Re: I need help

February 1, 2012

Hello Luci,

Sorry to hear your tale of desperation. The way you describe

it, it certainly all sounds very negative.

To me, there does seem to be one very important element, possibly the

most significant of all, that you've left out. I'm taking about the

positive side to your relationship, and why you're still hanging on to it.

Not sure if it will be any comfort to you, but perhaps you should know

that virtually all the Aspie traits in your BF that you're describing

are ones that one or other of our members here have experienced in their

own partners, so amongst our members here on this list there's plenty

of knowledge and experience here that could be shared with you.

But to help us all get a more balanced view of your situation, can you

perhaps explain what it was that attracted you to this BF in the first

place? What did you have in common, and to what extent have either of

you changed since the time you originally got together?

Members here will be wanting to help and share with you, but we will be

looking for some positive elements to latch on to. I very much hope

you'll be able to dredge up some positive elements for us, but if you

really and truly can't, then don't be afraid to come back and say so

and then we can move forward from that standpoint.

(An old Aspie codger diagnosed 3 yrs ago at

age 67 with his own relationship difficulties)

--- I need help

Date: Tue, 31 Jan 2012 20:33:32 -0000

Reply-To: aspires-relationships

To: aspires-relationships

I don't know what to do anymore. My boyfriend has Asperger's and things

have gotten really bad. First I will give you an idea of the situation.

I'm a 28 year old divorced mother of three children ages 4, 7 and 8. My

boyfriend is 30 years old, no children of his own, never been married

(has only had one real girlfriend ever prior to our relationship). He's

a musician and that's really his only interest, but he has not been able

to play music for the past year on any regular basis, which I think is

one part of the problem. He is unemployed except for a part time job

(an hour a day 5 days a week cleaning a bank.) He has been seeing a

therapist for quite a while now, and has started taking zoloft in

November and recently when I went to his psychiatrist with him and

begged them to do something more to help, he has been taking risperdal.

He has incredibly high levels of anxiety almost all the time. He

panics at just having to get out of bed in the morning and face the day.

He over reacts about everything. The littlest of things, something that

should be a non issue can set him off. He throws " fits " at least once a

week. He self injures. He often punches himself in the head to a point

of bruising his face and temple area. He has given himself black eyes

and huge bumps and bruises from bashing his head into the bathroom

counter over and over. Today he has a 4 inch scratch down the side of

his face and a bruise on the other side. I tried to stop him but he's

stronger than me and continued to hurt himself anyway. Whenever I need

him to be there for me the most, is when he's there for me the least.

Whenever I have a problem or an issue, if I am upset and need for once

things to be about me, he throws a fit and totally freaks out. I feel

like I am the most insignificant person in the world. He is almost

always either being a jerk to me, or throwing a fit and feeling sorry

for himself and trying to make me feel bad or give him attention. It's

like he can't stand it if someone else has needs that are bigger than

his. It's to a point where I don't even feel like asking for something

if I need it. I have no control over my own household anymore. If he

disagrees with how I do something with my kids, then there's just no

doing it any way but his. Believe me, I've tried to get across to him

that they are my kids and I bought this house all by myself and I do a

lot for everyone and hardly anything for myself, but still he never gets

it until after the fact. He always feels bad and apologizes and sees

things from my point of view (or so he says) when it's too late and he's

already thrown a fit and consumed two hours of my day and successfully

shoved my needs aside so that we can deal with his fit and how bad he

feels. I really don't know what to do. I just feel totally hopeless. I

don't feel like he cares about me at all, or at least not as much as he

cares about himself. He never, ever sets his own feelings aside to help

me deal with how I might be feeling. No matter how many times I try to

explain to him what he does, and give him tips on how he can help me, he

just refuses to change any of it. I just don't know what to do. I don't

even know if any of what I said even makes sense. I am sure I've left a

lot out. It's so hard to explain. I feel like no one really gets what I

am going through. I try to talk to his doctors but I still feel like

even they don't get it. I feel so very alone. If I've left anything

out, please feel free to ask me as many questions as you want. I need

help so bad right now. I am desperate.

