Re: Re: Complete turn-around in relationship

[Guest guest]

Ian says that prior to diagnosis and his asking for support, he was so perplexedat everything, and his (we now know) OCD negative thoughts made him go over and over past hurts to the point he couldn't sleep, and he spent everyday in anguish, not knowing why he didnt connect with people, and why everything he tried failed (in his eyes).

Since his diagnosis and our many investigations and tribulations, he has used prescribed medication to support him through the day so that he can calm his negative thoughts, feel safer, and try not to create too much anxiety for himself. He knows about his AS traits and is almost an evangalist for the condition.

He still sees all life as a chore, NT's as the bain of his AS life, and has high expectations of everything because he truly believes in what he thinks or opines is right, and is constantly disappointed when things don't turn out the way he anticipates.

This is somewhat because of his scripted scenarios, his living out [processes in his head, and not being able to adapt to change or shift his perspective. If his ideal doesn't match up with the actual outcomes, he doesnt know what to do and is very upset.

Another example, he can't deal with bad things, or dire circumstances; in his ideal mind, things should work out, because I have great experience and skills for getting a good salary for my work, and he has talent for writing. However, neither of us have any prospect of work beyond a fortnight's time, I didn't get paid for March because my charity bosses have no funding, and whilst I am living off my stomach ulcer, he doesnt know why I am worried. He thinks that things should work out because we deserve them to, or because the world owes us.

I tell him that, in real life, sh*t happens and we have to be practical, and yes, I hear the nagging tone in my voice as I do so....

He then told me yesterday that what we really need is a nice holiday, and he looked at holiday brochures and suggested we go away soon. I explained that part of the problem (in fact the whole problem) is the lack of funds, meaning not only can we not go on holiday, we can't even afford to stay in our house, or go two miles down the road for an coffee.

He doesn't get it, thinks I am being miserable, killjoy.

So, whilst medication helps him feel calmer, he will never address world problems in the same way that I do, and persists in his criticism of NT's as getting in his way to world dominance; yet he relies on me to get us out of a variety of messes.....

I have to be the rotter, and set out instructions, retain perspective, and hold purse strings really tightly. However, a lot of this is to do with stress - Ian cannot endure any more stress within his already negative, sensory overload portfolio. He has meltdowns when he needs to blow a gasket, and although we manage these, he hates them and is very concerned by this aspect of his AS.

We put the positive spin on his AS and my NT ness, saying that we function as a ying/yang outfit, and respecting each others' contribution - well, most of the time...

Judy B

To: aspires-relationships ; aspires-relationships Sent: Sunday, 1 April 2012, 22:15Subject: Re: Re: Complete turn-around in relationship

Good point.

Many times there are other genuine health or mental health conditions that can get "lost in the fog" of a deteriorating or deteriorated relationship. Although I've been able to get off all mood regulating medications [finally], they were, indeed, necessary to make life tolerable when I had far more demands on my time and attention. It isn't easy finding a medical solution that doesn't have side effects, but if there's a chance that medication -- whether holistic, homeopathic, or alopathic -- would work, why not try it? Example: I've had lifelong challenges in having restful sleep, but finally decided to see whether non addictive, non psychological dependency approaches would work, after nearly seven months of experimenting with changes in schedule, getting-to-sleep habits and experimentation with non-traditional over-the-counter meds from reliable, safe retailers, they

have.

Lots of times folks on the spectrum do develop genuine chronic or situational mental health responses to environmental stressors difficult to deal with. As long as the cure isn't worse then the condition-- on oneself and others --....hey, go for whatever works.

N. Meyer

Re: Complete turn-around in relationship

My relationship turned around for the better when my husband who as ASD started taking antidepressants. He is actually a joy to be around at time -not that everything is perfect, but not having the depression on top of everything else makes a huge difference.-- Kirsten Proffit"You are a piece of the puzzle of someone else's life. You may never know where you fit, but others will fill the holes in their lives with pieces of you."-- Bonnie Arbon