Re: Complete turn-around in relationship

[Guest guest]

Also, on the medication front, Jon gets anxiety and angry feelings, so has been

on very low dose of antidepressant for years, after trying to come off it, and

getting very angry. Recently, due to years of having at least 3 nights with

disturbed sleep due to unidentifiable panic feelings, where he didn't know why

he was waking in the middle of the night in a right panic, and stress, we've

been trying out different relaxation and de-stressing activities, with little

reward.

I suggested he go to the GP and explain suspected AS and anxiety/stress

symptoms. They put up his dose of antidepressant a little, and he's a new man.

Much happier in himself, but it's natural not druggy. He's sleeping all through

the night, even after or before a bad day at work, and given big stresses of

preparing to move to Germany, he's coping remarkably well, along with still

using the non-drug coping mechanisms, such as keeping me updated on what's going

on at work, and how he feels, using me as a sounding board, a little relaxation

meditation and walking the daft dogs with me. I think drugs are just a part of

the picture, that a (w)hol(e)istic approach to personal wellbeing is essential,

not just for AS. It's accross the board.

In my own example, I am working on getting stable with medication, but starting

at the minimum, and working up slowly, to see what the least dose I can get away

with is. It appears to be working well, and helping me stay alert, (mostly!).

The drugs I take knock me out at night, but I seem to be fine on them. I have

other meds that I have to take during the day to calm me down, but they make me

sleepy and I am planning to phase them out, when all else is stable. It's

complicated, but it's a case of being assertive about what you want. I would

rather be on a lower dose and use lots of coping skills too. But then some

people don't feel as keen as me to work so hard at looking after themselves, and

that's fine too.

I do find that my attitude is slowly wearing off on Jon too, so he's more

motivated, as he can see me feeling better, and as he tries new things, albeit

cautiously, he's reaping the benefits himself.

Just my side of things!

>

> Ian says that prior to diagnosis and his asking for support, he was so

perplexedat everything, and his (we now know) OCD negative thoughts made him go

over and over past hurts to the point he couldn't sleep, and he spent everyday

in anguish, not knowing why he didnt connect with people, and why everything he

tried failed (in his eyes).

>  

> Since his diagnosis and our many investigations and tribulations, he has used

prescribed medication to support him through the day so that he can calm his

negative thoughts, feel safer, and  try not to create too much anxiety for

himself. He knows about his AS traits and is almost an evangalist for the

condition.

>  

> He still sees all life as a chore, NT's as the bain of his AS life, and has

high expectations of everything because he truly believes in what he thinks or

opines is right, and is constantly disappointed when things don't turn out the

way he anticipates.

>  

> This is somewhat because of his scripted scenarios, his living out

[processes in his head, and not being able to adapt to change or shift his

perspective. If his ideal doesn't match up with the actual outcomes, he doesnt

know what to do and is very upset.

>  

> Another example, he can't deal with bad things, or dire circumstances; in his

ideal mind, things should work out, because I have great experience and skills

for getting a good salary for my work, and he has talent for writing. However,

neither of us have any prospect of work beyond a fortnight's time, I didn't get

paid for March because my charity bosses have no funding, and whilst I am living

off my stomach ulcer, he doesnt know why I am worried. He thinks that things

should work out because we deserve them to, or because the world owes us.

>  

> I tell him that, in real life, sh*t happens and we have to be practical, and

yes, I hear the nagging tone in my voice as I do so....

>  

> He then told me yesterday that what we really need is a nice holiday, and he

looked at holiday brochures and suggested we go away soon. I explained that part

of the problem (in fact the whole problem) is the lack of funds, meaning not

only can we not go on holiday, we can't even afford to stay in our house, or go

two miles down the road for an coffee.

>  

> He doesn't get it, thinks I am being miserable, killjoy.

>  

> So, whilst medication helps him feel calmer, he will never address world

problems in the same way that I do, and persists in his criticism of NT's as

getting in his way to world dominance; yet he relies on me to get us out of a

variety of messes.....

>  

> I have to be the rotter, and set out instructions, retain perspective, and

hold purse strings really tightly. However, a lot of this is to do with stress -

Ian cannot endure any more stress within his already negative, sensory overload

portfolio. He has meltdowns when he needs to blow a gasket, and although we

manage these, he hates them and is very concerned by this aspect of his AS.

>  

> We put the positive spin on his AS and my NT ness, saying that we function as

a ying/yang outfit, and respecting each others' contribution - well, most of the

time...

>  

> Judy B

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> ________________________________

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> To: aspires-relationships ;

aspires-relationships

> Sent: Sunday, 1 April 2012, 22:15

> Subject: Re: Re: Complete turn-around in relationship

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> Good point.

> Many times there are other genuine health or mental health conditions that can

get " lost in the fog " of a deteriorating or deteriorated relationship. Although

I've been able to get off all mood regulating medications [finally], they were,

indeed, necessary to make life tolerable when I had far more demands on my time

and attention. It isn't easy finding a medical solution that doesn't have side

effects, but if there's a chance that medication -- whether holistic,

homeopathic, or alopathic -- would work, why not try it? Example: I've had

lifelong challenges in having restful sleep, but finally decided to see whether

non addictive, non psychological dependency approaches would work, after nearly

seven months of experimenting with changes in schedule, getting-to-sleep habits

and experimentation with non-traditional over-the-counter meds from reliable,

safe retailers, they have.

> Lots of times folks on the spectrum do develop genuine chronic or situational

mental health responses to environmental stressors difficult to deal with. As

long as the cure isn't worse then the condition-- on oneself and others

--....hey, go for whatever works.

> N. Meyer

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> Re: Complete turn-around in relationship

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> >My relationship turned around for the better when my husband who as ASD

started taking antidepressants.  He is actually a joy to be around at time -not

that everything is perfect, but not having the depression on top of everything

else makes a huge difference.

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> >

> >--

> >Kirsten Proffit

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> > " You are a piece of the puzzle of someone else's life. You may never know

where you fit, but others will fill the holes in their lives with pieces of

you. "

> >-- Bonnie Arbon

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