Re: Complete turn-around in relationship [First post]

[Guest guest]

I've been reading the dialogue on this with interest. Becky, I am curious to

know how you don't get discouraged, tired, and deflated from having to repeat to

your partner what types of behavior won't want to make you be in a relationship

with him. I feel like you are probably right; constantly stating your

needs/expectations to your partner may be the only way to keep going. What I

struggle with is *how* one keeps doing that without burning out. Personally, I

don't have an endless well of patience (particularly for restating what I feel

is obvious), so I would be eager to know where you find the ongoing energy to

keep being so strong in this way. I could use some pointers!

Jill

> >

> > Hello all, and thank you for welcoming me into this community.

> >

> > I apologize for the wall of text! This is my first post and I have something

of a breakthrough to communicate to all of you.

> >

> > I'm a 28 year old woman, a literature student at the PhD level in Montreal,

Canada. I'm currently in a relationship with a 29 year old man, a music &

programming graduate at the Master's level. We have always discussed and

suspected that he might have Asperger's, but until this day he remains

undiagnosed.

> >

> > We've had difficult times. Constant arguing, frustration on both parts. I

should mention that my boyfriend is not so deeply affected in social areas. He

understands and uses sarcasm, and after a few drinks he seems completely normal.

This adds to the " Cassandra syndrome " in that the friends I'm not as close to

find that Asperger's is a quick diagnosis. " Your boyfriend is perfectly normal, "

they say, " he jokes around with me all the time " . Well, he's not. He rarely ever

looks me in the eye, he answers odd things when I use expressions instead of

very literal language ( " Would you like to do this for me " vs. " Please do this

for me " yields VERY different answers... " Hm, let me think, no I don't think I

would like that, no " ), etc. I won't embark on a thorough list of his mannerisms

as I'm sure most of you know them all too well already.

> >

> > Anyway, my point is, we had a serious falling out lately. I told him to

leave the house despite him having nowhere to go and little money. He had been

living at my place, out of necessity but also out of love, for a while. But

recently I had been very unhappy and communicating this to him constantly, with

little to no change at all on his part. Eventually I decided that if he hadn't

managed to become independent of me, it wasn't my responsibility to baby him and

keep him in my house if I felt like the relationship wasn't bringing me anything

good anymore. And so he left the house and spent nights in coffee shops and

youth hostels for some days. I felt terrible about it, but I had to remember I

wasn't responsible for him, or for the choices he made that led him to not be

able to care for himself properly.

> >

> > This led to a complete turnaround. We kept communicating, and he accepted

the Asperger's home-diagnosis in a way he hadn't before. He expressed this as

having to accept that his thought process was atypical, and to realize that he

wasn't going to function so long as he was angry at other people for not

functioning the way he does. His former obsession with work, which left me

feeling lonely and nagging for a substantial relationship, has mutated into an

awareness that programming all the time made him into a " number cruncher " and

not much else, whereas he is also a rather creative creature - with a bachelor's

in music playing cello, and a lifelong hobby of creating electronic music. He

realized that doing nothing but work left little space for inspiration, and that

his life would be more efficient if he kept certain times in his life for other

activities, from leisure to cooking and cleaning with me.

> >

> > He has moved back in, but this time it isn't because I feel bad for him.

It's because I enjoy his company again. He has stopped fighting me about

everything, has started really hearing me out and trying to understand when I

express my feelings and frustrations. Myself, I have also been trying to

communicate more clearly, with literal language, and I interpret his sometimes

odd behaviour less as signs of him not caring for me, and more as symptoms of a

neurological condition. It hasn't been that long, but I know once he puts his

mind to something, he isn't likely to just let go. He's very obstinate when

trying to resolve a problem.

> >

> > So, this is my story of hope. It wasn't a formal diagnosis that led us here,

but the acceptance on both our parts that he has Aspie-like traits, and that I

will never see things the way he does.

> >

> > I hope this can inspire some of you struggling with this in your

relationships!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hiya Moana,

I would suggest something like having an 'A' card - like giving him a sport red

or yellow card. I used the 'teenager' example as well, for some of his moody

and defensive/aggressive behaviour - 'oh come on, grow up, you donut' and so on,

to be honest, I would recommend that you sit down with a glass of wine, a bit of

paper and a pen, and chat together about what you can say, as it needs to be

natural for you, so it comes easily, and it needs to be something that will

'break through' to his mind, when he's 'off again'! It's kind of a way of

having a time out card.

I am really glad that my contributions have been useful to you, feel free to ask

more questions, there's such a wealth of knowledge here!

> > > > >

> > > > > Hello all, and thank you for welcoming me into this community.

> > > > >

> > > > > I apologize for the wall of text! This is my first post and I have

something of a breakthrough to communicate to all of you.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm a 28 year old woman, a literature student at the PhD level in

Montreal, Canada. I'm currently in a relationship with a 29 year old man, a

music & programming graduate at the Master's level. We have always discussed and

suspected that he might have Asperger's, but until this day he remains

undiagnosed.

> > > > >

> > > > > We've had difficult times. Constant arguing, frustration on both

parts. I should mention that my boyfriend is not so deeply affected in social

areas. He understands and uses sarcasm, and after a few drinks he seems

completely normal. This adds to the " Cassandra syndrome " in that the friends I'm

not as close to find that Asperger's is a quick diagnosis. " Your boyfriend is

perfectly normal, " they say, " he jokes around with me all the time " . Well, he's

not. He rarely ever looks me in the eye, he answers odd things when I use

expressions instead of very literal language ( " Would you like to do this for me "

vs. " Please do this for me " yields VERY different answers... " Hm, let me think,

no I don't think I would like that, no " ), etc. I won't embark on a thorough list

of his mannerisms as I'm sure most of you know them all too well already.

