Re: Excerpt from upcoming book, “Parenting with a Spouse or Partner with Asperger Syndrome: Feel Like a Single Parent?�

[Guest guest]

Hi Sue,

Now you get into my theory that AS attracts AS, which others here also feel may

be true. No backup for it but it resonates with me based upon my experiences.

If both your parents are possibly AS do you not think it also possible that you

are too? Lots of posts here about how different men and women can be on the

spectrum.

But even if it isn't true, we are unconscionably most comfortable with what we

" know " , and you may be seeking out traits or characteristics that you are most

comfortable with in a man.

Re: Excerpt from upcoming book, “Parenting

with a Spouse or Partner with Asperger Syndrome: Feel Like a Single Parent?â€

 

Dear

Thanks for sending the chapter which I have read the chapter and have mixed

feelings about.  I keep hanging on the fact that if you know one ASPIE person

you know ONE ASPIE person and that examples like the account in the chapter are

one person's experience and we can't generalise from them.  This narrative

approach is engaging - we are all engaged by others' narratives, but how can it

help me in the task of being a better parent and help me negotiate the minefield

that is the daily coping with an ASPIE partner and his relationship with my

children? I feel empathy with the situation having experienced it myself, but it

sounds so unremittingly bad  When I read this account I want to know why she is

staying with him.  What is in it for her that makes it worthwhile? What are the

positive aspects of co-parenting with an ASPIE?

I have spent 22 years with an ASPIE partner and my children - not his. My

children have been badly hurt living in an ASPIE household that now they are

grown up they never want to come home.  They blame me for putting up with it

and taking my husband's side against them and can't understand why I stay with

him.  They won't have him at any family gatherings - they just can't cope with

the embarrassment and they hate him - they won't accept he is ASPIE.  One thing

they don't fully realise is that their father is also ASPIE, he is just seen as

eccentric - difficult, and none of them would want to live with him, but he is

their Dad and they feel sorry for him. 

What I want to understand is why I have been attracted to ASPIEs - on looking

back my first long-term boyfriend was ASPIE and both my husbands.  Recently

through counselling i realised that both my parents were probably ASPIE. Is this

why i somehow have felt comfortable with an ASPIE partner?  I feel I haveI

spent my whole life living with this and yet I have only gradually come to

recognise it since we had counselling last year and the counsellor suggested my

husband was A/S.  We are working towards a formal diagnosis and I am desperate

for some help for him as well as me. The parenting chapter told me new things -

my husband 'hoovers' his food up - my children can't bare to be at the same

table as him; he also falls asleep at inappropriate times and reacts the same

way when woken up.  He frequently stays up till 1 or 2 am watching what I

consider innane TV and then has regular sleeps in the day to compensate. I

hadn't realised this was part of being ASPIE.  But I don't want a book that

makes me compare my partner with others - I need a book to help me understand

and explore the question - why am I with an ASPIE?  My experiences suggests if

I leave my ASPIE husband i will end up with another ASPIE and that is very

scary.  

Despite being put off by this extract, I will probably buy the book because i so

want to understand myself and the way i have parented my children and negotiated

the relationships in our house.  Now all the children are gone and it's just

him and me and we have both retired the full force of living with ASPIE is

hitting me.  I need help knowing how to cope with this.  And that includes

trying to understand the past and how I have struggled to keep things together

and bring up my children.  This chapter has re-triggered the emotional distress

of living with so many ASPIE moments, and yes i am constantly beating myself up

for being a rotten parent, I need to understand why I put up it for all those

years and why I am still coping with it.  Just being told to take some R & R

doesn't go near the kind of support i feel I need but can't find out there.  

Any suggestions?  Sue 

On Sat, May 12, 2012 at 12:51 AM, Newland < lnewland@... > wrote:

 

FYI

This book is for NT Partners and has not yet been released. I am attaching a

copy of a FREE chapter. I am not sure if YAHOO allows attachments?????

Like CJ says, " Enjoy or not " .

