New to the list (long)

[Guest guest]

My name is Aimee, and I suspect that my husband that my husband of

nearly 5 years is on the autism spectrum. I don't think that he feels

that anything is the matter. I've approached him about couples therapy

before, and he rejected it. If he is truly somewhere in the autism

spectrum, I doubt that it will ever be formally diagnosed. I am mostly

looking for support and ideas on how to cope. We also have a preschool

aged daughter, and I worry about their relationship.

I've always suspected that something was off with my husband. It's

like he's pretending to be a person, but really isn't one, if that

makes any sense. He's like Data from Star Trek, but he gets the human

impersonation thing wrong more often than not. I joked with my family

that since he's adopted, maybe he's really an alien replicant that was

left here as a baby to study humans. Haha, funny. It's how he acts. I

giggle at the Dexter books by Jeff because they remind me of

my husband. Not because he's a killer obviously, but Dexter attempting

to act normal and being completely baffled by normal human behavior. I

have wondered if this is how my husband looks at the world.

It sounds stupid the way that my lightbulb finally went off, but it

was after finally watching an episode of The Big Bang Theory (I

apologize if this is a polarizing show, as I can see how it could be).

So many people have said how much they love it. A friend that works

with special needs kids was always mentioning this " Sheldon " character

as reminding her of her ASD students. So, I finally watched an

episode. Yes, it was funny, but mostly I was creeped out. I realize

that he is a caricature, but his mannerisms, the speech, so much

reminded me of my husband. Just give him an English background instead

of Science, and there you have him. To add insult to injury, Sheldon

was even wearing an exact match of my husband's favorite t-shirt

featuring his favorite comic book character. The neighbor lady even

referred to him as " Mr. Robot Man, " which is something that I call my

husband when I'm venting to friends.

I did some reading on the web of discussions on Sheldon's character,

and most of them mentioned Asperger Syndrome. So, I went and purchased

the eBook (so that he can't see what I'm reading!) of The Partner's

Guide to Asperger Syndrome. I am in tears. The case studies are us. I

am a bit worried that was hiding under my couch watching us to

write this book. This all makes so much sense. We have had a lot of

issues, mostly in regards to his weird habits, robotic personality,

inability to communicate, and being so completely inconsiderate of

others. I am lucky though that he doesn't seem to have emotional

outbursts. I can count on my fingers how many times I've seen him

crack that robotic exterior since we were married.

My husband and I went to high school together, but we weren't friends

then. I remember him being very shy. We got back in touch over the

internet, and did the long distance thing for a while. When we were

dating, he was SOOOO attentive and into me. When I'd come to visit, it

was all about me. The world revolved around me. So much awesome

enthusiasm, but at the same time a little bit weird and awkward. He

was fun, affectionate, and all about me. Then shortly after we got

married, it was like I was a toy that wasn't fun anymore, and Mr.

Self-Centered Robot came out. He's a completely different person than

the man I married.

My husband is successful in his career. He answers to a board of

trustees, but otherwise he's the boss. He is known and liked in his

field throughout the state, and has sat on high level committees and

offices in the state associations. I've talked to people in his field.

They report that he is the ultimate professional, bordering on

uptight. He was a big mystery for a long time, and people were

surprised to find out that he was getting married.

We never have sex unless I initiate it. I don't think he ever has. He

can behave very effeminate, and one day after so much frustration I

flat out asked him if he was gay. Instead of getting insulted like

most men would, he just very matter of fact told me, " I wouldn't say

that. I find penises revulsive. " No emotion, like I'd just asked his

opinion on a brand of batteries. I asked if he enjoyed sex and he said

yes. I asked why he never initiates it and he had no answer.

I cannot carry on a normal conversation with him unless it's about one

of his favorite subjects. He will go on and on and on and on about

teas, bowling, and superheroes. He knows every type of tea grown in

the world. He doesn't just know about superheroes. He can recite issue

numbers and dates of comics from when they first appeared or did

certain things.If not one of these topics, it's harder than talking to

our small child. His sense of humor is just, weird. He laughs at

weird, random things that make no sense. Things that 99% of the

population finds hysterical have no effect on him. He loves old

slapstick comedy, silent films in particular. And, old Duck

cartoons, which he and our daughter have been bonding over. The one

thing that will really get him laughing is when I am really, really

angry with him. Like, I'm inches from stabbing him to death and he

starts to laugh. I used to wonder if it was a defense mechanism. But,

maybe I look like Duck when I'm really freaking out.

One thing that he did recently that threw me off the edge was that he

decided to take a new college class but didn't tell me. His DAD told

me about it. This happens all the time. I find out about stuff from

his family instead of him telling me. The classes are on the some

nights that he would normally be bowling. When I blew up and

confronted him, he said that he told his dad because it actually

affected him, as my father-in-law would need to find a sub for the

team those nights. He's not normally home those nights, so it didn't

affect me at all. He didn't seem to get that his wife might want to

know this stuff.

Or, a normal interaction...

Me: Can you reach that bowl?

Him: Yeah. (then he walks away without getting the bowl)

Me: Why didn't you get me the bowl?

Him: You didn't ask me to.

I've gotten mad because he doesn't spend enough time with our daughter

and I. When he is home, he's watching TV in the basement. He says that

he IS spending time with us because he's in the same house with us.

Also, sleeping time is considered time spent together. We are

together, aren't we? I always thought that was the meanest thing in

the world to say. Maybe it makes sense in some bizarre way.

One of our dogs died suddenly and unexpectedly in May. It has been

particularly had because he has been no help as to why I've been so

sad. He doesn't get it at all. Not just because he didn't like the

dog, but because he doesn't seem to get it at all.

When I need comfort, I have to tell him, which seems beyond the point.

I'll be crying, and he will just stand there and look at me like I'm

an interesting rock, and then walk away. I have to tell him that I

need a hug. I've asked why he doesn't get that I need a hug or

something when I'm upset and he says that he doesn't know. Or if I'm

upset about something and I tell him how I feel, he will calmly listen

to me, then go do something else as soon as I'm done talking. If I ask

why he didn't reply, he will tell that he didn't have anything to say.

This happens multiple times a week.

He doesn't say excuse me when he wants you to move, he just shoves by.

Since my background is in dog training, I've tried using positive

reinforcement to get him to say it by not moving until he says,

" Excuse me. " It seemed ridiculous to go through this with an adult

man. It even gets to the point where we are wrestling and I'm hanging

on tightly to the sink while he's trying to shove me out of the way to

get to the cabinet when all I wanted him to do is say, " Excuse me. "

Maybe that is just one of the things he can't grasp. I may as well be

asking him to say, " Open Sesame! " when he wants into the cupboard. I

had originally tried to insist upon him displaying common courtesy as

a positive example for our daughter, but I am realizing now that this

is a lost cause.

I've vented to friends over the years about his treatment of me and I

get helpful advice such as, " I wouldn't put up with that, " or " Why

don't you just leave? " I guess I'm feeling a bit of relief at thinking

maybe this is a possibility, as strange as it sounds. Maybe he's not a

selfish, uncaring jerk.

So, that's my story so far. Thanks for hanging in this long.

Aimee