February 1, 2012

Hi Luci and Welcome!Ditto to what said.Your children must have priority of what energy and sanity you have, your BFs issues alone will absorb you and leave you feeling drained emotionally and physically and you will get no traction for a positive outcome in this relationship while running on "empty". Finding the right support/therapy is a must, if this relationship is going to work.I am certain you are devoted to the relationship, as you remain w him, despite the situation/issues you relate. asked a good Q. What is your common ground? How/when do you two connect? This could be a starting point to sort out your overwhelming thoughts/feelings. Heartfelt Hugs .... and we get it...been there, done that! ChEers!BlancaBlanca M. Lara RochaSender: aspires-relationships Date: Tue, 31 Jan 2012 19:52:45 -0800To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: I need help Hi & welcome to ASPIRES: Are you getting any help for you and your issues that have risen from this relationship? I only ask as you can only change yourself and not him. Somethimes talking to a good counselor/therapist can really help you get healthy again. You need to stay strong for you and your kids. He is a BIG boy and you are not responsible for his behavior. I am sending you positive energy and cyber hugs! Been there, done the work and its HARD work! I don't know what to do anymore. My boyfriend has Asperger's and things have gotten really bad. First I will give you an idea of the situation. I'm a 28 year old divorced mother of three children ages 4, 7 and 8. My boyfriend is 30 years old, no children of his own, never been married (has only had one real girlfriend ever prior to our relationship). He's a musician and that's really his only interest, but he has not been able to play music for the past year on any regular basis, which I think is one part of the problem. He is unemployed except for a part time job (an hour a day 5 days a week cleaning a bank.) He has been seeing a therapist for quite a while now, and has started taking zoloft in November and recently when I went to his psychiatrist with him and begged them to do something more to help, he has been taking risperdal. He has incredibly high levels of anxiety almost all the time. He panics at just having to get out of bed in the morning and face the day.

February 1, 2012

We have been together for almost 2 years now. We met through a mutual friend.

I actually met him when he was playing drums in my friends band, I had gone to

the show. We both love music, him more than me, it's his passion, but it's a

big part of my interests too. We're actually a pretty good match when things

are calm. I am a really good cook and love to cook for my family and he's

really good about doing the routine boring chores that I hate, so I have a built

in dish washer for all the cooking I do! There are so many good things about

him, I am just finding it hard to enjoy each other these days because of his

increasing emotional issues. He is always willing to help me out, I just have

to ask and when I do something like clean up around the house, something I

always just figure is my job anyway, he always says thank you for doing it.

I've never had anyone thank me for cleaning my own house, it feels good to not

have that part of my life as a stay at home Mom be taken for granted. I love

how honest he is. Sometimes it frustrates me when he can't even tell a white

lie to make the day easier if we need to cancel something, but it's a pretty

good trade off for the fact that he's the only man I've ever known in my whole

life that I felt like I could truly trust. We both have the same sense of

humor. He's not usually very good at coming up with original humor, but he's

really good for repeating lines from a movie and he gets the voices perfect

every time. I'm the funny one, I make him laugh all the time. I can tell he

adores me when I am being silly. It feels wonderful. We like a lot of the same

kind of tv shows and movies so even though we dont have much money to go out and

we have three kids and none of our family is close enough by for a regular

babysitter, we do spend time at the end of each day just relaxing and watching a

tv show that we both enjoy, or listening to music. We like to have dessert

together on occasion after the kids are gone to bed so we have some time for

just us. He tries really hard with the kids, even though he doesn't always do

things right, he believes he is so it's with good intentions. As we speak he is

getting breakfast for my two youngest children, one is not yet in school and the

other is home sick today. He does this for them every morning. He says it's the

least he can do, getting up with them and doing the morning routine. I ask what

he means by that and he says " considering all that you do, this is the least I

can do to help out " and I find that odd because sometimes I don't feel like I do

