Introduction

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

I am a new member and have been reading here off and on for a few weeks now. I

am so happy to see a group where people come together to support each other, a

group which includes both AS and NT, and one that isn't filled with nothing but

angry, hostile people.

My husband and I just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary. Tom got his

first unofficial diagnosis about three years ago. I say unofficial because the

therapist Tom was seeing had no experience with AS at all. We have read several

books on couples dealing with AS and I am confident this is what we are also

dealing with. Tom got the name of a therapist who has worked with AS kids,

adults and marriages, and we go to our first appointment in July.

Our problems are really no different than anyone elses. My main issues with Tom

are lack of communication (I am a HUGE communicator! We used to openly

communicate before our marriage, but we did so much of it online as we both

worked for the same software company. ) and Tom has issues showing emotion. I

had an extremely difficult time when I became a stay at home, homeschooling mom

because I was stretched beyond my limits, and it was excruciating trying to get

Tom involved with the kids. Now that my two boys are out of the house and we

only have two girls at home, I can see how hard it was for Tom living in a

chaotic home with four kids, one adopted and with severe behavioral issues,

along with a son who was always difficult and hard to reach (not AS) and was

diagnosed with conduct disorder. My difficult son never opens up to anybody but

he is extremely social and has a large group of friends. He is also an

extrovert, class clown, etc. He is not AS. Now that it is just a family of

four at home, I can see that it is easier for Tom having fewer kids. I never

knew he had AS, never knew how a quiet and controlled environment was so

important to him. But hindsight doesn't help our situation. We are now living

in a quieter, controlled household and it is really nice focusing on our

marriage again and having the time to even go out on dates together.

We have had some horrible times, but Tom and I remain strong and dedicated to

each other. We plan to renew our wedding vows in two years for our 25th. He is

my best friend and I am his best friend. I can see, now, how important it is

for him especially that we take time to be alone and just focus on each other.

And I love our time alone together.

Because Tom doesn't share openly, I have often times felt despair and felt as

though I was married to a stranger. He never understood this. He has always

said he takes our vows seriously and he is loyal to me. But when we were lost

in raising kids, two with behavioral issues, and stretched too thin taking care

of our ailing parents, we just both neglected each other. After a period of

time went by, when all the hard times seemed to have passed, I felt like our

marriage was dwindling away. Then I found out that Tom had caused a horrible

upset in our finances. Had I not intervened, I am onfident bankruptcy and

possibly the loss of our home were in the not too distant future. FOr what ever

reason, Tom has NEVER been good at paying bills and handling finances. He is a

brilliant man, can make wise investment decisions, knows all about the business

side of they why's and how's to do, but the simple aspect of paying bills and

having a budget is where he failed. He is incapable of managing money. Even

early in our marriage I remember getting shut off notices from our utilities. I

never understood this because he is so brilliant. He took over paying the

bills six years ago after I suffered a head injury, and they were in a complete

mess when I insisted I pay the bills from now on a few months back. When I saw

what a mess was made, how debts were at an unbelievable amount, I was ready to

leave. The lack of communication made me believe he was leading a double life

and spending away our money, even though he is home every night by 5:30 like

clockwork, and is home on weekends. He was shocked at my assumptions, I was

shocked that he didn't understand where I was coming from. So now I have taken

over paying all our bills and by this time next year, we will be in a much more

comfortable place. We won't be debt free yet, but we will be well on our way.

I have spent countless hours going through the credit card histories and can

find no spending on his part to drive up our bills. I honestly don't know what

happened, but I do remember that even in the beginning of our marriage bill

paying was not something he could do. I have not read this is an AS thing, per

se, and if anyone can share some insight, I would greatly appreciate it.

This last crisis is where I put my foot down and told Tom that we needed help.

Our previous pattern is that when I got distraught, he would become much more

attentive to me. When things were going well for awhile, he would back off.

Now in his defense, I truly do believe having four kids was just too much for

him. I am thankful for our kids, as is he, but I can see how much more relaxed

he is now with only two left at home. He was on sensory overload, too. Loud

noises are awful for him and recenty he had a hearing test. I was shocked when

he told me the woman administering the test said he had quite unusual hearing as

some of the sounds he heard were close to a ZERO decible level!!! I remember

how hard it was for him when he came home from work, tired after a full day and

a 45 mile commute each way, and we would be laughing and acting silly at home.

He didn't like it, and the kids didn't like him coming home grouchy. I started

to make sure it was quieter for him and that helped. This is just one example

of having a larger family being hard on him. With more kids there was more

noise and more chaos. It was harder on Tom than I realized.

The kids always joked about how we would have one big fight per year, and that

fight would be quite a horrid one. Tom needed to retreat into his own world,

and I would get angry for him not being involved with me or the kids. Our

family has definitely suffered because Tom was not much of a father to his boys.

And too many times I was an angry wife. He is learning from his mistakes, as

am I, and he trying the best he can with them and with his girls now. And, he

is realizing that it is important to SHOW me that I am a priority in his life.

This is why we are looking forward to working with a therapist who knows AS

well.

I know that if I hold Tom accountable and tell him I need time with him, he will

always give it to me. Sometimes I am too tired to have to ask for it.

Sometimes I resent having to be in that role. But the truth of the matter is

that we love to be with each other more than anything. Tom is, by far, the

most loyal husband I have ever seen. We look forward to growing old together.

I hope that the therapist can give us both tips and suggestions for making that

work easier.

Sorry this got so long!