Guest guest Posted August 17, 2012 Report Share Posted August 17, 2012 > As we know, some of them spent their childhood and a significant part of their adulthood being scorned and bullied, partly brought on by their own off-the-wall behaviors (though that still does not make it right to bully them.) > > Then they learn they have AS and finally, they feel they have validation and a community. For many of us, learning about AS opens a door to new understanding, but for some, it simply legitimizes behaviors (and it's important to stress " behaviors " ) that have nothing to do with AS and everything to do with maladaptive life patterns. Unfortunately, the same kind of alienating behaviors that caused them social difficulty are now the ones they wear as a badge of pride. They confuse assertiveness (standing one's ground) with violating others sensibilities and boundaries - over and over again. " That's the way I am, " they now think. " Take it or leave it. " And sadly, a great number of others are going to leave it. Helen, I think you really captured the problem very well. This is why I choose to avoid such folks. They really wear me down, especially when they are verbally abusive. For my own emotional health, I really need to create as much distance from them as possible. I do feel sorry for them, and I hope that they can find a way to grow beyond the maladaptive behavior patterns in which they seem to be stuck. > I have met wonderful AS people in cyberspace and I know a few adults in real time who, like me, feel they are somewhere on the spectrum. I have only ever met one diagnosed adult face to face though. That was nine years ago. I'm sorry to say, that experience put me off wanting to meet another one face to face for a very long time. I've met quite a few wonderful AS folks in cyberspace too, Helen. Most of these friendships came about as a result of our shared experiences with AS online forums dominated by the sort of folks you mention above. In real time, I've met quite a few Aspie men. But then, I live and work in Silicon Valley, where geeky sorts of all stripes tend to cluster. They seem like okay guys but not the sort of men I would consider dating. Their Social/Emotional IQ is just too low for my tastes. I've met a few women in real time whom I suspect are Aspie, and the experience really put me off. I suspect that I've met many more who blend into society far more easily and do not exhibit the sort of extreme traits that can be socially offputting. > Unfortunately, you have no opportunity to tell people like her the things that could help them. They are so hypervigilant towards anything that smacks of criticism that they equate it with an attack on the very essence of their being. So they go on blithely offending and alienating, being shunned, and destined to never know why. That's it exactly, Helen. And it's why I have learned to avoid such folks at all costs. I must, for my own emotional well-being. I've made my mistakes in trying to be helpful by appealing to their sense of logic and the payoff to be had from conforming in small ways. It just hasn't worked. Once that hypervigilance you speak of gets triggered, they stop being logical and revert to full attack mode. I have squandered so much time and emotional resources in digging myself out from encounters with such people, and have no desire for an encore. These days, I stay far far away, limiting my contact to only that which is truly necessary (like on the job). Online, I do not reply to their posts, as you never know what they might perceive as an 'attack'. > I found a blog on accepting constructive criticism and if I ever find it again, I'll post it. Both AS and NS struggle with this at times. Please do, Helen. We all can benefit from having better skills in this area. Best, ~CJ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2012 Report Share Posted August 17, 2012 > Operating out of the box makes us unique and is supported in the USA because we are an individualist and capitalist society. I think that acceptance of differences largely depends on the way in which a person operates outside the box. Despite our individualist society, we still expect a certain amount of conformance, especially at the social level. The capitalist aspect of our society is willing to put up with a lot of oddness in people, provided their unique qualities result in turning a profit. Otherwise, they are likely to be seen as business liabilities. Best, ~CJ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2012 Report Share Posted August 17, 2012 I agree. Best. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I think that acceptance of differences largely depends on the way in which a person operates outside the box. Despite our individualist society, we still expect a certain amount of conformance, especially at the social level. The capitalist aspect of our society is willing to put up with a lot of oddness in people, provided their unique qualities result in turning a profit. Otherwise, they are likely to be seen as business liabilities. Best, ~CJ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying. ------------------------------------ " We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony. Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial. We all contribute to the song of life. " ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference. ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list. Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission. When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2012 Report Share Posted August 24, 2012 We still live in a male dominated society, unfortunately. Thus, the idea of passing privilege as it relates to gender. As for disclosure, I've had mixed results. In my last full-time position, a former supervisor said to me, " If you can't get healed of so and so, we don't have a position for you here. " At interviews, disclosing right away left me feeling different. > > Passing Privilege… > I am taking a class on human sexuality and attended a panel discussion today. We had a transgendered female, transgendered male, mother of a gay son and a director of our Human Collation who identifies as Pansexual. They were all awesome! > One student asked about " male privilege? " Hmmm? Kirsten the transgendered female responded. When she was living as a man, she was married with two step children and working in Los Angeles, California as a computer programmer. She was saying she had learned to adopt the role of the Alfa dog and whenever " he " spoke his words were gold, and anything he proposed was implemented immediatly without question. He transitioned on the job and felt the sting of male privilege, because when they saw a woman, his ideas were no longer of value. The Trans male felt the opposite although he was in a different profession, being perceived as male gave creditability to anything he now says. > They mentioned " passing privilege " , anyone that can pass for whatever is perceived to be the status quo or normal has a better time in society of fitting in and not being the target of discrimination from either society or from their own group. > I saw a lot of similarities between autism and those that have a different sexual orientation from the stories they shared and how they responded to questions. Especially their families that was for the most part supportive. It was also a painful reminder of how our rigid belief or value systems as parents can reflect and influence our children. > Some on this board with AS have written about how some autism groups think they are too NT/NS to have the label, or they have adapted so well, they might not received a diagnostic label or a zillion other statements along this thread. > Do you think " passing privilege " applies to our community? Personally, and this is just my humble opinion, I think it does and keeps many from disclosing. Why would you, when you can have the best of both worlds. Disclosing does not happen once in your lifetime, it happens over and over again with different results. > Comments or thoughts? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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