Re: Should I tell my husband that I believe he has Aspergers?

[Guest guest]

Leigh Ann,I think not only would you be doing your husband a disservice by keeping him out of the loop, but yourself, as well. I am in a very similar situation, 56 NT, and he's 62 AS, and new to this group. We've spent thousands of dollars on therapists over a 20 year period, only to have a diagnosis just months ago. I have strongly suspected for 10 years this was the root of our challenge as a couple, but now that it's been confirmed, we both feel a huge sense of relief. Now we know just what we're working with, and beginning to educate ourselves about how best to move forward. It feels like a new beginning. I do believe your husband, and you as a couple, can only benefit in sharing that knowledge and a commitment to work together.Best,Michele

A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because I was depressed and very unhappy with my marriage. My husband went to a therapy session a couple of times, after which the therapist told me she believed he has Aspergers. I began reading about the condition and it was a huge revelation to me. It was my husband. Knowing this has helped me so much to understand him. My therapist believes that my husband should not be told that I believe he has Aspergers, that I should just be very patient and understanding of him. She believes that I should just work on myself, which I have been doing for the past 2 years. He is 63 years old and we have been married 32 years and have two children. The therapist says he would be blown away by a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am 7 years younger than he is and we both are healthy. Even though I no longer am depressed and we are getting along better, I feel like we could have a better marriage if we were both working on

understanding each other. I long to have a closer connection with my husband and I don't feel like he understands where I am coming from at all. I have read two books by Maxine Aston, and she recommends that both partners know the diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding this information from him. I would like to hear what others think about me gently letting him know what I believe.

[Guest guest]

Hello Leigh Ann,

If you are feeling deceitful and believe that your marriage would benefit from

having this information out in the open, I think you should probably follow your

gut feeling and slowly start steering towards the direction of letting him know.

I think you should probably share this with your therapist. If she isn't closed

minded and totalitarian, she will recognize your need and possibly help you in

your endeavour to bring this to your husband's attention.

If she remains adamant that he should not be informed, remember that no two

Aspies are alike. Perhaps she understands something about your husband that

makes her believe he would react negatively - I hear this is sometimes the case,

sometimes a diagnosis makes things worse instead of better, this depends on the

individual. But in this case I would recommend getting a second opinion, finding

another therapist and maybe introducing your husband to this new person and

seeing what they think about it.

Personally, I also believe a relationship's success cannot rest solely on one

person's work and commitment. One way or another, I think your husband should

probably be told, or at least told enough that he will start working on his side

of things.

If you decide to go ahead and let him know, my only piece of advice is: DO IT

SLOWLY. Aspies in general tend to process information very slowly, and if my

boyfriend is any representative at all, they distrust pre-formed opinions. You

may feel like everything you've read ressembles your husband so much that you

are sure he is an Aspie, but he hasn't seen the evidence yet and he may need to

come to this conclusion himself or hear a professional say it.

My own boyfriend isn't very self-aware and even though the description of your

average Aspie describes him to a T, he often says that descriptions of

personality disorders or psychological conditions are like horoscopes, and that

one can read a description of themselves in pretty much anything if they really

want to. (Nevermind the fact that nobody could ever recognize him in the

description of, say, Borderline Personality Disorder, but whatever.)

My point is, it's sometimes difficult to get Aspies to " buy " into the diagnosis.

They are sometimes skeptical and this is normal - wouldn't you be if your spouse

popped up and said " I believe you have this psychological condition and should

get with the program " ?

So in short, my advice would be: Don't spring this onto him, and don't tell him

you believe he is an Aspie. Lead the horse to water. Over time, find a reason to

discuss Autism and Asperger's, I don't know, talk about a friend's friend who

has an Aspie or Autistic child, watch a documentary with him, something. Let him

make the connexion with himself first, don't try to explicitly convince him at

first. He may need a while to process this information, especially since it may

be linked to a lifetime of anxiety and incomprehension, some heavy emotional

stuff, etc.

I hope this helps!

M.

>

> A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because I was depressed and

very unhappy with my marriage. My husband went to a therapy session a couple of

times, after which the therapist told me she believed he has Aspergers. I began

reading about the condition and it was a huge revelation to me. It was my

husband. Knowing this has helped me so much to understand him. My therapist

believes that my husband should not be told that I believe he has Aspergers,

that I should just be very patient and understanding of him. She believes that

I should just work on myself, which I have been doing for the past 2 years. He

is 63 years old and we have been married 32 years and have two children. The

therapist says he would be blown away by a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am

7 years younger than he is and we both are healthy. Even though I no longer am

depressed and we are getting along better, I feel like we could have a better

marriage if we were both working on understanding each other. I long to have a

closer connection with my husband and I don't feel like he understands where I

am coming from at all. I have read two books by Maxine Aston, and she recommends

that both partners know the diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding this information

from him. I would like to hear what others think about me gently letting him

know what I believe.

