I need some help (LONG)

[Guest guest]

I debated about sharing this topic again, as I made a reference to the

situation last week and it didn't seem to generate any interest beyond a

one-liner or two. I was somewhat disappointed, as I rarely ask for help

in this group, as most of my challenges cannot be resolved here.

However, I am trying again as several of the regular participants here

are very good at analyzing social dynamics where AS is a factor, without

personalizing issues and losing their cool. In my experience, this is

not the norm in most AS forums, where hypersensitivity seems to rule the

day and NTs are often blamed for every misfortune that could possibly

befall an Aspie.

Thus, I wouldn't dream of sharing this elsewhere in the AS community, as

even the slightest hint of criticism with respect to AS traits and

behavior is likely to be perceived as a " red flag " that serves as a

provocation to every thin-skinned charging bull in the land. Thereby

derailing the topic and creating a whole lot of conflict that I just

don't need in my life right now.

So, in the AS world, you folks are all I have.

To reiterate the situation....

For the last few years, I have been sharing articles of interest to the

AS community with a particular forum in the hopes of generating some

traffic, as the group has been crippling along for some time now. Where

at one time the active membership included highly articulate folks who

understood how to disagree without being disagreeable, those folks have

mostly fallen silent, or left the forum entirely. Only to be replaced

by a small core group of Aspies who exhibit the poor communication

skills and absence of self-control that probably would make them rather

disruptive (and therefore unwelcome) here. The situation is further

complicated by numerous comorbid mental health issues layered on top of

AS challenges.

Just to give you a flavor for the environment -- imagine a small core

group who never heard the phrase " go along to get along " . Being RIGHT

rules the day, and of course only one viewpoint can be RIGHT. The proof

is left to the student as to whose viewpoint that might be.

Add to that the tendency toward nitpicking, often to the extent where

one disliked turn-of-phrase will be cited as the reason to condemn an

entire website, book, individual, whatever.

Then there is the name-calling, usually precipitated by defensiveness

over the smallest imagined slight or disagreement. All the while loudly

claiming to be " attacked " or accusing someone of " not being able to

accept other viewpoints " . Ah, the irony (not to mention projection).

Quite honestly, I've never encountered a group of so-called 'adults' who

have the conflict resolution skills of the typical middle-schooler. And

like middle-schoolers, they identify, feed on, and support each other in

their shared insecurities and deficits.

The moderators are essentially good people yet are largely absent, so

the tone of the group is set by the most active participants (see

above). Should their assistance be requested, the mods are not inclined

to get involved beyond the occasional token effort, and there is rarely

any follow-through when they do. Occasionally someone will get a

warning, but the warning does not appear to have any 'teeth'. After a

few days of relative quiet, the cycle repeats itself.

Over the last few months, I have become the latest target of this small

group of reactionary AS bullies. The primary bully is an individual

whom I originally met in the group some years ago, and have since

encountered in various online forums. Let's just say that she really

really really does not welcome my presence in any online group where she

is active, and will go out of her way to undermine and devalue my

contributions, and stir up $#!t whenever possible. She has even gone so

far as to publicly protest a group owner's decision to approve my

membership in the group.

While she has a reputation as a bully toward anyone she somehow finds

threatening, she knows just how to suck up to (the less socially adept)

AS group moderators with self-effacing 'apologies' that convey the

impression that she means no harm toward anyone and will really try to

do better in the future. The mods take pity on her, and her bacon is

saved once again. IMO, anyone who believes that Aspies can't be

manipulative need to rethink their stereotypes of AS.

And because she has the habit of publicly coming to the rescue of anyone

weaker (never stronger) than herself (often provoking and engaging in

arguments on their behalf), the less socially adept regard her as a kind

and generous individual who endlessly gives and gives, with no agenda of

her own. Anyone familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle knows how this

attention-seeking game works in actual practice.

Thus, she has developed a bit of social currency among the less socially

adept. I have not.

It's not only my wide variety of AS-themed articles that provoke the

bullies, it seems to be my mere existence in the forum. If I say

" white " , they say " black " . In fact, it seems that whatever I say

somehow manages to get twisted and perceived as an attack on the entire

AS community.

I'm also regarded as pedantic, and that makes me somehow threatening.

Which I find quite ironic, as being a " Little Professor " is a common

Aspie trait. That such a trait would be condemned within a community of

Aspies who often urge tolerance for the many ways in which AS presents

(their individual presentation being the most important, of course)

seems more than a bit hypocritical to me.

And heaven forbid that I commit the ultimate betrayal and defend a NT

perspective or suggest that while Aspergers may be an explanation, it

can never be an excuse for antisocial behavior or refusing to pull one's

weight in a relationship. Such a heresy on my part usually leads to

challenges about the validity of my AS diagnosis, sometimes to the

extent where I am accused of being a " stealth NT " who joined the group

for the express purpose of harassing Aspies.

In all fairness, I do have friends in the group who are very articulate

and mature. However, these folks don't participate much, preferring to

lurk instead. They are not inclined to lend support to me (at least

publicly), as they don't want to get sucked into the conflict themselves.

The mods won't intervene to restore civility to the chaos, so I'm on my

own. I usually don't respond to the vitriol, as there is little point

in dignifying such verbal abuse. Sometimes I will attempt to clarify my

position while remaining cool and calm, yet it does not seem to help as

my words only get twisted yet again. Once offended, it appears that

some people are determined to remain offended.

Depending on the nature of the vitriol, I will occasionally confront the

primary bully head-on, call her on her game, and demand that she stop

bullying me. Yet that only results in drawing out clueless

well-intentioned newbies who are not familiar with the history of the

dynamic. Not understanding my strongly worded request, they often

defend the bully because they aren't socially adept enough to read the

subtext of the situation, let alone understand that it's rarely a good

idea for a newcomer to voice an opinion on a historical issue on which

one has no perspective. Once again, the bully wins and appears as

innocent as a newborn lamb, and I am seen as the aggressor instead.

I guess I just don't feel that I have the tools to communicate with

these people using logic and a cool, calm approach that tries to focus

on principles, not personalities. Once they perceive a threat and their

(often denied) emotional side rears its head, they seem to go all

kneejerk and irrational. Thus, no matter what I try to do to

communicate with them, it is a failure.

While I can understand that some of these folks are severely damaged by

the traumas in their past, I also don't want to become a casualty of

their bitterness and anger at the NT world. It's just no longer healthy

for me to be around Aspies who don't exhibit somewhat decent

communication and conflict resolution skills. To me, these individuals

are just toxic with a capital 'T'.

Please don't dismiss me by suggesting that I just quit this

dysfunctional group where adult babies rule the day. I already know

that I should have stopped throwing pearls before swine a long time ago.

Right now, my primary concern is the impact that the bullying is having

on my emotional health, mostly due to my awareness of being alone in the

world to fend for myself in so many others ways. The bullying is yet

another reminder that so few people are willing to step up and openly

support me, instead of taking the easy route and allowing me to get

thrown under a bus by those who yell the loudest. That my experience is

likely to be invalidated by those who prefer to believe that Aspies are

not capable of the type of behaviors I describe.is the loneliest feeling

of all.

I am rapidly coming to the point where I am beginning to avoid and

mistrust Aspies who are not known and 'safe' to me. To me, the AS

community has become a dangerous place where I have come to feel

regarded as an " outsider " and an enemy because I am often perceived as

" too high functioning " to be considered " one of us " .

Best,

~CJ