Ron

[Guest guest]

Thanks Courage,

I did something I shouldn't have. I was tired when those messages were coming

through, and although I read them as all the people who just cared for Ron, I

did have a moments hesitation and didn't write the email that should have caught

that message. I did see it and did think about it and fell asleep.

I would agree with you that we all need support and I do think you are right

about the message. I think it might have been been intended as support.

Unfortunately it didn't feel like support to Ron.

Thanks for your and GLadys reminders about " judgements. " It is really ok to

suggest, but otherwise judgements are hard for most of us to hear.

Hugs,

Donna R

Caregave for Mom (after I brought her from WI to MI) for 3 years and 4th year in

a nh.

She was almost 89 when she died in '02. No dx other than mine.

Re: Re: Ron

Hi All,

While I can't talk for Ron (I think he made his position very clear in his

last few emails) I feel I can't continue to remain silent about what I

perceive happened here in hopes that it doesn't happen again.

Elaine, you make a good point about how we sometimes can't pick up the mood

or intention of an email as it is the printed word. However, in this case I

don't think that it was Ron who was unable to " keep that in mind " as

essentially he received an email where he was told that his falling asleep

for a few moments while caring for his mom could be considered " elder abuse "

That is a rather heavy charge in my book. He then received a few

additional emails telling him that it was time to place his mother in care,

that he was too burnt out to be of any use to her.

I was very shocked when I read the " elder abuse " statement, especially since

it came from a caregiver here who is known to have a very large and

understanding heart. I'm thinking that she was very stressed out about

things going on in her and her LO's life at that particular time.

There is a world of difference between elder abuse and falling asleep for a

few minutes because one is tired. I'm sure if we took a poll we would find

quite a few caregivers who would admit to zoning out while caring for their

LO - I've done it once or twice myself. Mom would be sitting on her lazy

boy chair watching TV and I would fall asleep for a few minutes on the sofa.

If someone suggested to me that this was elder abuse I would be mad, hell,

I'd be open for business!

There are caregivers on this list who often leave their LO's at home during

the day while they work or for a few hours while they grab some time for

themselves or go grocery shopping yet they have never been accused of elder

abuse or told to place their LO in care. Why did Ron get such unsupportive

responses for those few minutes when we compare them to the hours that other

LO's are left alone?

I wish I could say that this was the only time Ron received less than

supportive emails but sadly I can't. Is this because Ron has been honest

and has shared his occasional feelings of being stuck and/or physical

ailments with us while being a caregiver? I hope not as so many of us here

have shared these exact same feelings and have received a lot of support

rather than hurtful replies. I don't have to go into the archives to know

that I wrote lots of emails sharing my feelings of frustration, of feeling

stuck and even exhaustion while I was caring for my mom.

And as for physical ailments while being a caregiver I walked into my mom's

house on that first day in pretty good physical condition and by the time I

stopped being a hands on caregiver I was eating Tylenol # 3 like candy for

extreme joint pain and didn't have a hair left on my entire body due to

stress. I know for a fact that I would not have appreciated receiving the

types of emails Ron got even though I knew that I was falling apart at the

seams. I was determined to care for my mom come hell or high water - a

feeling I believe that Ron shares. There is also the issue of " if not me,

then who " which is something that Ron is dealing with as well. For many

reasons our siblings could not or would not participate in the care of our

LO. I got lots of support from the caregivers who where here on this list

at that time and it made a world of difference to me. Just by being able to

vent I was able to release some of that stress and it helped me to ready for

another day of caregiving. I know that my stress levels would have hit the

roof if the responses were less than supportive and I more than likely would

have left the group too. I am awfully sorry that Ron did not always get the

same supportive responses.

For my part, I have saved Gladys' email and will read it over and over again

the next time someone writes something that makes me want to respond in a

less than support way. On the whole, this is a terrific supportive group

and I pray that we continue to be so. I also hope that Ron rejoins the

group as he is deserving of support, as we all are.

Courage

Re: Ron

What I try to remember when reading messages, and even my personal

emails, is that things sound different when not being said face-to

face. When I went back to read Ron's last message, I got the feeling

that he didn't keep that in mind and felt hurt. Elaine from Michigan

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

Just got a call from Ron and he said that the surgery went well. He's in pain

but is going to be resting for the next little while.

Hope you heal quickly Ron.

Best to you, your mom and

Courage

[Guest guest]

Praise God! Thank you, Courage for letting us know.

Gladys

-- Ron

Hi All,

Just got a call from Ron and he said that the surgery went well. He's in

pain but is going to be resting for the next little while.

Hope you heal quickly Ron.

Best to you, your mom and

Courage