>

[Guest guest]

leigh_ann55 wrote:

> A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because I was

> depressed and very unhappy with my marriage.

That was *me* - a few *decades* ago - but for sure *I* am the AS half of

our marriage.

> My husband went to a

> therapy session a couple of times, after which the therapist told me

> she believed he has Aspergers. I began reading about the condition

> and it was a huge revelation to me. It was my husband. Knowing this

> has helped me so much to understand him.

That was my wife, almost exactly ten years ago. She kept her mouth shut.

All things considered, she needn't have.

> My therapist believes that

> my husband should not be told that I believe he has Aspergers, that I

> should just be very patient and understanding of him. She believes

> that I should just work on myself, which I have been doing for the

> past 2 years. He is 63 years old and we have been married 32 years

> and have two children.

You could at least hold your counsel for awhile. Nothing hurt by

waiting for a better time?

There's a lot to be said for and against both sides of the issue.

I believe you must decide on the basis of the TRUST each of you has

placed in the other. How much? How firmly held?

Only you can determine what's right for you --- it's not a rule-based

decision. Shouldn't be.

> The therapist says he would be blown away by

> a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am 7 years younger than he is

> and we both are healthy. Even though I no longer am depressed and we

> are getting along better, I feel like we could have a better marriage

> if we were both working on understanding each other. I long to have a

> closer connection with my husband and I don't feel like he

> understands where I am coming from at all. I have read two books by

> Maxine Aston, and she recommends that both partners know the

> diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding this information from him. I

> would like to hear what others think about me gently letting him know

> what I believe.

I'm 80, she's 70 - married 45 years. I've three adult children from an

earlier 10-year marriage; she has none.

On *my* initiative, I learned *for sure* that I was Aspergian six years

ago. ...Though I'd suspected something along those lines for decades:

" ...since I was three " .

I shared that with my wife, of course. Then we compared notes.

What had been an increasingly rocky marriage in downward

death-spiral turned right around. Fast; under one year. Now we have

(again) as good (and happy) a marriage as anyone's -- *better* than many

we know well. It's been six years, and keeps getting better.

There's a lot more I could add. Too much. Feel free to ask questions

off-list if you want.

-Bill ...AS, retired geneticist

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

I'd like to add a little something to the conversation. Many of the messages

here, in fact most of them, base their answer on what the potentially AS

husband's needs are. Whether he should be told, needs to be told, wants to be

told...

Nobody has considered how Leigh Ann is feeling in their answer.

I'd just like to say: if this secret is poisoning her, if knowing this and

having to hide it from the person she shares her everyday life with is hurting

her, this should count for something.

Of course the husband should be considered but he is not the only one this

affects.

Leigh Ann, of course use your head, but listen to your heart as well. You have

to take care of yourself in this, too. Your feelings are valid, and important to

consider. You deserve to be happy

M. xx

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > A couple of years ago, I began seeing a therapist because I was depressed

> > and very unhappy with my marriage. My husband went to a therapy session a

> > couple of times, after which the therapist told me she believed he has

> > Aspergers. I began reading about the condition and it was a huge revelation

> > to me. It was my husband. Knowing this has helped me so much to understand

> > him. My therapist believes that my husband should not be told that I

> > believe he has Aspergers, that I should just be very patient and

> > understanding of him. She believes that I should just work on myself, which

> > I have been doing for the past 2 years. He is 63 years old and we have been

> > married 32 years and have two children. The therapist says he would be

> > blown away by a diagnosis at this stage of life. I am 7 years younger than

> > he is and we both are healthy. Even though I no longer am depressed and we

> > are getting along better, I feel like we could have a better marriage if we

> > were both working on understanding each other. I long to have a closer

> > connection with my husband and I don't feel like he understands where I am

> > coming from at all. I have read two books by Maxine Aston, and she

> > recommends that both partners know the diagnosis. I feel deceitful hiding

> > this information from him. I would like to hear what others think about me

> > gently letting him know what I believe.

> >

> >

> >

>