Re: Excerpt from upcoming book, “Parenting with a Spouse or Partner with Asperger Syndrome: Feel Like a Single Parent?”

[Guest guest]

Dear Thanks for sending the chapter which I have read the chapter and have mixed feelings about.  I keep hanging on the fact that if you know one ASPIE person you know ONE ASPIE person and that examples like the account in the chapter are one person's experience and we can't generalise from them.  This narrative approach is engaging - we are all engaged by others' narratives, but how can it help me in the task of being a better parent and help me negotiate the minefield that is the daily coping with an ASPIE partner and his relationship with my children? I feel empathy with the situation having experienced it myself, but it sounds so unremittingly bad  When I read this account I want to know why she is staying with him.  What is in it for her that makes it worthwhile? What are the positive aspects of co-parenting with an ASPIE?

I have spent 22 years with an ASPIE partner and my children - not his. My children have been badly hurt living in an ASPIE household that now they are grown up they never want to come home.  They blame me for putting up with it and taking my husband's side against them and can't understand why I stay with him.  They won't have him at any family gatherings - they just can't cope with the embarrassment and they hate him - they won't accept he is ASPIE.  One thing they don't fully realise is that their father is also ASPIE, he is just seen as eccentric - difficult, and none of them would want to live with him, but he is their Dad and they feel sorry for him. 

What I want to understand is why I have been attracted to ASPIEs - on looking back my first long-term boyfriend was ASPIE and both my husbands.  Recently through counselling i realised that both my parents were probably ASPIE. Is this why i somehow have felt comfortable with an ASPIE partner?  I feel I haveI spent my whole life living with this and yet I have only gradually come to recognise it since we had counselling last year and the counsellor suggested my husband was A/S.  We are working towards a formal diagnosis and I am desperate for some help for him as well as me. The parenting chapter told me new things - my husband 'hoovers' his food up - my children can't bare to be at the same table as him; he also falls asleep at inappropriate times and reacts the same way when woken up.  He frequently stays up till 1 or 2 am watching what I consider innane TV and then has regular sleeps in the day to compensate. I hadn't realised this was part of being ASPIE.  But I don't want a book that makes me compare my partner with others - I need a book to help me understand and explore the question - why am I with an ASPIE?  My experiences suggests if I leave my ASPIE husband i will end up with another ASPIE and that is very scary.  

Despite being put off by this extract, I will probably buy the book because i so want to understand myself and the way i have parented my children and negotiated the relationships in our house.  Now all the children are gone and it's just him and me and we have both retired the full force of living with ASPIE is hitting me.  I need help knowing how to cope with this.  And that includes trying to understand the past and how I have struggled to keep things together and bring up my children.  This chapter has re-triggered the emotional distress of living with so many ASPIE moments, and yes i am constantly beating myself up for being a rotten parent, I need to understand why I put up it for all those years and why I am still coping with it.  Just being told to take some R & R doesn't go near the kind of support i feel I need but can't find out there.  

Any suggestions?  Sue 

 

FYI

This book is for NT Partners and has not yet been released. I am attaching a copy of a FREE chapter. I am not sure if YAHOO allows attachments?????

Like CJ says, " Enjoy or not " .

Best.

Excerpt from upcoming book, " Parenting with a Spouse or Partner with Asperger Syndrome: Feel Like a Single Parent? "

“Parenting with a Spouse or Partner with Asperger Syndrome: Out of Sight, Out of Mind.” This book specifically addresses the unique issues that come up when you’re co-parenting with an Aspie partner.

When co-parenting with an Aspie, ordinary things like getting enough sleep, or asking your spouse to pick up a child from soccer practice, or having a little family chit chat at the dining table become strained and turn into not-so-ordinary moments. Everything is so unnerving and tense over the simplest of things, leaving you too drained to engage more fully in life.

“Out of Sight, Out of Mind” looks at several families and their not-so-ordinary moments. I recommend learning all you can about Asperger Syndrome because information clears up the mystery of the Aspie behavior. This will help you detach from the emotional distress of reacting to those not-so-ordinary moments.

-- Dr Sue LyleDialogue Exchange Ltdtelephone: 07817656623This email and its attachments may be confidential and are intended solely for the use of the individual to whom it is addressed. Any views or opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of Dialogue Exchange Ltd. If you are not the intended recipient of this email and its attachments, you must take no action based upon them, nor must you copy or show them to anyone. Please contact the sender if you believe you have received this email in error.

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[Guest guest]

helen_foisy wrote:

> CJ and , In my humble opinion, you are both right I'm

> certain that AS attracts AS or at least Aspergated attracts AS.

> Slightly spectrummy folks and non spectrum folks who grow up with

> full blown AS siblings or parents are used to accommodating to the

> differences. In contrast, a purely non spectrum person who was never

> exposed to those differences when growing up may just find them too

> unlike themselves and confusing/complicated/infuriating to deal with,

> and they unconsciously select against them at first pass, and move

> on.

FWIW: In genetic and evolutionary terms, it's called " assortative

mating " . Works in either direction: to help perpetuate genetic traits

or to diminish their frequency.

So, Helen etc, you're all correct. That assumes of course that AS

is/are a distinct genetic sub-population. Which I'm certain is true

(and is increasingly apparent).

- Bill ...AS, ...retired geneticist

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm