Re: does a marital relationship work, if one has no trust into whatsoeever?

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry for you pain. You must feel very trapped right now. It sounds

like you are worried about confirming his fears, that he is different, that no

one appreciates and values him, that he is not worth staying with. Here are 2

things to think about:

-If you are with him because you feel trapped, you can't build a good, healthy

relationship.

-Nothing you have done or can do will change these fears. You can be the best,

most faithful partner in the world and he would still feel this way. This is

something he has to deal with, not you. If he was really working on these

issues, you may be able to help him. If he's not, nothing you can do will help

one bit. You must focus on keeping yourself safe and sane. You also are

important and should be taken care of. Also, you have no chance of helping him

in the future if you are worn down.

A refuge, a safe place seems like an excellent idea.

Cheryl

>

> Hi,

>

> after yesterday, I am in a tsunami of feelings and would like to stear clear

again.

>

> I need some sicere input how to handle such a relationship.

>

> This post will be long, because I am not sure, what I can leave out without

destroying the " picture " .

>

> I love my husband, and have gone through a lot of things to make this work,

and now I am not sure, if I can really make enough effort to win his trust.

> we do have big problems in our relationship, on and off.

> We had a very rough start because both of us had our single traumatic

experiences with people close to us. in his case his mother, who broke his trust

when he was about 6 or seven years old, she always let him know, that he is

worth nothing, that he is sick and disturbed and not lovable, and he began to

hat everyone, including himself, because he is sure, everyone hates him, so he

has to, too.

>

> I have grown up with a choleric father and get shellshock symptoms whenever

anyone in my surrounding expresses anger by yelling and pounding things or even

yelling at me, I cant act in any way, just freexe and hope, it is over soon,

maybe I start crying and thats it, just retreat inside, and be gone.

> In addition I have been abused sexually for over 8 years, which makes me

unable to relax when exchanging hugs and such.

>

> Whenever he feels hostility against him , he gets really tantrumy, I say feels

hostility, because in many situations, where we are together and this happens

with a third person offending him, I dont see, why.

>

> Yesterday, it was a situation where we went to an attourney to get some input

in how we can destress our housing situation for me ( because I cant live like

this any more with him being angry at the tenants two floors down from us who

have really changed, but are a loud family nonetheless. So husband frets about

every vacation time the kids have, because then, they are home all day, running

around in the apartment-.

> Our days consist of him " waiting " for the kids to be something to get angry

at, and I am kind of " waiting " for his next tantrum.), and it turned out, with

our low income, we would be eligible for help from the state. The attourney had

asked, why we were not applying for it (another story, husband will never apply

for such funding, because he is not willing to " jump through their hoops " ), so

there is financial woes, also.

>

> The attourney then talked to me and told me, that I alone can apply for this

funding, if I want to (so the agency needs to be told, we want separation, and

he made clear, that it was up to me and husband how much time we spend together,

and who spends the night at whose place then, so no separation fir us, but only

for the agency, so I can have my refuge to go to, when I feel, I cant be

together)and that it would be my husbands problem then, if they get to him and

want forms filled out and if he would not fill them out properly, that then

maybe the tax office will give him grief, but that this would be husbands

problem, not mine!

> Husband lost it right there, and was getting loud, so the attourney had asked

him to leave the room.

> I am torn between my need to get information and sticking to husband. There

was something the attourney had said right before they got at each other, that I

had not understood and wanted to before I would have left, and husband took that

as " everyone in this room thinks, I am an idiot and not right in my head " .

> So after we had left that room (only this one unclarity had been cleared, then

we left), husband yelled at me, that after that " Talk " he was quite ready to

file for divorce himself, (I had never talked about that, and the " separation "

the attourney had mentioned was what the agency would need to fund this " need "

of ours)

>

> I am breaking under that pressure, and then husband topped it in

> 1) having this tantrum

> 2) telling me he wants the divorce

> 3) after I had told him, that I wanted that written down, if he really wanted

it, he sayid " I dont care, no! "

> 4) he drove like a maniac

> 5) he then repeated that before I file for separation and leave him, he rather

does it himself

> 6) I then retreated to my favourite tree to have a cry and sort my feelings

and my need of safety which I cant have in the apartment with all the traces of

former tantrums, he did not leave me alone there (a pattern that repeats itself,

he breaks my spirits and then he does not let me " lick my wounds " , if I insist

on being left alone, he nags and nags until " we talk " )

> 7) he ten told me, that he was certain, we all thought him to be an idiot, so

he " preventively " acted up. And that he was sure, we were ganging up against

him.

> 8) that he never will be able to think and trust, that there are people who

stick to him.

>

>

> Sorry, I need long time to sort this out, but the no trust issue is the bigges

right now.

>

> How can a " trusting relationship " work, if one side is not capable of it??

>

> Every input and clarification questions welcome

> I am very hurt right now, and want to crawl under a rock and never be seen

again, but know that this is not a very healthy thing to do.

> nana.

>

[Guest guest]

> >

> > -Nothing you have done or can do will change these fears. You can be

> the best, most faithful partner in the world and he would still feel this way.

This is something he has to deal with, not you. If he was really working on

these issues, you may be able to help him. If he's not, nothing you can do will

help one bit. You must focus on keeping yourself safe and sane. You also are

important and should be taken care of. Also, you have no chance of helping him

in the future if you are worn down.

>

> Yes, so what to do? I need some protection from the tantrums, and a way

> to not feel like I am going to shards every time, it happens again.

>

> > A refuge, a safe place seems like an excellent idea.

>

> That is what I am hoping for, but I wont stab him from the back (that

> is how he would perceive it, if I applied for the funds and would force

> him to pretend, we are having the separation year preceding a divorce)

>

>

> --

> nana.

>

Nana,

I was in a similar situation with my husband two years ago; and I too had to

make a difficult decision. It was prior to his discovery of having ASD. He was

self-medicating to a point that we had no relationship and his anger was equally

out of control! Thus, I left him; not to leave him so much but to put him in the

position of saving himself and seeking out the answers himself. As long as

I was in the picture, he would lame me for his anger and pot usage!

Undoubtedly, he loved me more than life, but I was not and could not be the

reason for him; only the motivation. At a long distance, I continued to give

him support. After a year and 1/2 he is back in my life; no longer

self-medicating; replacing it it group support as well as mine. It was so

difficult, and still is at times, but nothing like before! We are removed from

the family embers who were not supportive and caused more harm than good, that

was necessary for him to grow. Our marriage took a beating, but we survived it,

a distance apart, but together.

Be sure that you do all that you can before taking such a drastic move to the

" D " word, such as seek out support groups in your area. Never put yourself in a

position of regret!

MM

[Guest guest]

-P>S> In his world, it is hard to trust when people always treat you like a

freak!