> > > > >

> > > > > Anyway, my point is, we had a serious falling out lately. I told him

to leave the house despite him having nowhere to go and little money. He had

been living at my place, out of necessity but also out of love, for a while. But

recently I had been very unhappy and communicating this to him constantly, with

little to no change at all on his part. Eventually I decided that if he hadn't

managed to become independent of me, it wasn't my responsibility to baby him and

keep him in my house if I felt like the relationship wasn't bringing me anything

good anymore. And so he left the house and spent nights in coffee shops and

youth hostels for some days. I felt terrible about it, but I had to remember I

wasn't responsible for him, or for the choices he made that led him to not be

able to care for himself properly.

> > > > >

> > > > > This led to a complete turnaround. We kept communicating, and he

accepted the Asperger's home-diagnosis in a way he hadn't before. He expressed

this as having to accept that his thought process was atypical, and to realize

that he wasn't going to function so long as he was angry at other people for not

functioning the way he does. His former obsession with work, which left me

feeling lonely and nagging for a substantial relationship, has mutated into an

awareness that programming all the time made him into a " number cruncher " and

not much else, whereas he is also a rather creative creature - with a bachelor's

in music playing cello, and a lifelong hobby of creating electronic music. He

realized that doing nothing but work left little space for inspiration, and that

his life would be more efficient if he kept certain times in his life for other

activities, from leisure to cooking and cleaning with me.

> > > > >

> > > > > He has moved back in, but this time it isn't because I feel bad for

him. It's because I enjoy his company again. He has stopped fighting me about

everything, has started really hearing me out and trying to understand when I

express my feelings and frustrations. Myself, I have also been trying to

communicate more clearly, with literal language, and I interpret his sometimes

odd behaviour less as signs of him not caring for me, and more as symptoms of a

neurological condition. It hasn't been that long, but I know once he puts his

mind to something, he isn't likely to just let go. He's very obstinate when

trying to resolve a problem.

> > > > >

> > > > > So, this is my story of hope. It wasn't a formal diagnosis that led us

here, but the acceptance on both our parts that he has Aspie-like traits, and

that I will never see things the way he does.

> > > > >

> > > > > I hope this can inspire some of you struggling with this in your

relationships!

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Judy,

As always wonderfully eloquent, and in fact really reflecting where we are

going. It's so far beyond 'good' or 'bad'. It's working out what works best

for us as a couple, and in the main about collaboration.

Jon gets afraid about telling me certain things, because he seems to think that

I will react in a negative way, and I think that with time this will improve, as

at least his is now bringing up these issues, and I work hard to be open minded

and respond in a non-judgemental way, and I am clear with him about how I do

feel, which is usually a million miles from his anticipated reaction, so I hope

gradually he will get over it with me at least, he does get this problem at work

and with his family too, so it's nothing personal, but it is about metering my

responses, so that Jon doesn't shut down, as it can really just take one off day

for me, to send us right back to the beginning in some ways, as it really

affects him and he struggles to let it go.

But we're learning to be kind to eachother - I love the way you describe it,

that he has the compass and you have the map - that's so true, and such a good

analogy.

Take Care,

> >

> > > Gotta agree with Helen here.

> > >

> > > Logic does not secure or sustain a committed relationship. Love does.

> >

> > , Helen,

> >

> >    Yes,  I can agree with you both that love and respect are the

> > momentum elements that should keep a relationship going,  and I'll add

> > that that becomes particularly significant when the road is uphill.

> >

> > Aspie logic and rationality,  though, are like kind of mountainous

> > terrain that can introduce uphill gradients for NTs,  especially when an

> > NT's emotions are dominant.

> >

> > Love is such a subjective concept and for me personally it's quite a

> > difficult one,  but I'm pretty sure it's not an inexhaustible element

> > that can be relied upon to provide the necessary momentum forever.  It's

> > more like a fire.  It needs to be tended and fed every so often,  and it

> > can quite easily be extinguished with a bucket of cold water!

> >

> > > Love involves a level of non-self-referential blind trust, and if both

partners are not on board with this notion, there's ultimately nothing in it for

the partner experiencing constant deprivation.

> >

> > OK,  but I'd argue that having to resort repetitively to blind trust and

> > do things for your partner that you don't particularly like or don't

> > understand,  is like going uphill;  it slowly uses up the available

> > momentum and will eventually become exhausted unless some perceived

> > benefit for the individual comes out of it.  Could be lucky and come to

> > a downhill stretch for a while,  but basically in the longer run the

> > fire needs to be restoked or new energy put in somehow.

> >

> > > Long-term relationships, such as family relationships, thrive on

commitment and a sense of duty to others that has a logical component to it, but

only as " a starter.

> >

> > Yes,  absolutely agreed.  That sense of duty is like a length of rope.

> >  It can only be extended so far,  and then it reaches its limit.

> >

> > " It's like what's environmentally necessary to keep a sour-dough

> > starter alive when making French bread. Kill the spark, and there goes

> > the batch AND one's claim to the product.

> >

> > To my mind.  the fire of love needs more than just a simple spark to

> > maintain it.  It needs to be refuelled and it needs to be protected from

> > the rain.

> >

> > Just a few thoughts,  anyway.

> >

> >   

> >

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

>             " We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are

like a symphony.

> Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony

> It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.

> We all contribute to the song of life. "

>                       ...Sondra

>

> We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.

>

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