We are asking Hospice to take Millie for a few days.

February 17, 2008

If they don't want to, we will take her to the emergency room and

get a few brain scans. She has pretty much lost her words and she

thinks I am going to stab her if goes to bed.

This is so sudden, and Jim is really getting steamed that I am

putting up with so much. She wouldn't believe her bedroom belonged

to her, and so she didn't want to lie down.

This morning she had a jacket on her legs and was livid with me as I

tried to get the jacket off.

When we went for our ride, she had a shirt on over her pajamas and

two pairs of pants, to boot! she wasn't wearing teeth, and in her

right mind, she would have rather walked the plank than be seen in

public like she was, but hey, she dressed herself.

I think I have reached a place where it is far more humane for Millie

to have caregivers who don't feel like strangling her right now. If

she has had several strokes, I am definitely out of my league.

Now if they find a UTI, I might give it another go, but if this is

how it is going to be, I can't keep it up without being a toxic

caregiver. I don't know when I felt it all turn, but right now, I

know I am not what Millie needs.

I feel like I have just been dismissed by something bigger than me,

and I am probably okay with that.

Ron, I know this is not how we planned this, but I think I need to

give Millie a better shot at her end of life issues. Is it failure?

It's kind of like my divorce when I was 21. When you are wishing the

person would never come home again, it is probably the time to get

out. I may change my mind, but I think i have to let her son have a

run at this. This may be God giving him his chance at a relationship

change of heart.

I think I am supposed to step back. I think my turn is over for now.

We'll see where this new path leads us.

Carol

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