Guest guest Posted January 22, 2012 Report Share Posted January 22, 2012 jonheller58 wrote: > Hi, I'm new to the group. I was diagnosed with Asperger's 4 years ago and this is my first post. > > I'm not very good with words, but I hurt my wife deeply by cheating on her. She learned of my betrayal over 2 years ago and has been deeply hurt and suffers constantly from PTSD related to how I've hurt her. > > I desperately want to save my marriage. She's a wonderful woman who I love deeply and who I never meant to hurt. We're both in therapy and I am paying attention to this site and also reading more about Asperger's. I have crippled my wife and I'm at a loss as to how to help her heal. I'd welcome advice. > I'm an AS woman who was married for nearly 20 years to a NT man who betrayed me in this way. Unfortunately, he died before we could work out our issues. The betrayal really changed me, and I fear that it will not be possible for me to have another intimate relationship with anyone. My ability to trust has been shattered on a fundamental level, and I too suffer from PTSD type symptoms. I don't see infidelity as being an AS or NT issue, just an issue. It is possible for a relationship to survive infidelity, yet it's very hard work for both spouses. This resource helped me to educate myself on why such intimate betrayals make healing such a challenge. Check out the articles section, as that is what got me through the first few months following disclosure of my husband's affair. http://www.beyondaffairs.com/resources_recovering_from_affairs.htm Best, ~CJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2012 Report Share Posted January 22, 2012 Welcome, Jon I had a somewhat similar situation. Most of the old timers here know that about 2 years ago, I found out that my then husband was cheating … and over the next 10 months I learned that he had been cheating for close to 10 years, with a long series of different people. We're both Aspie, and open to alternate lifestyles, so I was prepared to have an open marriage. Only my soon to be ex was in deep denial about his sexuality, could not hold himself together, and ended up becoming quite mentally ill a year ago. To finish the story quickly, I had to get a restraining order against him, he filed for divorce, I agreed, and we're still in process of divorcing. Lessons for Jon: - your wife is the true victim here. She needs help for the PTSD, and needs your support during her healing. This may mean you should let her express anger at you, or that you should leave her alone for a while. - she's also lost all her trust in you. It is possible to regain that trust, but not quickly or easily. Be absolutely predictable in your habits, text her from work (especially if you need to work late), and otherwise let her see that you have no spare time for cheating. - something to look at in yourself is why you felt the need to cheat. Is there something sexual your wife could/would not do for you (like how I could not satisfy my ex's desire for gay sex), or did your relationship just go stale? I've been reading a blog lately called " Married Man Sex Life " that talks about why people cheat, and gives advice on how to recover from cheating. WARNING! Many of the suggestions in the blog are difficult even for NT people, some are really, really not suited for Aspies who don't pick up social clues. [such as the difference between being a strong, commanding " alpha male " and an abusive bully.] Read the blog, but examine yourself well before putting any of the author's ideas into effect. I hope your marriage story has a happier ending than mine. -Liz > Hi, I'm new to the group. I was diagnosed with Asperger's 4 years ago and this is my first post. > > I'm not very good with words, but I hurt my wife deeply by cheating on her. She learned of my betrayal over 2 years ago and has been deeply hurt and suffers constantly from PTSD related to how I've hurt her. > > I desperately want to save my marriage. She's a wonderful woman who I love deeply and who I never meant to hurt. We're both in therapy and I am paying attention to this site and also reading more about Asperger's. I have crippled my wife and I'm at a loss as to how to help her heal. I'd welcome advice. > > Jon Heller > > > > ------------------------------------ > > " We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony. > Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony > It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial. > We all contribute to the song of life. " > ...Sondra > > We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference. > > ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list. > Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. > Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission. > When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: > http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm > ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER > http://www.aspires-relationships.com > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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