Re: Re: why is disclosure such a bad thing?

[Guest guest]

Right now, I'm of a similar mindset. I want to show people that

being an aspie doesn't necessarily mean we can't contribute.

If you can afford to come out of the closet as a disability

advocate, by all means do so. This is a good role especially for

people who have little to lose in terms of risks to livelihood and

relationships. Retirees who no longer need to work outside the home

would be excellent candidates, as would folks whose primary social

circle is an understanding extended family.

I'm not that person, and I do have a lot to lose. I also don't see

that it is my obligation to educate every ignorant person who

crosses my path, especially at great cost to my emotional health.

My AS is relatively mild, so there is little personal advantage to

disclosure. I am much better off focusing on traits and limitations

that require accommodation and the cooperation of others, as

everyone can seem to relate to that.

With respect to visible vs. invisible disabilities....

Because AS is an invisible disability where social communication is

often adversely impacted, it should not (IMO) be compared with

highly visible physical disabilities when debating the pros and cons

of disclosure. The issues are entirely different, as is the way

that people often react to learning about the disability.

Very few people would challenge the very obvious disability of a

wheelchair-bound person who otherwise is much like everyone else.

Just give them a ramp, an elevator, and a bit of space for their

chair, and they fit right in with everyone else.

However, invisible disabilities impact not only the disabled, but

everyone around them. They are also hard to prove to others, and

can easily be confused with a difficult argumentative personality,

self-centeredness, immaturity, and demands for special treatment

about annoyances that appear trivial to most people. As my late

husband called it, "making excuses for bad behavior".

IOW, folks with invisible disabilities can make a really poor first

impression. When the disability involves the inability to "play

nice with others", the disability permeates nearly every

interpersonal interaction and affects everyone around them. In a

social setting, the person is likely to get excluded because they

are annoying -- sometimes even to other Aspies. And in the

workplace, few people welcome being around difficult people who are

likely to be disruptive, alienate customers, and adversely impact

workplace productivity and morale.

By contrast, the guy in the wheelchair is a lot more fun to have

around, and is a helluva lot less of a pain in the you-know-what.

Some people don't disclose because they have been treated

like they are mentally slow after disclosure, or find their

opinions are no longer given weight, or experienced

discrimination.

For me, that's the primary issue -- the desire not to be known by a

label, thereby providing a ready made excuse for others to minimize

or dismiss my concerns or complaints, as well as question my

credibility with respect to problem solving, especially where

interpersonal issues are involved.

So if you're functional enough to pass for "normal", then it

may be in your interest not to disclose so you don't face these

issues. Then again, you do the autistic community a service by

making that good impression and disclosing.

If you're not able to pass for "normal" in a work or social

environment, then like that deaf person, you're better off

disclosing so you can hopefully get some understanding and

accommodation from others.

That's how I see it. Only disclose if it is truly necessary, and on

a need-to-know basis. Otherwise, keep personal business personal.

I've had it both good and bad from disclosing, but thankfully

never terrible. After diagnosis, I was able to repair some

friendships that my worst aspie habits had broken. I got

forgiveness and understanding from people, and it was a good

thing. I've also had people start deciding for me what level of

sensory or social stimulation was too much. Things like, "We

can't go to the movies because that would be too loud and noisy

for ." It's taken some education, but I'm getting through to

these people that it's my call to make, and that I can handle

about as much as they can as long as I can prepare properly.

I've had a few positive experiences like this myself. The only

difference is that I speak of traits and limitations (which everyone

has), not labels that can come to define me.

So ultimately, the autistic community needs people to

disclose, to show what we can do. Funny that we still need to;

I'm sure the team that put Curiosity on Mars has a proportion of

aspies. But the decision to disclose has some risks, and it may

not be for every person.

Well said, . Aspies who can afford to live outside the closet,

should by all means do so. Knock yourself out as an advocate, even

a crusading advocate.

Otherwise, they should exercise the same degree of tolerance that

they expect others to extend to them, and not be critical or

bullying toward that segment of the Aspie community who prefers to

remain closeted. It's an individual decision, and there is no One

Right Way.

Best,

~CJ