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[Guest guest]

Hello again,

I was talking with my partner this morning and I told him that I suspected he is

on the spectrum. He told me that he can't be because it is a developmental

disease and he is past that stage. He said that people can only be diagnosed as

children so therefore he doesn't have it. This makes no sense to me. Help?

> >

> > Hi there,

> > I recently joined the group too. I suspect my partner has aspergers, I

tried talking to him about it but he got mad.

> >

> > I think it's great your husband got the diagnosis. How did it come about?

Was he open to talking about it?

> >

> > Thanks.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I wonder if what your heard is what he said. Did you mirror your version back to him?--

 

Hello again,

I was talking with my partner this morning and I told him that I suspected he is on the spectrum. He told me that he can't be because it is a developmental disease and he is past that stage. He said that people can only be diagnosed as children so therefore he doesn't have it. This makes no sense to me. Help?

[Guest guest]

> This is a very Aspie response in my opinion. The going to his computer and

focusing on minute details. If he does have Asperger's then he WILL

see/understand things very differently than you. Maybe have him go over some of

the research he has done and ask him to explain why he has drawn the conclusions

he has drawn. Most Aspies are very logical, even if the logic does not make

sense to us.

I was thinking that too when I read her post. Depending on how

threatened he feels about being associated with the AS label, he may

also hyperfocus on the details that support his position, making a

logical case *against* an AS diagnosis. But then, that's a common

reaction of those in denial (about anything), whether they be Aspie or NS.

> If he is like my husband...If you push him, he will withdraw. Usually I

schedule a talk with my husband when it is something he really does not want to

hear. It gives him time to prepare so he doesn't feel cornered. You can do your

research and then present him with what you find. My husband was the same way

because he felt that Asperger's was a diagnosis that would be treated like a

form of mental retardation. I was able to bring him to lectures, read books and

show him examples of why I thought he was an Aspie. We did have decide to agree

to disagree for awhile when he first rejected the idea. I just believed that he

had it and learned how I could change MY behavior to make things better.

In my experience, this approach seems to work best. Until a person is

ready to examine certain aspects of their behavior, they are only likely

to become defensive (and perhaps even angry) if others continue to push

the subject.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

This is so true of me and my marriage at the

time. We had different skill sets when it came to AS and

different time tables of the road to the mountain. It is

easier to look back on your life and critique it through a

different lens, then make the changes one needs to do at

the time as you are so caught up in the moment.

Truer words were never spoken... sigh. Although I'm not sure our

skill sets with respect to AS were different, as neither of us were

even aware of the condition's existence at that time.

Ultimately, people stumble along doing the best they can with the

tools and insights available to them at the time. Which can lead to

some erroneous assumptions about a spouse's motivations and

behavior, as perception tends to be based upon our histories and the

limitations of our current knowledge. The more one is convinced

that their assessment is correct at the time, the more likely that

one may be to make life-changing decisions based upon the

conclusions drawn (erroneous or not).

Of course, long-term burn-out, resentment, and anger probably

doesn't help things any. Once a lifelong codependent decides that

they want to be codependent-no-more, they may be inclined to make

radical course corrections in their life, at least for awhile. For

most, the pendulum will swing back toward the middle as they gain a

more holistic perspective, yet this doesn't usually occur until the

relationship is beyond recovery.

AS/NT relationships are not in the text books in

Universities at this time, but hopefully that will change

over time as there are several research projects waiting in

the wings that have not been published. BUT, I am sure when

the first study is published it will cause a flurry

regardless of their results. Social norms take years to

shift. We are still fighting civil rights and equality for

women and autism rights are just in its infancy. Change

never comes fast enough for the folks that feel the

inequality the most. I like to think that there is more

intelligent life on another planet, because surely we are

not it. <wink>

Agreed, . Major social changes take decades (and sometimes

more) to implement. And they still remain susceptible to losing

ground gained (e.g., reproductive rights).

I like your comment "Change never comes fast enough for the folks that feel the

inequality the most". To those who suffer, it seems like

forever, and they may never see significant change in their

generation, or even lifetime.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

Of course, long-term burn-out, resentment, and anger probably doesn't help things any. Once a lifelong codependent decides that they want to be codependent-no-more, they may be inclined to make radical course corrections in their life, at least for awhile. For most, the pendulum will swing back toward the middle as they gain a more holistic perspective, yet this doesn't usually occur until the relationship is beyond recovery. There are some on this list that have positive AS/NT relationships and have shared them with us. They have somehow figured it out and share their strategies. Yesterday, I called my father. How many 58 year old daughters can wish their father a happy 21st birthday? He is a leap year baby with Alzheimer’s. My mother says, he has totally lost his memory, but whenever I talk to him on the phone, he is as sharp as a tack for the moment in the moment. I am so grateful to my mother who takes such good care of my dad. She mentioned a nursing home in the conversation related to someone else in the family and I said, are you considering placing dad in a nursing home and said, no. Not as long as I breath air. He has a huge house to roam in and we have a computer with games on it to stimulate his mind. She is now literally his nurse and care giver. This is the role she choose and does it like she breathes air as he was the love of her life and they went through bad times and lived to tell the tale. I was telling her, THANK YOU for taking such good care of my father. Life is a journey and sometime it is reconciling with your past. It can mean your childhood and friends and situations as you travel through your life. Maybe if I went left instead of right, maybe if I was a better daughter/son or wife/husband, my life would be different. Maybe I should have made better choices at the time. We can’t change the past and never let your memories be greater than your dreams. Life is a journey and we learn as we stumble through it. There have been many in the public life that have written books and said, my childhood was what it was and this is where I am now. It is not what life is, it is what you do with life challenges, and the choices we make and they will not always be good ones and that is called life. We learn as we live. Just my 2 cents worth as usual.