enough. I honestly could go on all day about the things I love about our

relationship and that I love about him. I wrote what I wrote yesterday because

I was in a panic in the middle of one of his fits and I just feel so lost when

that happens. It's honestly like he is two different people. But the harder

life gets (and it doesn't take much to seem hard to him) the less he is here for

me, and the less functional he gets. My biggest concern as of recent is the

self injury. Everything else can be worked on over time, but I think that's the

most immediate issue that needs to be addressed. I have spoke to his doctors

and as I said, he is taking new medication. His mother is trying to convince

him not to take the medication and she thinks the doctors are forcing it down

his throat and that he doesn't know any better, but that's not true. She treats

him like he's a baby, and then he actually listens to her and I am afraid he

will listen to her about the medication. She doesn't know how he has been, he

hasn't told her that much detail. She doesn't know how much he physically hurts

himself. It's to a point where he's been warned strongly by doctors that if he

continues, he can, and may have already, give himself brain damage. It's like

night and day with him. When I need him the most, he's there for me the least.

As long as things are calm and not serious or way out or the ordinary day for

him, then he's fine. I just feel his anger and depression and negative emotions

taking over him more and more and it dominates how I feel and I don't know how

to separate myself. I know I can't fix him, but it's so hard not to try anyway.

>

> Hi Luci and Welcome!

>

> Ditto to what said.

>

> Your children must have priority of what energy and sanity you have, your BFs

issues alone will absorb you and leave you feeling drained emotionally and

physically and you will get no traction for a positive outcome in this

relationship while running on " empty " . Finding the right support/therapy is a

must, if this relationship is going to work.

>

> I am certain you are devoted to the relationship, as you remain w him, despite

the situation/issues you relate. asked a good Q. What is your common

ground? How/when do you two connect?

>

> This could be a starting point to sort out your overwhelming

thoughts/feelings.

>

> Heartfelt Hugs .... and we get it...been there, done that!

>

> ChEers!

>

> Blanca

> Blanca M. Lara Rocha

>

> I need help

>

> Hi & welcome to ASPIRES:

>

> Are you getting any help for you and your issues that have risen from this

relationship? I only ask as you can only change yourself and not him.

Somethimes talking to a good counselor/therapist can really help you get healthy

again. You need to stay strong for you and your kids. He is a BIG boy and you

are not responsible for his behavior.

>

> I am sending you positive energy and cyber hugs!

>

> Been there, done the work and its HARD work!

>

> I don't know what to do anymore. My boyfriend has Asperger's and things have

gotten really bad. First I will give you an idea of the situation. I'm a 28 year

old divorced mother of three children ages 4, 7 and 8. My boyfriend is 30 years

old, no children of his own, never been married (has only had one real

girlfriend ever prior to our relationship). He's a musician and that's really

his only interest, but he has not been able to play music for the past year on

any regular basis, which I think is one part of the problem. He is unemployed

except for a part time job (an hour a day 5 days a week cleaning a bank.) He has

been seeing a therapist for quite a while now, and has started taking zoloft in

November and recently when I went to his psychiatrist with him and begged them

to do something more to help, he has been taking risperdal. He has incredibly

high levels of anxiety almost all the time. He panics at just having to get out

of bed in the morning and face the day.

>

February 2, 2012

I was asked by some to write about the good things about the relationship. I

don't know what I am doing wrong, with the way I am describing things, but just

as I try to explain things to the doctors, it seems like no one on here really

truly comprehends what I am explaining of my situation either. Definitely got a

case of " Cassandra syndrome " here. I guess I've made a mistake in reaching out,

because no one seems to understand anyway. I wasn't asking if I should stay or

go, I was asking what I can do because I do choose to stay. He is part of my

family and needs help. I don't believe that we have exhausted all of our options

yet, and I was hoping for some advice on things we or he could try. As far as

being misdiagnosed, I would be utterly surprised if that were the case, I have

no doubt in my mind that he has aspergers. As far as other things going on they

say he has generalized anxiety disorder and major depression. I also suspect

PTSD, though he has not been officially evaluated for that. I would agree there

may be something else going on, but I am certain his diagnosis he has now is

correct. I think I may be looking in the wrong place. I dont need someone to

tell me to think about leaving - trust me, I have. And I don't mean I have

because I want to, I mean I have considered that it might be the best for

everyone and I've even talked to my kids about all of this and how they are

feeling and what they would like and what would make them happy. They cry

thinking of him leaving. It's not a simple decision, and I have thought it

through over and over and it's just not a decision I can come to at this point.

