Re: Re: Other support forums/blogs

[Guest guest]

I'm an NT ex-wife of an AS husband. Just wanted to mention that I was mad as hell with my still undiagnosed ex-hubby for all the horrible things he did to me UNTIL, thru my own personal research & counseling (post-separation), realized what I was dealing with. Understanding his limited perceptions of the NT world allowed me to accept & greatly reduce my anger toward him bcuz I had a much greater understanding of where he was coming from. Even tho I'd be terrified to ever resume contact w/ him again, I'm not bitter. I hope he finds contentment in his life. Had circumstances been different, I would have willingly made the effort to remain in the marriage & help him navigate his challenges. Les. To: aspires-relationships Sent: Saturday, April 7, 2012 3:42 PM Subject: Re: Re: Other support forums/blogs

> The group is mostly NT wives. There's a fair bit of Aspie hubby-bashing ... threads such as "the silliest thing your husband does" or "I can't believe he said that". I know some women find comfort in such groups, but as an AS woman, I felt marginalized.

>

That's been my experience with "partners of" groups too. Yet I retain

several memberships in these groups nonetheless because I find the

perspectives interesting as I reflect back on my own marriage to a NT

man. I find the reading valuable, despite all of the misinformation and

bitterness toward AS spouses, their suspected ulterior motivations, and

their assumed lack of potential for learning social and relationship

skills. I guess that people who are in pain aren't always very

rational, charitable, or open-minded.

Even though such groups often contain a handful of Aspie women

(partnered with suspected AS men) who are "borderline neurotypical" like

myself, I've learned from observation that any attempts to educate the

membership about AS is not met with acceptance. Usually, it is

interpreted as a "lack of support" by those whose minds are already made

up about AS and the traits associated with the condition. Best to read

quietly from a distance, and learn... even though the lessons are often

painful.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

I'm an NT ex-wife of an AS husband.  Just wanted to

mention that I was mad as hell with my still undiagnosed

ex-hubby for all the horrible things he did to me UNTIL,

thru my own personal research & counseling

(post-separation), realized what I was dealing with. 

Understanding his limited perceptions of the NT

world allowed me to accept & greatly reduce my anger

toward him bcuz I had a much greater understanding of where

he was coming from.  Even tho I'd be terrified to ever

resume contact w/ him again, I'm not bitter.  I hope he

finds contentment in his life.  Had circumstances been

different, I would have willingly made the effort to remain

in the marriage & help him navigate his challenges.  

Les.  

I commend you for educating yourself, .  A wider perspective

has a way of expanding understanding and changing attitudes, even if

you choose not to remain in the relationship.

Unfortunately, not every NT spouse makes the effort that you did,

instead choosing to evaluate the behavior and assumed motives of

these men through a NT lens alone.  Which makes no sense, as these

men do not march to an NT drummer -- they think and behave as they

do because of AS.  Nonetheless, unenlightened (with respect to AS)

NT spouses can feel cheated that their dreams of a perfect marriage

was stolen by their clueless insensitive clod of a husband.  No

wonder they feel angry, resentful, and bitter!

In my experience, a lot of NTs married to AS partners are seriously

codependent, and it's often that codependency that attracted them to

these partners in the first place.  Like many codependents, once the

emotional well finally runs dry, all that pent up blame, anger, and

resentment needs to vent somewhere.  Often it gets dumped onto the

Aspie spouse, when the reality is that the combined issues of both

spouses resulted in the breakdown of the marriage.

Just my experience with this population....

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

> Thanks, Annette. I have read Loving Someone with Asperger's and I am in the

process of reading the Journal Of Best Practices. I am only in about 4 chapters

so far but I am disappointed. I had high hopes for this book reading all of the

reviews...the author seems very willing to work things out with his NT wife to

the point of not being very realistic. I was hoping my husband and I could

relate to this couple, but so far, it seems not likely. Maybe because we have

been together longer, I just do not see my husband that excited to make things

work, I mean we are trying, but Mr. Finch is a bit to the extreme. Also, it is

making me a bit more sad to read how he writes about his wife, I have a hard

time relating to such a husband adoring his wife the way he does. Just do not

feel that from my husband and feels like a reminder once again of what I do not

have. Sorry, I did not intend to go on like this, but I am sure I will gain

some perspective once I complete the book. Notheless, thanks for the

recommendations!

>

>

My suggestion would be that you read as many books on " mixed " (AS/NT)

relationships as possible. Each relationship will be as unique as the

people in that relationship. Thus, each story will have different lessons.

Comparing one relationship to another is only a recipe for envy and

pain, as every relationship dynamic is different and it can be tempting

to imagine the grass growing on the other side of the fence as being way

greener. Same is true for comparing one's relationship to an 'ideal'

formed earlier in life, one accompanied by many hopes and dreams that

reality often fails to deliver.

Yes, Finch is very much an extreme to whom a lot of people probably

won't relate. Yet the story is a sweet and positive one in many ways.

I found myself empathizing with Finch and laughing about the extent to

which he would go on behalf of his marriage. Yet my laughter was never

at his expense.

Best,

~CJ