, bybeing the giver. Mawkish as that may sound.He still ignores me a lot - yesterday I was in bed with flu, and theonly interaction for some hours was a ten second burst of his newStar Trek phaser, when if I had been hugged, that would have beenbetter! So being pushy gets you nowhere....That is why he offers them when he feels that he means thatsentiment. And why I feel less isolated and

appreciated. Even if fora short while :-))Judy B, Scotland, benefiting from a little bit sharingSent fromJudy Barrow's iPad