I do not believe we have tried everything. I do not believe he has received

proper help. He has only had this diagnosis for less than a year, and where we

live, there is almost no one around that works with people with aspergers,

especially adults. The nearest case worker for the new england autism branch is

one state away from us, none of our state and the nearest support groups are 3

hours south of here. That is why I seek online support. He has recently applied

to a vocational rehab program and is waiting to hear back to see if they may be

able to help him find employment that works well for him, as he has had a very

hard time getting, and even more hard of a time keeping a job. He's always too

slow for them, can't multi task, can't understand verbal direction quickly

especially if someone rambles off a list of multiple things for him to execute.

He panics when he messes up in the least bit and gets frustrated and gets mad at

himself at work for not being the way they want him to be. They all think hes

weird, slow and stupid. He has been working with a therapist on a weekly basis

and a psychiatrist once a month and I have recently been attending these

whenever he feels he needs extra help explaining things or understanding things,

and it has been helpful for me too. We also have a crisis plan in place and he

often calls the crisis center and I have taken him there for a crisis meeting.

I don't take my decision to stay with him lightly. I will not stay and let

things stay the same, but I will not leave without making the biggest effort we

can. I love him and he deserves for once for someone to give him a chance

instead of treating him like he's worthless, which is why he hates himself,

which is why hes so angry, which is why he hurts himself. The only other people

in his life who have ever seen him through good and really really bad and stayed

by his side were his parents, but they baby him and that does not help either.

I refuse to baby him, and I do refuse to let him treat me like crap my whole

life, and, and I am trying to find ways to do that, because it is his goal too.

He knows hes rude and careless with me, and he hates that about himself too. We

both want this badly, probably him more than anything. You have no idea the

pain I see him go through when he realizes he has hurt my feelings. The reason

he freaks out and hits himself over and over? its because hes mad at himself for

being rude or thoughtless. Okay. I am done here. We had a good day today. We

did laundry together and went shopping for household things, came home and

played some board games and had pizza and salad with the kids. now I am going

to get out from behind this screen and go spend time with him. Thanks anyway,

but I honestly feel there's no one who could ever understand. I don't blame you

for anything you said, but it's wrong, not because you are wrong, but because I

just can't convey our life to you.

> >

> > Hi Luci and Welcome!

> >

> > Ditto to what said.

> >

> > Your children must have priority of what energy and sanity you have, your

BFs issues alone will absorb you and leave you feeling drained emotionally and

physically and you will get no traction for a positive outcome in this

relationship while running on " empty " . Finding the right support/therapy is a

must, if this relationship is going to work.

> >

> > I am certain you are devoted to the relationship, as you remain w him,

despite the situation/issues you relate. asked a good Q. What is your

common ground? How/when do you two connect?

> >

> > This could be a starting point to sort out your overwhelming

thoughts/feelings.

> >

> > Heartfelt Hugs .... and we get it...been there, done that!

> >

> > ChEers!

> >

> > Blanca

> > Blanca M. Lara Rocha

> >

> > I need help

> >

> > Hi & welcome to ASPIRES:

> >

> > Are you getting any help for you and your issues that have risen from this

relationship? I only ask as you can only change yourself and not him. Somethimes

talking to a good counselor/therapist can really help you get healthy again. You

need to stay strong for you and your kids. He is a BIG boy and you are not

responsible for his behavior.

> >

> > I am sending you positive energy and cyber hugs!

> >

> > Been there, done the work and its HARD work!

> >

> > I don't know what to do anymore. My boyfriend has Asperger's and things have