Best.

Excerpt from upcoming book, " Parenting with a Spouse or Partner with Asperger

Syndrome: Feel Like a Single Parent? "

“Parenting with a Spouse or Partner with Asperger Syndrome: Out of Sight, Out

of Mind.†This book specifically addresses the unique issues that come up when

you’re co-parenting with an Aspie partner.

When co-parenting with an Aspie, ordinary things like getting enough sleep, or

asking your spouse to pick up a child from soccer practice, or having a little

family chit chat at the dining table become strained and turn into

not-so-ordinary moments. Everything is so unnerving and tense over the simplest

of things, leaving you too drained to engage more fully in life.

“Out of Sight, Out of Mind†looks at several families and their

not-so-ordinary moments. I recommend learning all you can about Asperger

Syndrome because information clears up the mystery of the Aspie behavior. This

will help you detach from the emotional distress of reacting to those

not-so-ordinary moments.

--

Dr Sue Lyle

Dialogue Exchange Ltd

telephone: 07817656623

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[Guest guest]

> Now you get into my theory that AS attracts AS, which others here also feel

may be true. No backup for it but it resonates with me based upon my

experiences.

>

I think it all depends on the way that AS manifests itself in the

individual. We may have many things in common, yet there are also a lot

of differences between us.

In that way, we're not all that much unlike NTs. Just sharing a

neuro-label in common isn't quite enough to insure compatibility.

For the most part, the AS men I've known socially are not attractive to

me at all. Yet that doesn't mean I would never date an Aspie man. It's

just that I've never met an Aspie man whom I've wanted to date.

In my experience, the more 'extreme' (and contrary to mainstream social

expectations) their traits, the more difficult it will probably be for

an individual to attract *any* partner, regardless of neuro-label. Most

'extreme' people I know eventually partnered with whatever individual

would " have them " . By " settling " for the first person to come along,

they can satisfy their need for companionship and sex, even though they

might not be very compatible people overall. And not all of these

couples are Aspies either.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

CJ and ,

In my humble opinion, you are both right I'm certain that AS attracts AS or

at least Aspergated attracts AS. Slightly spectrummy folks and non spectrum

folks who grow up with full blown AS siblings or parents are used to

accommodating to the differences. In contrast, a purely non spectrum person who

was never exposed to those differences when growing up may just find them too

unlike themselves and confusing/complicated/infuriating to deal with, and they

unconsciously select against them at first pass, and move on.

As Ron, myself and others here have discussed, personality, temperament, likes,

dislikes, interests, energy levels, personal beliefs, goals in life - and

*personal baggage* - may be more significant factors in longevity in

relationships than where a person is situated on the spectrum. I will assert to

my last breath (LOL) that the world is populated with spectrum folks who get

along fine. Most of them don't even know where they sit on the spectrum unless

they come up against difficulties that force them to search for answers as to

why things aren't working.

- Helen

>

> > Now you get into my theory that AS attracts AS, which others here also feel

may be true. No backup for it but it resonates with me based upon my

experiences.

> >

>

> I think it all depends on the way that AS manifests itself in the

> individual. We may have many things in common, yet there are also a lot

> of differences between us.

>

> In that way, we're not all that much unlike NTs. Just sharing a

> neuro-label in common isn't quite enough to insure compatibility.

>

> For the most part, the AS men I've known socially are not attractive to

> me at all. Yet that doesn't mean I would never date an Aspie man. It's

> just that I've never met an Aspie man whom I've wanted to date.

>

> In my experience, the more 'extreme' (and contrary to mainstream social

> expectations) their traits, the more difficult it will probably be for

> an individual to attract *any* partner, regardless of neuro-label. Most

> 'extreme' people I know eventually partnered with whatever individual

> would " have them " . By " settling " for the first person to come along,

> they can satisfy their need for companionship and sex, even though they

> might not be very compatible people overall. And not all of these

> couples are Aspies either.

>

> Best,

> ~CJ

>